One: Kill Radovich before he killed her.
Two: Start a new life somewhere with a new identity and hope like hell the terrorist never tracked her down.
Both options had their dangers, and he wished to God there were a third, easier solution here. Wished Rado had just stayed dead, like he was meant to be, instead of coming back and wreaking hell on this woman’s life.
Now that she was sitting under the bright kitchen lights, Ryder could see the shadow of a healing bruise on her right cheek and another along the side of her jaw. It killed him inside that she’d been hurt. That some prick had hit her . . . marked her.
Was this what had been itching at his senses for the past weeks? He wasn’t a spiritual guy, but he’d spent enough time in Heller’s unit to trust his survival instincts. But this feeling in his veins had been different, sharper and more vital, and he hadn’t recognized it for what it was: A call to protect someone else, instead of his own sorry ass. If he hadn’t been so goddamn determined not to think about her, would he have been able to figure it out? He didn’t know—but it was probably going to be a question that hammered at him for the rest of his days.
He didn’t like failing people. And no matter what he did, he always ended up feeling like that around Lily. Like he was doing it all wrong. Not getting it right. Out of his element and in over his head. Which was only part of the reason he’d known he needed to walk away.
“Obviously,” she said, tucking a wayward curl behind her left ear, “we need to know what’s happened since I ran. I’ve been completely cut off, so I have no idea if Rado has gone after anyone else, or if he’s gunning straight for me. If he’s hoping to stay off the government’s radar and remain dead, then he’ll put everything he’s got into finding me. Do you stay in contact with any of your old intel sources?”
He shook his head. “Not the kind that would know anything about Rado. I left that shit behind, where it belongs.”
Something that looked too much like pain flashed in her eyes. “Including me? Am I just an unwanted piece of your forgotten past?”
His fingers tightened on the counter until he could have sworn he heard the Formica groan in protest. “You weren’t mine, Lily. Don’t make it sound like we had some understanding that I shit on. I never fucked you over.”
She didn’t say anything right away. Just stared across the small kitchen at him with those big, soul-trapping eyes. And then, very softly, she said, “But I wanted to be yours. I wanted to belong to you.” She slowly shook her head, her tone chagrined. “I hoped—” She broke off with a low, pained laugh. “God, you have no idea how badly I hoped you felt the same, but you were so good at giving nothing away. If I’d known you would touch me the way you touched me tonight, I never would have been able to keep my hands off you.”
His jaw went so rigid it felt like it could crack. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’m just not attracted to you?”
One of her slender eyebrows slowly arched. “I think the fact I’m holding my shirt closed because it’s missing all its buttons says differently.”
He would have argued, but it was pointless, given his actions. Score one for his dick. Now his brain had a hell of a lot of catching up to do. Desperate to retake the ground that he’d lost, he said, “What happened tonight was a product of circumstance.”
The look in her eyes turned laser sharp, making him flinch, as if he’d been pinned under a microscope. “So you’re saying that you were willing to fuck me when you didn’t have a clue who I was? When I was just some random stranger lurking in the shadows? But once you realized it was me, you’re now no longer interested?”
He gave a jerky nod.
“Bullshit.”
“Whatever you think, it shouldn’t have happened.”
Her chin shot up a notch, making his insides cramp. He’d seen that stubborn look on her face too many times to count when she’d been living with her father. But he’d never had it directed right at him. “I wanted it to happen a long time ago,” she said, all but laying the words down like a challenge.
His own words were raw. “It’s not happening again.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Why?”
“Because you’re practically a child,” he growled.
She looked stunned. “Excuse me?”
“I’m eight fucking years older than you are,” he muttered.
“So?”
“So . . . I’ve known you forever. Your dad was my fucking friend.”
Her brow knitted with confusion. “And that was why you always treated me as a friend, but never anything more? Because you think I’m too young for you?”
He didn’t say anything. He just stared, hard, warning her to quit with his look. But the little fool just wouldn’t shut up.
“You know, sometimes . . . sometimes I would catch what I thought was a glimpse of interest in your eyes. Something that you didn’t hide quite in time when I would turn unexpectedly and look your way.” She moved to her feet and took two steps toward him, before his wrathful expression stopped her. “Do you have any idea what those looks would do to me? How badly I wished you would just do something . . . anything? How terrified I was that I was just imagining it? Whatever you wanted from me, I would have been more than willing to give you, Scott.”
“Christ, Lily. You don’t even know me. You don’t know what I’m—”
“You’re wrong,” she whispered, cutting him off. “I know all about you.”
He gave a gritty laugh under his breath. “Right.”
She took another step toward him and lowered her lashes. “Would you like it better if you gagged me? Tied me up? Slapped some handcuffs on me? Because if that’s what it takes to get you off, then I’m willing. I trust you.”
It was the strangest sensation, the way all the blood in his body turned ice cold, while his skin burned with heat. Releasing his grip on the counter, he flexed his hands at his sides. “What the fuck did you just say?”
Her gaze flicked up to his, and caught, locked in the fury of his glare. But she didn’t back down and cower. Instead, she licked her lips and said, “I know all about your sexual . . . whatever you want to call it. I know you’re into the bondage scene. My father made sure he did his research thoroughly on every one of his men before they came to work for him, as well as while they were under his command.” There was a brief pause where she bit her lip, and then she murmured, “Your file was fairly extensive.”
He was so furious he was shaking. “You read my fucking file?”
She narrowed her eyes again. “Front to back. I memorized the damn thing.”
His lungs seized so tight he couldn’t even draw his next breath. He didn’t think it was possible, but he went even colder inside. “You know about my mother?”
Her head cocked a bit to the side, her gaze questioning. “I know she was a single mother. That she raised you without your dad. But that’s all.”
He scraped out a low curse, not looking at her. But he could feel the force of her sudden uneasiness blasting against him. “Scott,” she said hesitantly. “What’s wrong?”
What was wrong? Jesus. He choked back a humorless laugh, not trusting what it might turn into. She hadn’t been back in his life twenty minutes, and already he felt stripped down like a live wire, all his raw parts torn and exposed, getting prodded by every fucking word that came out of her mouth.
“I don’t like the look on your face,” she whispered. “You know you can talk to me, right? Is there something about your mother you don’t want me to know?”
He scrubbed his hands down his face, then dropped his arms to his sides and forced himself to look her in the eye. “We’re not talking about my mother, Lily. And before you think you can just loop back to your original topic, we’re sure as shit not talking about my sex life.”