Gberg: Very good. Will do. Let’s focus on the intros.
Leyner: Okay… let me read through the intro again….
We’re not sure that we can answer this one with any scientific references, and there probably isn’t a hospital that would allow you to study the consequences of leaving movie candy inside a patient during surgery. This is not to say that surgeons don’t occasionally leave things behind. Surgical sponges and instruments are the most common items left behind, and believe us, it has happened.
In theSeinfeld episode, the patient makes a miraculous recovery and it is implied that the mint may have prevented infection. Although there are some reports about using granulated sugar and honey on wounds, having a Junior Mint inside your body is more likely to cause an infection. So, remember to always ask your surgeon to step out of the operating room if he or she needs a snack.
One of Mark Leyner’s favorite recent news stories is that of Armin Meiwes, a German computer technician who was convicted of murdering someone for sexual pleasure and then eating him over the next several months. Mr. Meiwes had advertised on the Internet for “well-built young men aged eighteen to thirty to slaughter.”
Mr. Meiwes in interviews with court psychiatrists said that his fantasies of cannabilism began as a child from watching horror films. For those film buffs who are looking for a viewing list, these movies all involve cannibalism: Alive; Eating Raoul; The Silence of the Lambs; Hannibal; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover; andNight of the Living Dead.
So, is it dangerous to eat another human being? I am sad to report that it really isn’t that dangerous. Human flesh holds much nutritional value and will keep you alive if your plane goes down and all you have are your fellow, more unfortunate, passengers. Unless you are eating the brain.
A rare disease called Kuru can occur from eating human brains, which killed about 10 percent of the Fore, a New Guinea tribe of cannibals. The Fore would honor their dead by eating them. The brain was reserved for the female relatives and children. Whole villages were wiped out by this rare neurodegenerative disease.
Kuru manifests with muscle weakness and trouble walking. The Fore would then have trouble talking and could no longer stand, sit, or even hold their heads up. Death ultimately resulted from starvation or an infection that developed when they became so sick. Researchers were very interested in this disease because it is very similar to mad cow disease.
12:40P.M.
Gberg: Time really flies when you are typing away at this IM thing.
Leyner: Are you being sarcastic?
Gberg: No.
Gberg: How was the lamb your mother-in-law made last night?
Leyner: The goat you mean.
Leyner: It was great.
Leyner: I love goat and all things goat.
Gberg: I made a mean beef tenderloin last night.
Leyner: Meat, cheese, milk, etc.
Leyner: How’d you make it?
Gberg: In a red wine sauce, tender and delicious.
Gberg: Did I tell you that I added in your favorite story of that German cannibal?
Leyner: That sounds great.
12:45P.M.
Leyner: I saw that… that’s essential and indispensable for this book.
Gberg: What an insane story.
Leyner: It’s a lot more common than you think. Families tend to keep cannibalism hushed up… I had an uncle…
Gberg: I will never come to your family’s for Thanksgiving.
Leyner: Never mind.
Leyner: I was looking up satyriasis.
Leyner: Speaking of goats.
Gberg: What is satyriasis?
Leyner: It comes from the word “satyr,” meaning part man, part goat (fond of Dionysian revelry).
Leyner: Satyriasis: abnormal sexual craving in the male.
12:50P.M.
Gberg: Says on the Internet that it is caused by extreme narcissism.
Leyner: Really… I’m in the high-risk category then.
Leyner: I can spend all day just staring at a single vein on my left bicep.
Gberg: There are treatment options available, medication or… I assume that castration is not an option.
Leyner: I’m not taking some horse suppository, son.
Gberg: Maybe some very tight underwear?
At the end ofScarface, Tony Montana gets shot many times but doesn’t lose his ability to spew obscenities. In the hospital we believe that an innocent person will get killed by a single gunshot but the meanest, guiltiest thug can survive multiple gunshots and simply get up, curse at the doctors, and walk out.
The truth is that it really depends on where the bullet hits you.
It happened inAn American Werewolf in London, and who can forget Michael J. Fox asTeen Wolf? Lyncanthropy refers to the delusion that one is a wolf. This can definitely be seen in psychiatric illness, but it may be that in some cases this is not a delusion at all. The werewolf legend may have originated out of two medical conditions.
Porphyria is a rare hereditary blood disease. There are two types of porphyria. In one type, cutaneous porphyria, the symptoms can resemble the characteristics of a werewolf. These patients become extremely sensitive to sunlight, grow excessive amounts of hair, and develop sores, scars, and discolored skin. Porphyria also leads to tightening of the skin around the lips and gums, and can make the incisors stand out (think fangs).
Another disease that may have contributed to the werewolf myth is congenital hypertrichosis universalis, sometimes known as human werewolf syndrome. This is another rare genetic disorder that is characterized by excessive hair growth over the whole body, including the face. If you travel to Austria, you can see portraits of the first family discovered with this condition in Ambras Castle near Innsbruck.
So, there isn’t really such a thing as a werewolf, but there is a possible medical explanation of how the stories began. Sorry, we don’t have a medical explanation for Dracula, Frankenstein, or the Abominable Snowman, but we’ll do some research and include it in our next book,Why Are Women Smarter?
InMonty Python’s The Meaning of Life, a man eats a massive feast, but one wafer-thin dinner mint puts him over the edge. He explodes all over the restaurant. With the obesity epidemic in our country, we have a great deal to worry about, but don’t expect to see people exploding at McDonald’s. People won’t explode from overeating, but if you eat too many Big Macs, you can rupture your stomach.
Stomach rupture, or gastrorrhexis, is a rare condition, although it has been reported to occur from eating too much. In a 2003 issue ofLegal Medicine, Japanese scientists Ishikawa et alia, reported the case of a forty-nine-year-old man who was found dead in a public restroom after his stomach exploded from eating too much. There is no mention of what his last supper was, and therefore no reason to suspect Pop Rocks and Coke (see chapter 8, page 192).