Sweat itself is odorless whether it comes from the armpits or other areas of the body. The funk begins when sweat mixes with bacteria that occur naturally on the surface of the skin. This distinctive odor is called bromhidrosis — foul-smelling sweat.
Gberg: I was going to add a New York cab driver joke to the “Why does sweat stink?” question.
Gberg: Any thoughts?
Leyner: What’s the joke?
Leyner: I love jokes.
Leyner: What’s the stinky cabbie joke?
Gberg: I don’t know one, but the scents of a taxi are so rude.
Gberg: It’s either that overwhelming air freshener or wretched body odor.
Leyner: See!! It’s all economics…
cabbies won’t run the AC… so of course they’re gonna stink — especially the ones who wear the Irish fishermen’s sweaters and the Latex underwear in the middle of the summer.
Leyner: Air freshener is, to me, worse than the smell it’s supposed to obscure… it just makes me think of what the person is trying to camouflage, so my mind creates an even greater fetid fiction.
Gberg: I don’t know. It depends what scent you are talking about. The hospital has some particularly vicious scents that need covering, like…
Gberg: Butt pus and
Gberg: bloody stool, which…
Gberg: They both sound like punk bands.
Leyner: Isn’t the smell of sweat supposed to produce certain subconscious (or conscious perhaps) sexual responses? And…
Leyner: What the hell is “butt pus”?
Gberg: Like a perirectal abscess or a pilonidal cyst — you drain them and the scent is horrible.
Leyner: Oh… that’s not so bad.
Leyner: I’ve smelled that.
Leyner: I have a pilonidal cyst — a dormant one though.
Gberg: You always were scent obsessed.
Leyner: I met a girl at Brandeis who also had one, and we soaked ours together. That’s true.
Gberg: Sitz baths.
Leyner: Fond memories of her.
Gberg: A sitz schvitz.
Leyner: Yes… sitz baths — we were young and idealistic.
Leyner: Isn’t a pilonidal cyst somehow related to a vestigial tail?
Gberg: I don’t know.
Leyner: That’s a fucking simple medical question, and your answer is “I don’t know”!!!!!!!!!!
Gberg: It brings back the original point of this book. They never teach you the obscure stuff that people actually ask.
4:30P.M.
Leyner: My grandfather used to go to Hot Springs, Arkansas, for “baths.” Or so he told my grandmother.
Gberg: I can describe in detail the technique for draining a pilonidal cyst or talk about marsupialization, when you sew down the sides.
Gberg: Nobody wants to know that.
Gberg: And then I get mocked by some pumped-up little writer who couldn’t marsupialize his way out of a peper bag.
Gberg: Not a pepper bag but a paper bag.
Leyner: Do people ask you strange questions in the ER? Or are they too freaked out by having meat cleavers embedded in their heads to make small talk with you?
Leyner: You gotta explain that, dude!!
Gberg: Explain what?
Leyner: What’s marsupialization?
Gberg: You cut open the cyst and sew down both sides so it doesn’t come back. You create a little pouch.
Leyner: Maybe I’ll get that! I’ll have the ass of a kangaroo!
Phlegm, snot, spit, boogers, sputum — all different varieties of the same thing. These terms are used to describe different forms of mucus, a slimy material that lines various membranes in the body (called, of course, mucus membranes). Mucus is composed chiefly of mucins (lubricating proteins) and inorganic salts suspended in water. Mucus aids in the protection of the lungs by trapping foreign particles that enter the nose during normal breathing. Mucus also makes swallowing easier and prevents stomach acid from harming your stomach wall.
As for the different varieties, phlegm is one type of mucus. By definition phlegm is limited to the mucus produced by the respiratory system, excluding that from the nasal passages (that is what we refer to as snot), and that which is expelled by coughing (sputum). In medieval medicine, phlegm was counted as one of the four bodily humors, possessing cold and wet properties. Phlegm was thought responsible for apathetic and sluggish behavior, which is how we get the wordphlegmatic. Boogers are less historical, a slang word for dried nasal mucus or snot.
The presence of mucus in the nose and throat is normal. When you are sick the mucus can become thicker and change colors. Color is not a clear indication of a bacterial infection, but persistent rust-colored or green mucus tends to indicate a more serious condition.
For those do-it-yourself types, there are many ways to make home mucus to prepare yourself for a career in medicine:
RECIPES
Ingredients
1/2–1 pound fresh okra
1–2 cups water (the less water you add, the thicker your mucus will be)
Instructions
1. Chop the okra into large pieces and place them in a saucepan with a tight-fitting lid.
2. Add water to cover and boil the okra, about 10 to 15 minutes, until it is a dark grayish green and very soft.
3. Turn off the stove and remove the lid. Let your slimy substance cool.
4. Strain the slimy mess into a bowl and discard the okra.
Or
1. Stir 1/8 cup borax into 500 ml (2 cups) warm water. It’s okay if some borax remains undissolved. Allow solution to cool to room temperature.
2. In a separate container, stir 2 spoonfuls of glue (Elmer’s) into 3 spoonfuls of water.
3. Stir a couple drops of food coloring into the glue mixture.
4. Add a spoonful of the borax solution to the glue mixture. Stir (if in a bowl) or squish (if in a Baggie).
To answer this question we called one of my smartest friends, an Ivy League — educated ophthalmologist who is a retina surgeon at a prestigious university hospital. He’s the kind of guy who sends me Proust as a birthday gift. Doesn’t watch TV. Listens to NPR. So, we go to him for the answer….
Nothing. He tells me he will look it up. This just goes to show you that medical school sometimes misses the really simple stuff.
So, who has the answer? Honorary physician and expert on medical oddities Mark Leyner wrote about this malady inMaximum Golf magazine. Here, one pseudoschizophrenic golfer hears two golf announcers having the following discussion in his head:
Announcer B: Michael’s a bit off center — I’d say less than a foot from the left edge of the mattress and maybe a good foot and a half from the right rim. He’s got his left arm tucked under the pillow—
Announcer A: Which looks to me like a 245-thread-count cotton-twill shell filled with a 95-percent-Canadian-feather-and-5-percent-down blend.