On the other hand, she had difficulty believing that Tony would knowingly hurt her. He wasn't like Earl, her father. He wasn't like anyone she had ever known before. There was a tenderness about him, a quality of mercy, that made her feel that she would be perfectly safe in his hands. Perhaps she ought to take a chance with him. Maybe he was the one man who was worth the risk.
But then she realized how she would feel if their luck together went sour after she had put everything on the line for him. That would be a hard blow. She didn't know if she would bounce back from that one.
A problem.
No easy solution.
She didn't want to think about it right now. She just wanted to lay beside him, basking in the glow that they had created together.
She began to remember their lovemaking, the erotic sensations that had left her weak, some of which still lingered warmly in her flesh.
Tony rolled onto his side and faced her. He kissed her throat, her cheek. "A penny for your thoughts."
"They're worth more than that," she said.
"A dollar."
"More than that."
"A hundred dollars?"
"Maybe a hundred thousand."
"Expensive thoughts."
"Not thoughts, really. Memories."
"Hundred-thousand-dollar memories?"
"Mmmmmm."
"Of what?"
"Of what we did a few minutes ago."
"You know," he said, "you surprised me. You seem so proper and pure--almost angelic--but you've got a wonderfully bawdy streak in you."
"I can be bawdy," she admitted. "Very bawdy."
"You like my body?"
"It's a beautiful body."
For a while, they talked mostly nonsense, lovers' talk, murmuring dreamily. They were so mellow that everything seemed amusing to them.
Then, still speaking softly, but with a more serious note in his voice, Tony said, "You know, of course, I'm not ever going to let go of you."
She sensed that he was prepared to make a commitment if he could determine that she was ready to do likewise. But that was the problem. She wasn't ready. She didn't know if she would ever be ready. She wanted him. Oh, Jesus, how she wanted him! She couldn't think of anything more exciting or rewarding than the two of them living together, enriching each other's lives with their separate talents and interests. But she dreaded the disappointment and pain that would come if he ever stopped wanting her. She had put all of those terrible years in Chicago with Earl and Emma behind her, but she could not so easily disregard the lessons she had learned in that tenement apartment so long ago. She was afraid of commitment.
Looking for a way to avoid the implied question in his statement, hoping to keep the conversation frivolous, she said, "You're never going to let go of me?"
"Never."
"Won't it be awkward for you, trying to do police work with me in hand?"
He looked into her eyes, trying to determine if she understood what he had said.
Nervously, she said, "Don't hurry me, Tony. I need time. Just a little time."
"Take all the time you want."
"Right now I'm so happy that I just want to be silly. It's not the right time to be serious."
"So I'll try to be silly." he said.
"What shall we talk about?"
"I want to know all about you."
"That sounds serious, not silly."
"Tell you what. You be half-serious, and I'll be half-silly. We'll take turns at it."
"All right. First question."
"What's your favorite breakfast food?"
"Cornflakes," she said.
"Your favorite lunch?"
"Cornflakes."
"Your favorite dinner?"
"Cornflakes."
"Wait a minute," he said.
"What's wrong?"
"I figure you were serious about breakfast. But then you slipped in two silly responses in a row."
"I love cornflakes."
"Now you owe me two serious answers."
"Shoot."
"Where were you born?"
"Chicago."
"Raised there?"
"Yes."
"Parents?"
"I don't know who my parents are. I was hatched from an egg. A duck egg. It was a miracle. You must have read all about it. There's even a Catholic church in Chicago named after the event. Our Lady of the Duck Egg."
"Very silly indeed."
"Thank you."
"Parents?" he asked again.
"That's not fair," she said. "You can't ask the same thing twice."
"Who says?"
"I say."
"Is it that horrible?"
"What?"
"Whatever your parents did."
She tried to deflect the question. "Where'd you get the idea they did something horrible?"
"I've asked you about them before. I've asked you about your childhood, too. You've always avoided those questions. You were very smooth, very clever about changing the subject. You thought I didn't notice, but I did."
He had the most penetrating stare she'd ever encountered. It was almost frightening.
She closed her eyes so that he couldn't see into her.
"Tell me," he said.
"They were alcoholics."
"Both of them?"
"Yeah."
"Bad?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Violent?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"And I don't want to talk about it now."
"It might be good for you."
"No. Please, Tony. I'm happy. If you make me talk about them ... then I won't be happy any more. It's been a beautiful evening so far. Don't spoil it."
"Sooner or later, I want to hear about it."
"Okay," she said. "But not tonight."
He sighed. "All right. Let's see.... Who's your favorite television personality?"
"Kermit the Frog."
"Who's your favorite human television personality?"
"Kermit the Frog," she said.
"I said human this time."
"To me, he seems more human than anyone else on TV."
"Good point. What about the scar?"
"Does Kermit have a scar?"
"I mean your scar."
"Does it turn you off?" she asked, again trying to deflect the question.
"No," he said. "It just makes you more beautiful."
"Does it?"
"It does."
"Mind if I check you out on my lie detector?"
"You have a lie detector here?"
"Oh, sure," she said. She reached down and took his flaccid prick in her hand. "My lie detector works quite simply. There's no chance of getting an inaccurate reading. We just take the main plug"--she squeezed his organ--"and we insert it in socket B."
"Socket B?"
She slid down on the bed and took him into her mouth. In seconds, he swelled into pulsing, rigid readiness. In a few minutes, he was barely able to restrain himself.
She looked up and grinned. "You weren't lying."
"I'll say it again. You're a surprisingly bawdy wench."
"You want my body again?"
"I want your body again."
"What about my mind?"
"Isn't that part of the package?"
She took the top this time, settled onto him, moved back and forth, side to side, up and down. She smiled at him as he reached for her jiggling breasts, and after that she was not aware of single movements or individual strokes; everything blurred into a continuous, fluid, superheated motion that had no beginning and no end.
At midnight, they went to the kitchen and prepared a very late dinner, a cold meal of cheese and leftover chicken and fruit and chilled white wine. They brought everything back to the bedroom and ate a little, fed each other a little, then lost interest in the food before they'd eaten much of anything.
They were like a couple of teenagers, obsessed with their bodies and blessed with apparently limitless stamina. As they rocked in rhythmic ecstasy, Hilary was acutely aware that this was not merely a series of sex acts in which they were engaged; this was an important ritual, a profound ceremony that was cleansing her of long-nurtured fears. She was entrusting herself to another human being in a way she would have thought impossible only a week ago, for she was putting her pride out of the way, prostrating herself, offering herself up to him, risking rejection and humiliation and degradation, with the fragile hope that he would not misuse her. And he did not. A lot of the things they did might have been degrading with the wrong partner, but with Tony each act was exhalting, uplifting, glorious. She was not yet able to tell him that she loved him, not with words, but she was saying the same thing when, in bed, she begged him to do whatever he wanted with her, leaving herself no protection, opening herself completely, until, finally, kneeling before him, she used her lips and tongue to draw one last ounce of sweetness from his loins.