I turned to the mother of the child playing with Justin. "Could you watch him a second? I'll be right back."
"I'll be here," she sighed, stubbing out her cigarette in the sand.
I carried Caitlin across the grass to where the boys clustered around the car. A man's world. I saw myself as they would see me, as Ray saw me, a tall pale girl with long floating hair, a shy smile on my big lips, my legs bare in summer cutoffs. I hitched Caitlin up higher on my hip as I came near, they were all watching me. I glanced back to see if Justin's keeper was looking. She was busy putting sunblock on her kid.
"Mind if I have a hit?" I asked. "I've been babysitting all day, I'm desperate."
A boy with skin that looked like it had been grated handed me the joint. "We saw you get here," he said. "I'm Brian, that's PJ, and Big Al. And Mr. Natural." The boys ducked, nodded. They waited for me to introduce myself, but I didn't. I could give it to them or not. I liked that.
The pot wasn't first class, not like Ray's, which you could smell right through the Baggie. This smelled like burning straw and tasted dry and brown, but it was sweet as sunshine to me. I sucked in the smoke, turning my head away from Caitlin so she wouldn't get stoned. She squirmed in my arms but I couldn't set her down, she 'd be under the first car that drove by.
"Wanna buy some?" The boy named PJ had dyed his hair blond. His T-shirt said Stone Temple Pilots in orange psychedelic writing.
I had three dollars in my pocket, for ice cream for the kids. "How much?"
The others turned to the chunky boy, Mr. Natural, seated in the passenger seat of the car. "Five a gram," he said.
I switched Caitlin to the other hip, the bad one, took the joint from the Stoned Temple Pilot. It felt so good to be high. I felt the lid of the pencil-gray sky lift and I could breathe, I didn't dread the rest of the afternoon now. "I have three."
"How come I never saw you before? You go to Birmingham?" the chunky boy said, getting out of the car. He had rosy cheeks and wavy brown hair, he looked about twelve.
I shook my head, aware of how he was looking at me, and for once I wasn't embarrassed. He was interested. It was my currency, my barter goods. I exhaled away from Caitlin, in a way that showed my neck, drawing his eyes where I wanted.
"Got a boyfriend?" he asked.
"Juice," Caitlin said, tugging on my shirt, pulling the strap off my shoulder. "Assi, juice."
I changed hips, jiggled her quiet, feeling their eyes stroking the smooth ball of my shoulder. "No," I told the boy, watching him touch his lips with his fingers.
He leaned against the open car door, foot on the sill, thinking. "Suck my dick, I'll give you a quarter O-Z."
The Stoned Pilot laughed. "Shut the fuck up, dickhead," he told him, turned back to me. "Half," he said softly. "Half a bag, that's a lot for head."
The other boys watched to see what would happen.
I hitched Caitlin high on my hip, looked back at the playground, how far away it was, the swings opposing, like a machine in a factory, the product hurled down the slides. Did I want to? The fat boy bit his lower lip, chapped, unkissed. He was blushing under his light tan, trying so hard to look tough. Suck his dick for half a bag? If anyone had suggested this before, I would have been disgusted. But now my lips could remember holding Ray's column of vein, jerk, and pulse, soft skin of the head, the salty come. I looked at the fat boy and wondered how it would feel.
Caitlin burrowed herself in my neck, trying to make farts, wet and buzzing, against my skin, laughing to herself. I didn't know these boys, I would never see them again. The pot made me brave, curious at how far I would go, as if I was somebody else, someone Olivia would be proud of. "Somebody's got to hold Caitlin. You can't put her down, she'll run off in a second."
"Al's got four little brothers."
I gave her to the quiet boy with short cropped hair and straggly beard, followed the fat boy back into the bushes behind the bathrooms. He unbuckled his pants, pushed them down over his hips. I knelt on a bed of pine needles, like a supplicant, like a sinner. Not like a lover. He leaned against the rough stucco wall of the bathroom as I prayed with him in my mouth, his hands in my hair. Just like Miss America.
With Ray it was never like this. Then it was one pleasure after another, mouths, hands, the richness of skin, every surprise. This was the opposite of sex. I felt nothing for this boy, for his body moving. It felt like working. It cut the heart out of making love, turned it into something no more exciting than brushing your teeth. When the boy was done, I spat out the bitter come, wiped my mouth on my shirt. I thought he would walk away, but he gave me his hand, pulled me up. "My name's Conrad," he said. He was a foreign taste in my mouth, a scent in my hair. He gave me the half-bag of pot. "If you ever want anything, I'm always around."
"I'll keep it in mind," I said as we walked back to the car and I collected Caitlin. My first trick, I thought, trying out the sound of it.
THROUGH the kitchen window, I watched Olivia emerge from her house, cinnamon and beige silk, hair sleeked back. I was peeling apple slices for Justin and Caitlin's snack. I watched her climb into the champagne Corvette, back it out, and I understood.
For her, it was a job. She was earning her car, her copper pots, just as much as someone pasting up magazines or delivering mail. These men weren't lovers, the Rastaman, the BMW. They were customers. The kneeling was just more subtle, the service more discreet, the illusion more substantial, and the payoff no half-bag of dope.
I ANNOUNCED to Marvel that I was starting an exercise program, so I could be ready for the army. I tied on my gym shoes on a cloudy morning, put my hair back, did a couple of jumping jacks, touched my toes, stretched my hamstrings against the fence, the full display for her approval. The army would be a good place, job security, benefits.
Then I ran around the block once and knocked on Olivia's door.
She was dressed in white jeans and a sweater, loafers. On her it looked sexy, I tried to see why. The shoes weren't quite school shoes, they were slimmer, with a tassel. The sweater lightly skimmed her body, the neckline showing one shoulder. I had drawn that shoulder, which gleamed as if polished as it slid out from the soft ginger wool. Her hair was caught in a long silver pin, which probably cost more than the pot I'd just earned.
"I need to talk to you," I said.
She invited me in, glanced over my shoulder as she shut the door. On the stereo, a man was singing in French, sexy, half talking. "I'm glad you came," she said. "I've wanted to see you, but I've been so busy. Excuse me, I was just cleaning up." She loaded glasses and plates on a lacquered tray, emptied a crystal ashtray with cigar butts. I wondered which man was the cigar smoker. The Mercedes had been there again. The fan turned slowly, stirring cigar-sour air. She carried the tray to the kitchen, poured some coffee. "Milk?"