“It sucks, man,” Hoyt said, trying to comfort me. I felt bad for dumping this on him. I knew he had his own shit to worry about.
“Yeah it does,” I replied. I walked away from him and left my bike on the side of the track. I wasn’t in the mood to ride or to talk about it anymore. The dust kicked up around me as I walked back to the dormitory. I didn’t even have the option of being somewhere I felt comfortable. My apartment was thirty minutes away and my Airstream was in Halstead. With her.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I slapped my hand against one of the cinder block walls of the room. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Every breath was harder than the last to take. I looked at my phone, hoping that maybe she’d come around. That she’d unblocked my number and had responded. But there was nothing. I took a deep breath and sat on the bed, looking around a room that felt more like a prison cell than a home. The four walls were closing in on me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Hoyt was right about me leaving, not to mention I didn’t know if there was even a reason to go to her. If she’d made up her mind about me—about us—would I just be wasting my breath? I couldn’t let these feelings destroy everything I worked so hard for. I wouldn’t be that guy that fell apart over some girl. If this is what she wanted then fuck it, she could have it. She could have it all.
I stood and walked over to the mirrored dresser that sat across the room. Staring at a man I barely recognized. I’d gotten soft. I’d let her weasel her way in and stupidly believed that love was enough to keep two people together. My teeth were gritted as I tried to settle myself down. I just wanted to not feel this way. The feelings of inadequacy or helplessness, it was all a waste of time. I’d focus on what I knew was a certainty. I was going to get on my bike in two weeks and wow the shit out of that sponsor. I was going to cement my place at the top of the heap right where I fucking belonged.
A false sense of calm came over me as I tried to channel my energy into work. If I wanted to forget about her I would. I started by grabbing the bottle of whiskey off my nightstand. I twisted the cap off and let it fall to the floor. I wouldn’t need it. I drained the remainder of the bottle and tossed it in the trashcan. I unpacked a set of clippers that I kept in my suitcase and added the blond hair she loved to run her fingers through to the trashcan. I didn’t want a single fucking memory of her. If she could avoid the undeniable pull between us, so could I.
I ran may hand over my freshly buzzed cut, and told the unrecognizable man in the mirror that I was going to be just fine without her.
“What do you think?” I asked my sister. Our tour of the winery had just finished up and we were waiting in a small tasting room for our guide to return. The grounds were beautifully maintained and the ideas for decorations were already flowing. “I love it.”
“This place is perfect,” Nora agreed as we walked over to a small table.
“I think so,” I agreed. “We’ll do the wedding in the chapel and the reception here in the main building. Aren’t these wood floors and brick walls fantastic?” I paused, thinking out the layout in my head. “And the beams,” I pointed up at the high ceilings. “So cool.” The space was very rustic and charming. “Maybe we could hang a few chandeliers. Really make a statement.” It was going to be the perfect backdrop for Nora and Reid’s I Do’s. “I think you could fit one hundred people comfortably. Maybe even one fifty. Have you even made a guest list yet?”
“We’ve—”
“And what are you thinking as far as colors? I think red is good color for a winter wedding, but I know how much Reid loves his Yamaha blue.” I laughed. “I will not wear a royal blue dress. Maybe we can compromise with a deep purple? Or just classic black.”
“Can you hold on for just a second,” Nora said, placing her arm on my shoulder. “Not that I don’t appreciate your help with the wedding, but I think maybe you’re avoiding what’s really on your mind. Can we talk about what happened with Brett now? I’ve let you distract yourself for long enough.”
“I’m not avoiding anything, Nora,” I insisted, tugging down the sleeves of my sweater. “Whatever that was with Brett is over now. Let’s focus on the future like you’re always saying. Your wedding is in the very near future and I want it to be perfect,” I huffed. I knew what she wanted from me, but like I told her when she arrived a day ago. I was fine. I’d made my peace with ending things with Brett. There was nothing to talk about.
I had told Brett I was sorry on the phone that night. I knew he wanted to talk me out of ending our relationship, but I wouldn’t let him. The pain that he was feeling—the pain that I could hear in his voice—would eventually subside. He would move on and forget about me, just like I would forget about him. That was the lie I kept telling myself after I’d hung up the phone. I knew if I didn’t that I’d probably let him talk me into continuing our relationship. Every time I thought about him flying through the air on that dirt bike, my mind drummed up the worst-case scenarios. All of which ended with me being alone and hurting beyond repair. I’d barely survived losing Jamie. There was no way I’d make it through losing Brett.
It hurt to tell him that I didn’t want to be with him, but what other choice did I have?
“You are such a liar,” Nora said pointedly. “I know exactly what you’re doing.”
“Oh and what’s that?” I shook my head. Before she had a chance to answer, our hostess for the day returned with a tray of tasting glasses, each filled with the selection of wine the winery offered.
“Okay ladies,” she smirked. “Now for the fun part.” She went on to explain the different reds and whites she had for us. My sister gave me a look that said our conversation was far from over.
I picked up one of the glasses, not even bothering to swirl or sniff it. I had no idea if any of the flavors the woman was describing were there. It was in my mouth and down my throat so quickly that my taste buds didn’t even have time to register.
“I’ll take some more of this one,” I said, placing my glass on the tray. “Or this,” I added, holding up a glass of the red and tossed it back. “They all taste good to me.” I would have emptied the tray, but my sister cleared her throat instead and gave me a reprimanding glare. I wasn’t doing this. I wasn’t going to dredge up something that, in the long run, wasn’t ever going to happen. No matter how badly my sister wanted to talk about it. What was the point?
At the end of the day, Brett would still be doing something that might kill him. He would still be risking his life every time he got on that dirt bike. No matter how much I wanted to be with him. Or thought about him. Which was pretty much every second of every day. Everything reminded me of him. I couldn’t open a book without wishing he was there to help me study. Every male patient looked like him in the hospital. Every song reminded me of our relationship—especially the ones that talked about living without the person you loved. I couldn’t even enjoy a Coke anymore. Plus side, I was going to be thinner for Nora’s wedding without those empty calories, which meant I’d look great in whatever color dress she picked out for me.
“Can you give us a minute,” Nora said with a smile.
“Of course.” Our hostess nodded as she excused herself, probably grateful to get away from the girl downing wine samples like it was her job..
“Go on,” Nora pointed at the few wine glasses I hadn’t drank. “Have another,” she insisted, pulling her dark hair to one side. “You’re a chatty drunk. Maybe I’ll finally get the whole story about why you ended things with Brett.”
“What’s the point?” I argued. “It’s not going to change anything.”