Kai: Hey, Turtle. How are you?
Me: Good. Got some studying to do today. How about you?
Kai: Well . . . I’ve been thinking.
Me: About?
I wondered if he could feel the tension through the phone.
Kai: Remember when you told me about your crazy dreams the last time you were in the hospital? And you asked if I’d said some stuff to you?
Me: Yeah? I thought we’d determined that I was hallucinating.
My heart was straining against my rib cage.
Where was he going with this? C’mon, type faster.
Avery looked up from her book as I rapped my knuckles on the table. “Text from Lover Boy?”
She shot a look at Ella, who grinned.
“Who else?” I said, exasperated.
Kai: I wondered if you were remembering your hospital stay three years ago.
Grrr . . . he was so frustrating—just come out with it. But I suppose I wasn’t much better.
Me: Why would I?
My mind went through a series of memories as I waited on him.
Kai: Because we were alone a lot and I did . . . whisper to you.
My breath caught in the back of my throat. I practically choked on my own saliva. Avery and Ella looked at me cautiously, and I was about to tell them about my text conversation when my phone buzzed again.
Kai: Where are you right now?
Was he seriously about to change the fucking subject? This boy was giving me whiplash.
Me: Um, in the coffee shop on campus.
“What did he say?” Ella was acting as if she were bursting at the seams.
I was beyond distracted as I tried composing another text. “He . . . asked where I was.”
“You are so clueless lately, you know that?” Ella laughed.
I looked up at my friends. “Clueless how?”
Avery shot Ella a halting look and then shrugged. “You used to always have your Hot Boy radar on. But you don’t notice anything anymore.”
Just as I was about to argue that I was so over Hot Boys, especially Hot Jock Boys, my cell vibrated again.
Kai: Are you . . . alone?
Me: No, I’m with Avery and Ella. Why?
Kai: Look out the window. Across the street.
Chapter Thirty-nine Rachel
As my gaze jerked over to the large floor-to-ceiling window at the entrance of the shop, I gasped.
Kai was leaning against a pole in front of the health food store, and he literally stole my breath away. He was like my North Star. A brilliant, luminous, dazzling pinpoint of light.
He wore his trademark black skinny jeans, Vans checkerboard sneakers, and a cocky grin. His hand was fisted in his pocket, one ankle crossed over the other, and he couldn’t have looked more stunning if he tried.
My brain could not compute his being outside due to the lack of oxygen. Kai wasn’t in Amsterdam?
“Get out there, asshead,” Avery hissed.
I jolted out of my seat and practically sprinted to the door, lest he be a fucking perfect apparition. Weaving in and out of traffic, I crossed the street in a stupor.
As soon as I reached him, I threw my arms around him, overcome with emotion. He pulled me into his chest before picking me up and spinning me around.
He smelled so good and having his arms around me felt amazing.
“What are you doing here?” I said into his neck, trying like hell not to let go. “Why didn’t you tell me you were home for a visit?”
“I wanted it be a surprise.” He set me down but kept his gaze fixed on me. “I needed to say some things to you in person.”
I felt so woozy, my knees almost gave out. I held on to his arm to balance myself. “What kind of things?”
“Let’s walk.” He stuck out his hand and I took it willingly. We began trudging past the storefronts, away from the crowd.
“I just . . .” He gripped my fingers. “I don’t want be numb anymore, Rachel.”
I looked up at him. “Numb?”
“While I was in Amsterdam, I finally realized what I want to do with my life.”
Near the corner of Blossom Street, I turned to him. “You did?”
“I want to open my own recording studio,” he said. “Here in the States. Actually, I’m looking at a location close to Pure.”
“Whoa, seriously?” I pushed his shoulder playfully, even though my insides were twisting into a tornado of feelings. “That’s amazing.”
“Thanks,” he said, grinning.
“So are you saying . . . ?” I bit my lip, almost afraid of the answer. “You’re, like, home for good?”
“Yep,” he said. “I even talked to my parents about it.”
“So crazy. Crazy good.” I ran my fingers through my hair in an effort to keep them from shaking. “So that’s why you came here—to tell me that news in person?”
“Yeah,” he said, his eyes shifting all around my face. “And some other stuff.”
He began walking again at a faster pace, and I struggled to keep up. He seemed to be in turmoil about something.
“Kai, hold up.” I gripped his arm so that he’d reduce his speed. “What’s wrong?”
Slowing his stride, he kept his focus on some fixed point ahead. “I remembered there was this time in the hospital, when you’d just gotten through a brutal therapy session.”
He roughly shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “They were working your legs pretty hard. You were so exhausted and I was trying to cheer you on.”
I attempted to keep up with his train of thought. He seemed to be all over the map today. “That was the day they put you at the end of that run. As motivation for me—to reach you.”
I remembered his voice in my head. C’mon Turtle, you can do it.
“Exactly,” he said, huffing out a shaky breath. “You were inching closer and you had the most stunning smile on your face. You were so happy that you were actually walking without a cane.”
I nodded, remembering that feeling. It had to be one of the greatest moments of my entire life.
“Right in that instant—the second before you reached me?” His voice faltered on the last word. “That’s when I knew.”
I stopped abruptly, my body swinging around toward him. “Knew what?”
His eyes fastened on mine, his voice a hoarse whisper. “That I’d fallen for you.”
I inhaled sharply though my nose.
I’m falling for you, Rachel. And I don’t know how to stop.
My brain was a blur of memories and feelings all jumbled together. He was talking about our past, not our present. “Three years ago?”
“I mean, I ignored it. Thought it was just some crazy crush,” he said, his hands bunching into fists. “But then this summer . . . things started happening between us and . . . all of those feelings came rushing back.”
My chest was heaving, my breaths were fluttery as I tried making sense of his words. That he’d fallen for me back then . . . and he still felt that way now.
“I can’t get you out of my head.” His breaths were broken. “I . . . never could.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. All of these emotions were bombarding me at once. I wanted to reach out to him, to tell him I felt the same.
But a part of me wanted to leave, if only to have the chance to think it all through. To get my heart and my head back in some semblance of order.
“Look at me, Rachel.” Kai gathered my face in his hands, and I whimpered at the feel of his rough calluses against my skin. “I want to be with you.”
Kai’s eyes turned dark—so dark—as they pooled with emotion. “I want to take care of you, spend as much time as I can with you.”
My heart ballooned painfully, threatening to burst out of my chest and float away.