I’d thought for sure I was over him. But seeing him standing before me with his close-cropped hair, square jaw, and deep-set brown eyes was nearly my undoing. Regret slammed into my chest and blindsided me. I tasted the stinging of tears in the back of my throat. The truth of the matter was: I’d never been gutted by someone like that before Miles. Anyone who’d experienced such a profound loss would understand the lingering influence that person has over you. Your emotions. Your moods.
My heart had been tucked away in a corner, with the shades pulled down, for the past three years, but now it was as if she were peeking out the window, getting a closer look at the one person who’d obliterated her.
Even as Miles high-fived a bunch of guys, he kept his eyes glued to mine. But I didn’t want him to have that kind of power over me, not anymore. So I commanded my legs to move. I turned and nearly tripped over my own toes, they felt so unstable, like a crumbled and abandoned building. As I walked back over to my perch by the truck, I felt as if I were floating in some kind of fucked-up dream.
An old high school friend named Carrie made room for me on the edge of the truck bed, sympathy dripping from her eyes. “You okay?”
“I’ll be fine,” I said, my voice sounding strained. “First time I’m seeing him, is all.”
Man, I was way off my game since I’d been back home. I didn’t discuss feelings with anybody. Not anymore. Normally I wouldn’t even dignify that kind of lame question with a response. Especially not to these people, who’d never figured out how to treat me and had backed away instead, making me feel even more alone. I mean, fuck, I was only a girl in town who’d had an accident that resulted in a brain injury.
“Rachel.” He was standing in front of me now, and Carrie had the decency to scoot off the truck bed to give us privacy.
My name fell from his lips, and my stomach clenched into a solid brick. I hadn’t heard him say my name in such a long time that the sensation bordered on painful.
“Miles.” It came out in a hoarse whisper.
“You look . . . amazing.” He looked down as if unsure of himself. “I . . . I heard you were back in town. Can . . . can we talk?”
I stood up on the bed of the truck so that I towered over him, giving me the leverage I needed. “Nope.”
And then I jumped down and headed toward the mishmash of cars parked haphazardly on the lawn. Anger blazed like a wildfire inside my chest. No fucking way did he earn the right to talk to me.
I heard the crunching of dry grass behind me and realized that Miles was gaining on me. Except he was about three years too late.
“I’m just about to head home,” I called over my shoulder. “So just go the fuck away.”
Without turning around, I knew that I’d shocked him into silence. Never had I spoken that way to him before. Kai said that led to our downfall. He hadn’t liked the way I’d acted with Miles and had told me so on a number of occasions.
As I moved toward the cars, Shane stepped into our path, with Kai beside him. “Miles, probably best for you to take off.”
Kai tried catching my eye, but I looked away and kept moving, pushing past Shane.
“Wait, Rachel, please,” Miles said, and I twisted my head just as Kai restrained him, keeping him from going after me. “There’s something I need to say and then I promise to leave you alone.”
I stopped dead in my tracks and then swung toward him. “Oh yeah? How about all those times I wanted to say something to you but you never answered your phone?”
Damn it to hell. I had blown it. I’d let him see how he was affecting me. For three long years I had said he was dead to me. So why was my whole body reacting right now? I balled my shaking fists.
I had imagined this same scenario playing out so many times in my head: Miles returning to tell me he’d messed up, that he’d been a wreck without me. That he was sorry. Then he’d help me through rehab. He’d hold my hand and tell me I was beautiful despite my shaved scalp. He’d adjust the straps on my recovery helmet and kiss my cheek tenderly.
Just like Mom had done . . . and just like Kai had done.
I gave Kai a stern warning look. One that said, Stay out of this. Kai tightened his jaw as if he wanted to clock Miles one, but he let him go and stayed put, respecting my wishes. These two boys were as different as night and day. And I was different with each of them. With Kai, I confronted him toe-to-toe. With Miles, I’d always softened to his wishes.
I shook the thought from my head and moved farther away from the crowd, Miles following behind.
I spun in fury toward him. “What the hell do you need to say to me?”
Miles was just as handsome as always. His cheekbones had sharpened, and the chocolate eyes I had loved so much now appeared to hold a deep well of pain. They made me waver.
“Rachel, I was an asshole. I’ve grown up a lot since then.” Had he felt bad about his decision all of these years? “You didn’t deserve someone like me, anyway.”
I clenched my jaw so tight I saw stars. “You’ve got that right.”
“Damn it. I’m so sorry. I was scared.” He began pacing in wide circles, running his fingers through his barely-there hair. He’d always kept it closely shaved during the basketball season. “We were supposed to go away to college together and I didn’t know how to handle what happened to you. But I haven’t been able to get over how I treated you.”
Even though I had wanted this type of apology for years, hearing it out loud only made me feel numb. Confused. Lightheaded.
“I get it. I do,” I said. My voice was now a whisper. All my anger had been placed on pause. “But I sure as hell didn’t know how to handle it, either. So I don’t feel sorry for you.”
He looked me over as if surveying the aftereffects of everything damn thing that had happened to me. “You came back strong.”
“I did,” I said. “Without your help.”
“Maybe that’s just it, Rachel,” he said. “Maybe you got strong because I walked away.”
“Don’t pretend you were doing the honorable thing!” I spit out. His face fell, but I knew he was right in so many ways. But there was no chance I was admitting to them now. I probably wouldn’t ever.
“Please, Rachel.” He stared into my eyes, and I looked away to break the spell. “Can you give me a chance to make it up to you? I want to get to know you again. To be friends.”
“No way.”
“Will you at least think about it?”
“Never.” I shook my head and turned away. “Fuck off.”
But I had lost the power of those words and my shoulders slumped forward instead. Like all the fight had gone out of me in that moment.
I stalked toward Kai and Dakota, leaving Miles in my wake. “Give me your keys, Kai, so I can drive myself home. Catch a ride back later with Shane.”
“Wait a minute,” Dakota protested, and then turned to Shane. “If you don’t kick Miles’s butt out, then I will.”
But before he could respond, I said, “No, please. I want . . . I need to be alone.”
Kai gave Dakota a look. They knew I meant business when I wanted my solitude. It was the one thing that hadn’t changed over the years. I’d been an only child who’d absolutely thrived on it when my family had gotten to be too much for me. Kai reluctantly dangled his keys in front of me, and I snatched them from his grasp before he had the opportunity to change his mind.