"I just need to know about how many," Sara said.
"Sorry I'm late," Rafe said, coming in with his arms full of notebooks and rolled-up maps. "Jacob insisted on arm-wrestling me. And then, after I got rid of him, Satan called. He wanted to know who we want for the Antichrist." He turned to me. "And he said to tell you that if you haven't reserved Armageddon, you'd better do it fast because it's already booked for the whole month of January." .
"That's the Facilities Committee's job," I said. "Does anybody know if Baradiel's done that?"
Everybody shook their heads. "He said he was going to try to call ' sometime this week," Sara said, "but he was pretty busy."
I asked Rafe, "Did Satan have any suggestions for the Antichrist?"
"The usual. Deng. Yasser. Woody."
"What about the Saddam Hussein?' Gabe said, "He'd be perfect."
"I already asked him," Rafe said. "He refused to cooperate. He accused me of being from the U.N."
"It's too bad the Republicans aren't still in office," Penemue said.
"There's always the British press," Phanuel said. "Or Rush Limbaugh."
"Why does it have to be a man?" Sara said. "Women are capable of wicked powers and blasphemies, too."
"Name one," Penemue said.
"I don't know. Leona Helmsley. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Amy Fisher. I just don't think we should automatically assume it's got to be a man."
"Amy Fisher?" Uriel said. "I hardly think trying to kill your boyfriend's wife qualifies you for the position of Head Beast."
"He claims he wasn't her boyfriend," Gabe said.
"And you believe that?" Phanuel said.
I grabbed one of Rafe's rolled-up maps and whacked the table with it. "Hark!" I said. "We're getting way off track here. The issue is the Antichrist."
"How anybody could possibly believe Joey Buttafuoco didn't-" Phanuel said.
"What about Dick?" Phanuel said. "I heard he's been making a comeback."
"What about Ron?" Sara said. "Or Nancy? Why do you always automatically assume it should be a man?"
"Or Nancy's astrologer?" Penemue said.
This was getting us nowhere. "Rafe," I said, "you and Azazel meet with Satan and choose somebody."
"I think there should be at least one female on the committee," Sara said. "Otherwise, they're going to automatically-"
"And Sara," I said hastily. "Where were we?" I said, looking at my notes. "Never mind. Rafe, give us your report on the Publicity Committee."
"Okay," Rate said, opening one of his thick notebooks. "Everything's pretty much taken care of. I've got famines in the Sudan, Zambia, and Somalia, and plenty of wars."
"What about rumors of wars?"
He opened another notebook. "North Korea, South Africa, the occupied territories, and Macedonia, unless they decide to change their flag. I've gotten barcode scanners put in all the grocery stores, the EC currency's coming along nicely, and the ozone hole's expanding. As far as plagues go, we've got more than enough: cholera, resistant TB, AIDS, and an outbreak of diphtheria, unless Clinton pushes his health plan through."
"It is too bad the Republicans aren't still in office," Penemue muttered.
"Earthquakes," Rafe said, reading from the notebook. "Nicaragua, eastern Japan, Poland, and Corvallis, Oregon. San Francisco's all set up, but we're saving that for the week before. Oh, and I've arranged for Pinatubo to erupt again."
I knew I could count on Rafe. I relaxed a little. Maybe we'd be ready in time after all. "All right, so the publicity's done, Rafe and his subcommittee are going to get an Antichrist, the decorations are all set-"
"Except for the choir seating," Sara said. "And the elders. I've been thinking, it's not going to work to have the elders in front of the throne even if I do move the lamps because you won't be able to see the angel opening the seven seals."
"Can't they sit on the sides?" Rafe said.
"No," Sara said. "I explained that before you got here. There's no room with the rainbow."
"Why do they have to be onstage at all?" Phanuel said. "Why can't they sit out in the audience?"
"Because they have to accompany the choir on their harps. Speaking of which, you never did tell me the number of chairs," she said to Penemue.
"Yeah, well, I wanted to discuss that with the committee before I signed up any more. I thought maybe we should consider scaling the choir back a little. Tens of thousands and thousands upon thousands is an awful lot of costumes, and, like Sara says, the stage is already pretty crowded."
"How many do you have lined up?" I said.
"This is a really busy time of year, what with New Year's and all. And I haven't heard from Baradiel. He had S through Z."
"How many do you have?" I said.
"Quite a few didn't think we should sing the Hallelujah Chorus. They say it's been done to death."
"How many?"
"Actual commitments or possibles?"
"Actual commitments."
He checked his list, ticking off names with his finger. "Four."
"Four?" I said.
"Quite a few others have expressed an interest. They said they'd get back to us as soon as they checked their calendars. I'm pretty sure they'll do it-"
"And how many would that make?"
He counted again. "Eight."
"Eight?!" Sara said. "It's only two weeks away!"
"Maybe we should consider postponing it a couple of weeks," Gabe said.
"We can't postpone," Rafe said. "The publicity's already out there. What about my signs and portents? What about Macedonia?"
Uriel waved his hand. "There are always wars and rumors of wars. Nobody'll even notice."
"Maybe we should cancel it altogether and try again next year," Sara said. "That way we'd have plenty of time to get a choir together and come up with the last Horseman, and we might have more to choose from in the way of an Antichrist."
"If we wait four years," Penemue said, "the Republicans'll be back in office:'
"We're not canceling," I said. "We've already postponed this thing twice, and we're not doing it again. What we are going to do is get organized. Sara, you order the wax for the seven seals. Gold," I added before she could say anything. "Penemue, you find somebody for Pestilence. Rafe, take care of the Antichrist and get San Francisco ready to go. The rest of you are going to have to help recruit choir members. We're going to meet again Thursday, and I want everybody to have at least ten thousand apiece by then."
"I can't meet Thursday," Penemue said. "I've got an appointment with Balsam's donkey."
"What about Friday?" I said.
"Hunh unh," Sara said. "Friday's no good. How about Wednesday morning?"
"That won't give us enough time to line up the choir," Phanuel said. "How about next Wednesday?"
"That's the earthquake," Rafe said.
I looked at my calendar. Sunday was out. "How about Monday?"
"That won't work either," Rafe said. "I'm pouring out vials of wrath upon the earth that whole day. And that reminds me, I don't think anybody's done anything about the Great Day of Wrath. Who was supposed to be in charge of that?"
"Programming," Phanuel said.
"Publicity," Penemue said.
"Entertainment," Uriel said.
"Do you mean to tell me that no one is in charge of Wrath?!"
"Now don't go getting in a tailspin," Gabe said. "I'm sure somebody's in charge of it."
"Wouldn't it be Facilities' job?" Sara said. "I mean, it's mountains and rocks and things. Oh, my heavens, look what time it is. I've got to go." She grabbed up her daily planner and went flying off.
"So do I," Rafe said, gathering up his maps. "Satan said he was going to call back."
"And we were supposed to be at the Ladder Climb an hour ago," Phanuel said. He and Uriel and Penemue took off.
"We didn't schedule another meeting," Rate said.
"I know," I said.
"Well, call me when you decide when it is. And let me know if you need help with anything else:"