“It might.”
“Nothing I say or you say is going to change the fact that I’m not strong enough to be in a relationship with him.”
“You are stronger than you give yourself credit for,” she replied. “I don’t know many people who would even be able to get out of bed after losing their fiancé, but you’ve managed. You’ve accomplished more in the past three years than most.”
I shook my head. I could already feel my eyes starting to well with tears.
“I mean it. You’re top of your class. You work harder than any person I know. And you’re about as selfless as they come. You can make things work with him if you want. You just have to stop being scared.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know you love him, G,” she said. “I also know that you’re scared because the last person you loved was taken from you, but that’s no reason to punish yourself... or Brett.”
“I’m not punishing anyone. I’m just trying to protect myself. And I’m letting him go now before it’s too late and I can’t.”
How couldn’t she see that? How couldn’t he see that? I knew that he was angry with me and deserved an explanation, but it was easier just to block his texts and calls. I’d made up my mind. There was nothing left to discuss. “I see people die all the time,” I told her. “It’s hard enough to watch families fall apart at the hospital every day. I don’t need to put myself in a situation like that. Not again.” I sniffled. “Just the other day I had to watch a doctor tell a woman that her husband was never coming back. And they had two little ones,” I explained, my tears started to fall as I thought about that sweet little girl I’d taken care of while her mother was saying goodbye to her husband. The little girl who wouldn’t even remember her father. “I don’t want to be that woman, Nora. I don’t want to have to explain to my children that their father is gone. And for what? So he could jump a motorcycle over some stupid hill?”
“You’re already assuming the worst case scenario. You don’t know what the future holds.”
“Yeah well, there’s a pretty good chance with your husband flying through the goddamned air every day, relying on faith and two wheels to keep him alive, that it might happen.”
“You think I don’t know that?” she said. “I do live with it every day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t give up my time with Reid for anything. I’d rather take a risk than not have him. I’d rather have the wedding and the children and the memories. Wouldn’t you? You’re acting like he’s gone already when he’s right in front of you. Still alive and wanting to build a life with you. You really think you can just let him go? Do you want to?”
“I don’t know.” It wasn’t the answer she wanted but it was all I had. I could see my future with Brett which made it that much harder to imagine it being cut short.
“Wouldn’t you rather be happy for as long as you can now, rather than be alone and sad?”
“I’m not sad,” I told her. “And I’m so busy that I barely have time to think about being alone.” A lie. I constantly thought about him not being with me. I missed the feel of his touch. I missed his kisses. His laugh. Even the way he said stupid things like “gots.” I missed our late night calls and the anticipation of seeing him again. I missed knowing that he was mine and I was his.
The last couple weeks had been miserable. Every night I climbed into bed alone and wished that he was there. Every time I passed a test or had a good day of clinical, I wanted to call him and tell him about it. I wanted to know that he’d had a good day riding, instead of sitting around thinking the unthinkable had happened.
“We all know what you’re doing. The more stressed you are about a situation the more you keep busy,” she pointed out. “I see you’ve added wedding planning to the list of things you have to do.”
“I’m the maid of honor. It’s my job,” I defended, not wanting to tell her that she was spot on with her observations.
“Whatever you have to tell yourself, Georgia,” she said as she rolled her eyes. “You’re missing out on your life and it makes me sad.” The tough love Nora was firing at me had my nerves running on full speed. I picked up another glass of wine and tried to numb the feeling. What if she was right? I mean, I knew she was. Could I live with the regret of not giving it a shot with Brett?
“What choice do I have?” I tossed my hands up in frustration. “Just call him up and say I made a mistake. Oh, and by the way, I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with my anxiety-ridden ass the rest of your life.”
“He would,” she said. “He knew what he signed up for when he fell for you, G. You’re not giving him enough credit. You know he still texts you every day, even though you blocked him?”
“He does?”
“Yep. And Reid says he checks his phone every five minutes waiting to hear back from you.”
Maybe she was right. He had been more than willing to see past my issues. He hadn’t run away from me yet. Even now, when I was giving him a perfectly good out, he was still trying to contact me. My heart and my head had been in a constant battle since I’d broken up with him.
“I wanted to call him back,” I confessed. “I wanted to read all of his texts. I’m just so confused.”
“Maybe you need to talk it out with him. He’s as much a part of this relationship as you are. It’s not really fair of you just to end things. Especially the way you did. Just out of the blue and on a whim.”
“But—”
“Georgia, stop and think for a second. If you had known from day one for sure exactly what date and time Jamie was going to be taken from you, would you have done anything differently? Cheated yourself and him out of what time the two of you did have together?”
My vision blurred from the tears welling in my eyes. “No,” I mumbled.
“And if I told you right now that Brett had a terminal illness and had six months to live, how would you want to spend the next six months? Be honest. With yourself at least.”
I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. “With him,” I whispered. “As much as humanly possible.”
“So what are you going to do about it?”
“Nice do, Sally,” Reid said as I walked over to his truck. He reached over and rubbed his hand across my head. “A little short.” It had been three days since I’d decided shaving off my hair was the best way to forget about having my heart ripped out. I had to admit, it helped a little. Seeing the reflection of a dude that seriously looked like he had zero fucks to give was making it easier to pretend. Fake it ‘till you make it, right?
“Good thing I’m awesome enough to pull it off,” I said, cracking half a smile.
The only text messages I got were from Hoyt and Reid. The only phone calls were from Pilsner and Dr. Forlani asking how I was feeling. The one person that I wanted to hear from was busy pretending I never existed, so I did the same.
“Heard from Georgia?” he asked.
“Nope.” There wasn’t much else to say. I’d told him what had happened already. Once was enough.
“Nora went home yesterday. Maybe she can talk some sense into her.” I knew that he was just trying to be helpful, but I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that she meant it when she said she couldn’t do it. I wasn’t enough.
“Doubt it,” I said. “She’ll probably tell her sister the same thing she told me.” The two of us stood beside his truck, our arms resting on the side of the bed. “I shouldn’t have pushed her into a relationship in the first place,” I confessed. “I knew she wasn’t ready. She needed a rebound and that’s what she got. No harm no foul.”
“I call bullshit. She was ready,” he insisted. “If I know anything about Bennett women it’s that they don’t do things they don’t want to do. She wouldn’t have started anything with you if she wasn’t ready.”