Announcer B: What’s that in the corner of his left eye? A small emerald green particle. Can you make that out?
Announcer A: That’s the mucopolysaccharide secretion from the lachrymal gland that’s accumulated and crystalized overnight, Bobby.
Announcer B: Eye gunk. My mama used to call that a “sleeper.”
Announcer A: Well, we’ve got a lovely aerial view of Michael’s sleeper from the MetLife blimp,Snoopy Two, cruising at thirty-five miles per hour at an altitude of twelve hundred feet. Our thanks to Captain William Schmickling and his crew for that shot. Absolutely splendid.
Announcer B: Chris, he’s gotta get that outta there. What would you do in this situation?
Announcer A: There’s the very slightest breeze coming through the open window, but not sufficiently gusty to warrant any sort of major tactical adjustment. I’d use an index finger here, position it on the corner of the eye, precisely there at the lachrymal duct, and just ever so gently, ever so deftly, roll the particle out.
Announcer B: You can’t try to do too much here.
Announcer A: Just get it out, actually — that’s a job well done.
Announcer B: Reminds me of when Ernie Els got an eyeful of sandpiper guano at the ATT Pebble Beach National Pro-Am in ’95. Played the back nine basically half-blind. One of the most courageous exhibitions I’ve ever witnessed.
This eye gunk is nothing serious. While you sleep, a mixture of oil, sweat, and tears collects near the corners of your eyes. As the tears dry up you get left with a nice little bit of crust.
The pale half-moon shape at the base of each nail is called the lunule. It shows where the hardening process is not yet complete.
The American Academy of Dermatology provided these nail facts:
Nails grow about 0.1 mm (or about.004 inch) per day.
Fingernails tend to grow a little faster than toenails.
Toenails are approximately twice as thick as fingernails.
In general, nails tend to grow faster in summer than they do in winter.
Men’s nails usually grow faster than women’s nails.
Nails on your dominant hand tend to grow faster.
CHAPTER 3. ALL YOU (N)EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX
Theparty continues and has taken on a much more serene and romantic tone. Leyner is on the couch with his Cinderella and is eating cocktail egg rolls off her webbed toes as they share his bottle of tequila. I am finally free from the body questions and at last can enjoy a drink myself. It seems as though the drama of the evening is over until I hear Leyner shout, “Can anyone get me some duck sauce?” Leyner is too impatient and his libido is obviously inflamed, so he is unable to wait for the hired help to procure the requested Chinese condiment.
I cross the crowded room and find Leyner conducting a focus group on homemade and alternative lubricants. As I reach the front of the group, Leyner is now meticulously mixing exact proportions of Tabasco, runny Brie, and a dash of his sacred tequila to form what he now calls his “spicy sex balm.” I try to suggest that the Tabasco may cause contact dermatitis on the more sensitive parts of the body, but Leyner chooses not to heed my medical advice as he leads his new “special” friend to his ad hoc laboratory.
I am left behind to answer a sudden barrage of questions about sex. With anatomically correct dolls,Sex and the City, and Internet porn, you’d think there’d be nothing left to learn. But there are still some questions people are afraid to ask until they’ve had that third martini.
You are what you eat. In this case, it is somewhat true, as sperm contains important genetic material. But sperm, despite its important load, is not particularly nutritious or fattening. The average ejaculate, about one teaspoon, contains between two and three hundred million sperm. Total calories: about five. These calories are derived from protein, including enzymes and sugars (mainly fructose) secreted into semen by the prostate gland to provide the sperm with the energy to swim.
Other good stuff found in semen includes water, vitamin C, citric acid, phosphate, bicarbonates, zinc, and prostaglandins. A veritable breakfast of champions.
Gberg: I still can’t believe we ended up with this title.
Gberg: I still miss “Cocktail Party Medicine.”
Leyner: I know… I can’t even look at my own nipples anymore without blushing with shame.
Gberg: Or if you had your way, it would be “Is Sperm Fattening?” That would be even worse.
Gberg: It hurts the neck to stare at your nipples for too long.
Leyner: I still love that title.
11:50A.M.
Gberg: That would have meant the end of my medical career.
Leyner: To the contrary — I think it would have landed you a Surgeon General nomination in the Hillary Clinton administration.
In the 1970s there was an after-school special on TV where two girls were talking about whether you could get pregnant from kissing a boy while wearing a wet bathing suit. That definitely isn’t true, but the answer to this question is a little more complicated.
The basic answer is yes, you can.
First, not all bleeding is a real period. Sometimes a woman can have spotting during ovulation and that would be a very easy time to get pregnant.
Also, if a woman has a short menstrual cycle (about twenty-one days), then she could be ovulating on day seven of her cycle. This would be the seventh day from the first day of her period, and if her period lasts seven days, then it is possible that her period is ending just as she is ovulating.
Confusing? It is definitely easier to practice safe sex.
Oysters definitely do resemble a certain anatomical part, but this doesn’t make them stimulants. There are a lot of different foods and substances that are thought to be aphrodisiacs. Though there is no science to prove that any of them work, there are some theories on oysters.
Oysters are full of many vitamins and minerals, especially zinc. Zinc controls progesterone levels, which have a positive effect on the libido. Other foods and products that are thought to get your mojo working include:
chocolate
strawberries
champagne
Spanish Fly
animal crackers (but only if consumed during sex and dunked in Spanish fly)
When I was in Spain, I learned that the Spaniards believed that the distance measured from either side of your nose across the tip to the other side hinted at your penis size. As the owner of a rather large schnoz, I, Billy, was happy about this. But, by this same measurement, Geppetto must have had quite a task making pants to hold Pinocchio, and Cyrano de Bergerac wouldn’t have had to waste so much time writing love letters for others. Unfortunately, none of this is true.