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I love a good Western and nothing could be more bad-ass than biting into a snake wound and spitting out the venom. Of course this would be followed by some whiskey and a good gunfight.

Unfortunately, this is no longer an accepted practice. Sucking at a snakebite is not only ineffective but could lead to an infection at the wound site.

According to the American Red Cross, these steps should be taken after a snakebite:

1. Wash the bite with soap and water.

2. Immobilize the bitten area and keep it lower than the heart.

3. Get medical help.

Toxicology experts might also suggest applying a tourniquet loosely above the bite to prevent the venom from spreading. This must be done with caution, as the tourniquet itself can cause problems if it cuts off the blood flow entirely.

The person then needs to be transported rapidly to an emergency room. Antivenin is available for a variety of different snakes. Other treatments include antibiotics and surgery.

Of the estimated one hundred and twenty different types of snakes found in the United States, about twenty are poisonous. Most bites occur in the southwestern part of the nation, but they even occur in New York City. In New York State there are three species of poisonous snakes, the timber rattlesnake, the massasauga rattlesnake, and the copperhead. In the city, however, most bites occur from snakes that are kept as pets.

WHAT ARE HICCUPS, AND HOW DO YOU GET RID OF THEM?

Doctors are known for using complicated words that make them sound either extremely intelligent or really out of touch with what most people can understand. The medical word for hiccups, singultus, is a perfect example of when physicians sound ridiculous.

Hiccups are caused when the diaphragm becomes irritated and pushes air rapidly up in such a way that it makes an irregular sound.

Some things that irritate the diaphragm and cause hiccups are distention of the stomach from food, alcohol, or air, sudden changes in gastric temperature, or use of alcohol and/or tobacco in excess. Hiccups also can be caused by excitement or stress.

While most cases of the hiccups last only a few minutes, some cases of the hiccups can last for days or weeks. This is very unusual, though, and it’s usually a sign of another medical problem, such as injections near the diaphragm, hiatal hernias, severe gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), or a tumor irritating the nerves in the chest. Hiccups lasting longer than one month are termed intractable or incurable. The longest recorded attack of hiccups is six decades. Doctors sometimes use the antipsychotic drug Thorazine to treat intractable hiccups.

If you don’t want to go the antipsychotic route, you could try one of these simpler but unproven cures:

1. Breathing into a paper bag.

2. Drinking out of a cup from the side opposite your mouth.

3. Holding your breath.

4. Eating a teaspoon of sugar.

5. Sucking on a wedge of lime or lemon.

6. Drinking a glass of water with a straw while you plug your ears with your fingers.

7. Pulling the top of your hair for one to two minutes.

8. Placing a cotton swab in the roof of your mouth and gently rubbing.

9. Pulling hard on your tongue.

DOES BATHING IN TOMATO JUICE REMOVE THE SMELL OF A SKUNK?

For those of you who were watching TV in 1970, you may have seen episode 8 of the first season ofThe Partridge Family when a skunk finds its way onto the family bus and turns the Partridges into stinkers. Reuben remembers that tomato juice can remove the skunk odor, so the family bathes in it. All is well until the family dog gets them covered again. Without time to take another tomato bath, the band plays their concert at a children’s hospital from inside a glass-enclosed operating room. That’s great TV.

The major molecules that make skunk spray smell are sulfur compounds. It is a common belief that tomato juice removes the smell, but there is no scientific evidence to support this claim. The tomato juice probably just tricks the nose into not recognizing the skunk smell through the overpowering red gravy scent. One recommended treatment for pets is one quart 3-percent hydrogen peroxide, one cup baking soda, and one teaspoon mild dishwashing detergent. People can try the same, but be careful; the peroxide can have a bleaching effect.

DOES EATING FRESH PARSLEY CURE BAD BREATH?

Parsley was used in the past in medicinal recipes for cure-alls, general tonics, poison antidotes, and kidney and bladder stone relief. Parsley is rich in vitamins and minerals, particularly vitamins A and C. It is also said to be rich in antioxidants. Parsley also can relieve bad breath, although there are no medical studies linking it to halitosis. It is good to note that there are two varieties of parsley: curly-leafed and flat-leafed, which has the stronger flavor. Therefore, the flat-leaf kind is better to cure your chili dog breath.

DOES WARM MILK REALLY HELP YOU SLEEP?

There doesn’t appear to be a great deal of research on the role of milk as a sleep aid. Milk is certainly a simpler alternative to prescription sleeping pills or drinking so much you just pass out, and there are several theories as to why it might work. Milk contains tryptophan, the same ingredient that makes everyone sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner (see food coma question on page 44). The warmth of the milk can have a minimal effect on your body temperature and sometimes make sleep a little easier. Milk also contains melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid. One company, Night Time Milk in England, even sells milk from cows milked at night when the melatonin is increased. The milk is marketed as a sleep aid, proving that people will buy anything today.

CHAPTER 5. DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

Eloise,with her wounds cleaned and dressed, is back in business and is refreshing glasses and making small talk. Leyner appears wounded from his laboratory mishap and is quietly sitting cross-legged in the corner, sullenly nursing the dregs of his bottle of tequila. I’ve never condoned casual drug use, but I almost feel compelled to spike the punch bowl with a strong sedative and sneak out to find my way home. I resist this evil urge and feel better until I am confronted again by the indefatigable but once fat guy Jeremy Burns.

Jeremy, aside from his Atkins obsession, has never grown out of his penchant for fraternity hijinks. Eloise offers him one of her signature frozen daquiris, but Jeremy only wants a Jell-O shot, a beer bong, or some Ecstasy. Eloise turns her nose up at his boorish request, and he turns to me to plead for a prescription for some medical-grade marijuana. I explain to him that prescription pot is not available in New York, and that I wouldn’t give it to him anyway.

Jeremy is not ready to give up and asks, “Then can you get me any of that shit that Rush Limbaugh takes?”

“OxyContin,” I reply.

“Yeah, yeah,” he says. “Oh and also some of that stuff that Matthew Perry and Brett Favre do.”

“Vicodin,” I reply again.

Jeremy says that he already has plenty of Vicodin and asks if maybe I can just get him a little ketamine.

I am becoming exasperated and I realize that I have an opening. “Jeremy, you know that ketamine is a potent horse tranquilizer… and that guy over there is a veterinarian,” I say, pointing to a portly, balding gentleman in the next room.

Jeremy rushes off, as I breathe a sigh of relief.

With a culture dedicated to the use and abuse of caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and an endless array of illegal substances, questions abound about the safest and quickest ways in which we can intoxicate ourselves and how to avoid the dreaded hangover.