JWW: The simultaneous discovery of sexual pleasure and of her own physical attractiveness led directly to the development of Sue’s personal sexual ethic. She determined that she wanted to learn about sex, wanted to enjoy sex, and wanted to do so without the requirement of emotional ties between herself and her partners. Although her opportunity for experimentation was limited on the small campus, she had had sex with half a dozen males by the time she graduated. She does not hesitate to characterize herself as promiscuous, feeling that the word is descriptive and need have no pejorative connotation. Indeed, she draws a distinction between good and bad promiscuity, arguing that a girl can be promiscuous without being a tramp. A tramp, in her eyes, is a girl who sleeps with anyone who asks her and who does so because of a low estimate of self or for some other neurotic reason.
During her last year in college, her relationship with her parents deteriorated markedly. It had never been good in the first place. Sue sees her parents as puritans and hypocrites, maintaining a poor marriage for social reasons. Immediately upon graduation she moved to New York. She has not been in contact with her parents since.
“I wanted to drop out of college, but I thought I would stay and get my diploma. Not that a diploma from a two-year cow college is worth much. The one good thing about the place is that nobody ever heard of it, so when you apply for a job they assume it’s a four-year school. As far as that goes, I could just say I graduated from there. Nobody ever bothers to check. Or I could go all the way and say I graduated from fucking Radcliffe and really impress them.
“New York — God, I couldn’t wait to get here. I just felt completely at home from the minute I got off the bus. I gravitated immediately to the Village and started rapping with some people and wound up a couple of blocks from where I live now, smoking grass and talking until morning.
“The first couple of weeks I just let myself go. I didn’t bother getting a place to stay. I just crashed wherever I happened to be. I smoked a lot and drank wine and had a lot of sex. There was nothing too freaky. The most far out thing was sitting around with two dudes, and they were both horny and started messing around with me both at the same time. I was having my period at the time, so I wound up sitting there and giving them hand jobs. Both at once, one in each hand, and they made a game out of it to see who could hold out the longest. They wanted me to give them head, but I didn’t want to. I don’t remember why. I usually enjoy that. Maybe I didn’t like them that much, or maybe it was the idea of doing something that intimate with someone else watching. I honestly don’t remember.
“Actually, that’s still about as close to an orgy as I’ve ever come. I’ve been invited to swings from time to time, but the vibes were never right. I’d like to try it when the right scene comes along. Though I don’t think I would enjoy it. I think I prefer really getting into one other person.
“After a couple of weeks I was loose enough to straighten my head out and put things together. I got a job and found this apartment. I didn’t have that need to keep going all the time. It was a kind of compulsive thing while it lasted. I think it was largely a reaction to being in New York and free at last and having this appetite to do everything all at once.
“I’m sorry about one thing, and that’s that I didn’t keep my sex diary during that time. I had started it at school and brought it along, but it was with my things in a locker at Port Authority, and I didn’t get it until I had a place of my own. I tried to bring it up to date, but it’s only really good if you can write things down as they happen.”
JWW: Sue’s sex diary is what its name implies, a day-by-day record of her sexual experiences. It is a remarkable document, and I hope one day to publish it in full. A brief extract should convey style and content:
“Mark H. Says thirty-eight but I’d guess five years older than that. Had his usual two-thirty appointment. Root-canal work. Flirted as usual, the type who flirts as a reflex, not expecting anything. Bald in front, flaring sideburns touched with gray. Very mod dresser. Bells yet! Thank God no toupee. I flirted back for first time. He gave me speculative look. I came back with wide-eyed look, said I got off work at five-thirty. ‘We can have dinner or something,’ he said. ‘Or something,’ I said. Don’t know what appealed about him. Not my usual type. Change of pace? Maybe. Dinner — little Italian place where we wouldn’t run into his friends. Food so so. Kept urging more wine on me. Stockbroker, Aquarius, wife, kids. Vetoed my place when he found out the address. Hotel instead. No luggage hassle, must go there often. Nice body, hairy chest. Very powerful erection. Circumcised. Cock not too long but quite thick. Used a cologne. Always put down men who wear cologne, but really dug the smell. Fit the luxury of the hotel... Ate me like a maniac. I wanted to wait and come with him inside me. Finally faked it or he’d be spending the winter down there. Point of honor or something, girl must come before he’ll fuck. Good fucker, long slow strokes, then fucked really hard, bang-bang-bang. Only thing that bothered me was feeling he was performing and I was audience, proving how good he was. Feeling interfered a little, but I came good... Sent me home in a cab. Seemed relieved I was so cool about things, seemed unwilling to believe it. Guessed he thought coolness meant he hadn’t satisfied me, so felt sorry for him and said something about doing this again sometime. Wonder if he’ll want to. Wonder if I’ll want to. Vibes — that he wasn’t sure whether or not he ought to give me a quick twenty dollars. Did give me ten for the cab, insisted he had nothing smaller. Don’t think he was trying to make me feel like a whore like Kurt W. Well, don’t feel like one anyway. I know where my head is. Still, gave the cab change to some street people. Otherwise might be broke sometime and start hoping for money, and don’t want that scene. No way.”
In both her diary and her conversation, Sue notes with amusement that many men are taken aback by her own casual sexual attitudes. They seem to resent her for being able to take sex like a man, and worry that it is a reflection on their performance. Some pursue her and desire involvement simply because she does not. This last is as true of her hip young sexual partners as it is of others. Although this did not precipitate her decision to live with Roger, she has learned that the fact that she has a male roommate serves the function of discouraging unwelcome pursuit.
“Roger and I are very good for each other. At first I wasn’t too sure how it would work out. It was my idea. I suggested it. I hadn’t even planned to, hadn’t thought about the possibility. We had known each other for a few weeks and were very easy with each other without knowing a whole lot about each other. Originally I took it for granted that he was gay. Tall and slender, pretty features, and a certain amount of gay mannerisms, and also he had some friends who were obviously gay.
“It turned out that he was sort of asexual. He couldn’t make it with girls or boys. He had had some homosexual experiences, but he didn’t really enjoy them, or if he did, the idea of being gay disturbed him so much that he couldn’t get into it. He said that his problem was that he couldn’t really relate to anybody. And he had to be alone all the time, he was a loner, but he needed to have a crowd around him, people nearby who could be there without touching him. I’m not getting this exactly right...