I heard him rummaging through the papers and empty bottles and half-eaten sandwiches.
'You're worth more than this, George,' he said. 'For a few weeks there's no harm in it, but it can all too easily become a habit. Just look at your desk,' he said, throwing an empty bottle into the bin. 'Everything a mess, papers everywhere...'
He stopped and there was a deathly silence.
'I had no idea,' he said, and I knew he had found my father's letter. 'George, I am so sorry, I had not heard.'
'Nothing to be sorry about,' I said, with a feeling of hollowness. 'We live, we die, and there's an end of it.'
I pulled a half-empty bottle out from under the bed and put it to my lips, but he took it from me and sent for his valet.
'Get him up.' he said to the man when he arrived. 'I want him ready in half an hour. I am taking him to Pemberley.'
15th March 1791
I wish I was back at Cambridge. I am glad I am at home. Lord, I do not know what I think or what I feel; I do not know where I am or what I am doing. Nothing is the same. The house without Mama is not a home. Papa is broken. Mr Darcy is thoughtful. Fitzwilliam is kind. God damn him! Why could he not have left me alone?
7th May 1791
I avoided Peter de Quincy when I first returned to Cambridge, but he keeps seeking me out and it is easier to go along with him than resist him. Besides, he knows all the best people and, when he is not frequenting low taverns, he is introducing me to useful friends. I see less of Darcy than I used. Something about him makes me uncomfortable. He wants to save me, to put my feet on the right path, but his idea of the right path for me does not involve heiresses. On the few occasions I have seen him, I have rebuffed him.
21st May 1791
I went to a party, a respectable one, tonight and saw Darcy for the first time in weeks. He was looking very handsome. For a moment I was jealous, for I knew that my own body had started to show the signs of too much drinking and wenching and not enough signs of riding and fencing. I shrugged it off, but when I saw the women hanging on his every word and ignoring me, I knew I must do something about it. To be sure, a lot of it is to do with the fact that he is Darcy of Pemberley, but not all. And I must not forget that I intend to be Wickham of Rosings. It would not do to go to seed before I have my future secure.
23rd May 1791
I went to bed sober last night and got up early this morning. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being out of doors when the sun is rising. I felt invigorated and full of new energies. It is time to put the past behind me and look to the future.
27th May 1791
I went round to Darcy's rooms early this morning, and after a little coldness I confessed that he had been right and I had been wrong and that I had fallen into bad company. He looked relieved and offered me a horse to ride and we went out together, talking of Pemberley and our experiences at Cambridge and our futures.
'My father intends to give you the living at Pemberley,' he said, as we returned to our rooms, 'but I am not sure that you are suited to the church. Are you comfortable with the idea of preaching sermons, George? Because the church is not a profession to enter lightly. A clergyman has the good of his parishioners in his care and if he cannot set them an example...'
'My dear Darcy, I have learned my lesson,' I said, and I used all my charm to help me. 'It went to my head, the new place, the new people, the easy friendship, the parties, the... yes, why not say it?... the wine and the women. And then Mama... But such a life palls before long, and I do not think a man is any less fitted for the church because he has found this out through experience, rather than finding it out through the experience of others.'
'There is something in what you say.'
'To understand sinners, I have to understand their sins. I have to understand their temptations, too, for how else could I treat them with understanding and grant them forgiveness?'
He was satisfied. Indeed, as I spoke, I more than half believed it myself. But I must be careful if I am not to lose his family's patronage. Mama was right: there is something implacable in Darcy, some strength of character that will not allow him to be bullied or persuaded out of doing what he thinks is right. Moreover, his good opinion, once lost, is never regained, a fact James learned to his cost, for when he approached Fitzwilliam to help him with some trifling debts, Fitzwilliam refused him; he has never forgiven him for tormenting Georgiana by taking her doll, all those years ago.
I am lucky I did not lose his good opinion entirely this year and that he remained my friend. But I must be careful if I am to keep it, for until I marry an heiress, I need influential friends on my side.
30th October 1791
I have taken to carousing in London rather than Cambridge, where I comport myself with more or less dignity. Peter's family have a house there and we often escape and go to town, where we have several sweet little dancers and opera singers who keep us amused, as well as several taverns where the serving wenches are willing, when we are in a mood for lower company.
We were escorting two dancers back to our rooms tonight and were just having fun in the carriage when it stopped outside Peter's house at an inopportune moment.
'Oo, don't stop,' begged my partner, and like a gentleman I obliged, only to hear the door open.
I looked up, annoyed, only to see Darcy standing on the pavement!
By some ghastly chance he had been to the theatre and had decided to take a hackney cab home instead of walking. Thinking the stationary cab was empty, he had opened the door, meaning to climb inside. He had then been confronted by more than he had seen since we were boys swimming naked together in the river at Pemberley, and more of Molly than anyone has ever seen without paying her.
To his credit, he simply raised his eyebrows, said, 'I beg your pardon, I did not know the cab was taken,' and closed the door again.
I burst out laughing, Molly did the same, and I hastily fastened my breeches and tumbled out of the cab.
'Darcy!' I called. 'Darcy! Wait.'
But he did not stop.
My little dancer followed me, for she had not been paid. I handed her what I owed her as I watched Darcy's retreating back and I thought, It is all up with me now.
I felt a sense of relief, for going into the church is not something I have any desire to do, no, not even for a large rectory and an easy living for the rest of my life. But I felt a sense of disappointment, too, that he should have found me like that.
Damn! Why is it that he makes me feel like that? Without ever saying a word he makes me feel inadequate.
But as he dwindled into the distance I felt a sense of sympathy too, for as I watched his retreating back it came over me that he was a lonely man, for all his money, his family, and his friends.
I remembered him telling me that he was looking for something.
Whatever it is, he has not found it.
I wonder if he ever will?
1794
7th June 1794
There are great changes at Pemberley. Old Mr Darcy has died. My father wrote to me and gave me the news.
I am sure you will be as sad as I am, George, for he was always a good friend to you, sending you first to Eton and then to Cambridge. And he has helped you even after his death, for he has left you a legacy of one thousand pounds and given instructions for Fitzwilliamto help you in your chosen profession. Are you still of a mind to go into the church? If so, you are to be given a valuable living.