The thought scared me, as the errors in my ways bombarded me with a vengeance. Feeling safe in Luc’s arms, I allowed my eyes to close. I still had questions for him and a part of me was angry with him, but for now I felt too weak to deal with anything. I closed my eyes and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
***
I awoke on a large bed. The room was dimmed except for a table lamp that was lit on the opposite side of the bed. Luc was lying on a heap of pillows with his laptop open on his lap. I lay with my eyes open for a few moments watching him. He was such a contradiction of a man. His badass side that just came out because of Scott was seriously scary, but the way he took me into those strong arms and was so gentle with me, it made my chest feel warm. I could probably lie here and stare at him for a long time; in his thick arms and wide chest.
“Are you working?” I asked, letting him know I was awake. Whatever he was working on had him in deep thought.
“You’re awake.” He smiled placing his laptop on the side table. “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“Can you talk about it? What did he do to you?” he asked, raking his fingers through his hair. His hair was wet and he was wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of loose grey pajama pants.
“I’m okay, I’m grateful you walked in when you did….I panicked….” I admitted even though it was hard to.
“Don’t be grateful, it was my fault he even got to you,” he answered, throwing me off.
“It wasn’t your fault…even though I didn’t like the game you were playing,” I admitted, feeling my cheeks flush. It was hard to open up in general but something about Luc made things a little easier. “Did you sleep with her?” I asked, even though I would rather plug my ears and not hear the answer. The thought of him sleeping with anyone else but me burned.
His green eyes went wide and he looked startled. He flinched into a seated position. “No Vicky, I didn’t sleep with her. I had no intention of sleeping with her,” he answered with irritation in his tone.
“I heard her moaning, you must have been touching her or fucking her…” I said as my chest clenched tight. The visual of him with another woman was disturbing. It threw my mind back to the day that Jamie was pounding into that bitch against a truck in his father’s mechanic shop. I could never be with someone that was unfaithful.
“I didn’t fuck her, I am not lying…when I put her on the bed she was clawing at my back and rubbing herself against me but we were fully clothed. I didn’t touch her, I only kissed her and I hated every minute my lips connected to her. I did it to piss you off. It was stupid I know. I just got tired of you closing down while I opened up.”
“I know….I realize that now….”
“What do you mean, Vicky?”
“I didn’t understand my own feelings, it’s been awhile since I have felt anything at all. I came to these parties to numb myself, to drift away into oblivion not to restart my heart. I’ve been burned badly in my past. I guess it’s hard for me to trust not only another man but also myself. I’ve made bad choices that have led to many regrets, one being going home with Scott Wellington. The night he raped me Luc, my mother died. She died and instead of being by her bedside saying good-bye I made a choice that cost me more than I understood at the time. It wasn’t only my ex-Jamie that screwed me over. I felt responsible for what Scott did to me. I felt like I asked for it, and then I couldn’t take what he dished out. Then I lost my mother and my heart went cold. I knew deep down that you were my undoing and I tried to be a bitch. I tried to remain closed because I knew I had to keep my sanity intact. I am falling for you, Luc, and I didn’t understand that until I saw you with another woman. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it one bit.”
Luc moved in closer to me now, so that he’s lying beside me on his side facing me, his hand slowly caressed my arm. “I didn’t like to see you with another guy either. That’s why I followed you into that room. I needed to know what you were doing, only I didn’t have the guts to stop you….then you stormed off and I tried to pull away from the redhead, but she kept on pulling me back to her and rubbing her…” I put up my hand to stop him from speaking; I didn’t want to hear it.
“Sorry,” he said with a shy smile. It made me laugh out loud.
“What’s so funny?” he asked with a silly grin.
“You, Luc, you’re such a contradiction to me…you are this big massive guy. You're strong and powerful and honestly, I think you almost made Scott Wellington pee himself. You are one scary dude. When you said you were raised mafia, I didn’t get it until I saw you threaten Scott. Holy shit, you were fucking scary. I was glad you were on my side,” I giggled.
“I want to always be by your side,” he said, caressing my cheek with the back of his hand. He was like a gentle giant.
“That’s what makes me laugh, Luc. How you can go from scary mafia to soft caring man in less than ten minutes.”
“It’s who I am, Vicky. I was raised to have power. I was raised to control things and garner respect. I never wanted that life, but I know how to use it if need be. If it means I can protect you, then at least I know it wasn’t for nothing. I always want to protect you.”
“I’m broken, Luc, I don’t know what I have to offer you,” I admitted sadly.
“I am a broken man too, Vicky, and I don’t know what I can offer you, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting you.” he said, as he slowly caressed my hair, then my cheek. Then his fingers moved over my lips as if he was tracing my face. “You are so beautiful. Please let me in,” he said with a deep raspy voice.
“I want to, Luc, but you may not like what you see once I do.” It hurt to admit the truth.
“That’s for me to decide,” he said, looking me square in the eyes, it almost sounded like a challenge. “Even though the truth is you may not like what you see once I reveal my truths. I’m a monster. I’m not good for you. I just can’t help myself. I can’t stay away from you,” he said with deep conviction. He really believed it. I don’t understand, he’d been watching out for my wellbeing since the first night we met. Those are not the actions of a monster.
“Explain it to me, Luc, I want to understand. You’ve been kind to me since the moment I met you,” I said as my shoulders deflated.
“I’m no good. I was trying to spare you, but you keep on getting yourself into trouble and I can’t walk away knowing that you do that.”
“I don’t want to be spared. Trust me, I’m a tough girl, I can handle whatever it is you need to say. I don’t know what it is but when I look at you, when I see the sadness in your eyes, the fact that you are alone…I feel the same way… I have no family. I’m alone like you… I’m drawn to you….” I confessed as my desperation for him skyrocketed. I wanted him so badly it hurt.
“I know…” he answered, gazing at me with heated eyes. “I’m drawn to you too…but I don’t know what to do with it, Vicky…you need to understand that I am not a good person. I’ve done bad things….me and you…we aren’t the same. Whatever has made you sad is not something bad that you’ve done. I’ve hurt people. I’m a dangerous man,” he admitted, shaking his head. “I’m sorry I’m giving you mixed signals here.” He got off the bed and walked over to his closet. A moment later he stepped out with a large white t-shirt. “Here put this on,” he said passing it to me. “If we are going to talk, I can’t have you half naked beside me,” he grinned softly.