“Luc,” I called out into the dark room.
“Yes,” he answered with a thick rasp in his voice.
“I had a normal childhood. We were a happy family. My older brother watched out for me in school and when we came home at the end of the day, my mama waited with open arms and a bright smile. I had a good life. I did well in school. My parents were hard workers. My mama was a waitress and my father drove a delivery truck. We were a simple and happy family. I dated my high school sweetheart, and when I went off to university, we stayed together because I was still in town. He was going to become a mechanic. We saw each other some evenings and weekends. He was my go-to person. Then I came home for Thanksgiving and everything was off. I sensed something was wrong but no one was talking. Finally, my mother admitted she had a tumor in her brain and that the doctors gave her three months to live. It was hard to accept. She was my best friend my whole life. I had always wanted a sister growing up and she was everything rolled up into a perfect package.
“A few days after I found out about her illness, I ran to Jamie and I caught him screwing another girl. That was probably my first blow, the first chink in my armor. He made me question myself and he made it hard to trust anyone. My mama began to deteriorate quickly, and I had no control over what was happening. There was nothing for me to do. I dropped out of the engineering program and spent every day by her side, watching the life slowly getting sucked from her. Only the progression wasn’t slow. It was like one minute she was smiling and the next it was her last smile. The same with words, one minute she could speak and the next she couldn’t. It was hard to accept. A part of me couldn’t accept it.
“My father began to drink and he became useless. My brother went back to university because it was important to my mother, and he didn’t want to disappoint her. I had many moments of despair with no one to lean on. I allowed myself to go into town and drown my own sorrows. That’s where I met Nessa. You will meet her; she is a great girl. My best friend, she introduced me to the sex clubs and they made a dark world feel a little brighter for brief moments. The weekend my mother died, I felt like I was suffocating. The doctors said three months to live, I never thought it would be sooner. I had spent my days holed up in the house taking care of my mother and watching my father drink himself into a stupor. I had to get away because I feared losing my sanity. That’s when I went home with Scott. I returned to Thunder Bay more damaged than when I had left. Scott broke me completely. I required medical attention after, and I went to the hospital to get stitched up. When I came home and realized my mama had passed, the darkness only grew deeper. My father bailed out on us. Jamie bailed out on me and Joe was stuck inside himself.
“I said to myself that if this was what love was all about, I didn’t want it. Now I realize how wrong I was. Love can break you, Luc, but it can also be the best part of you. I chose to focus on the darkness these last couple of years, but I forgot about the light. I forgot about all the good times we shared. As mad as I was at my father, I now understand that my mother was his life and without his life around him, he didn’t want to live. That is true love, Luc, that isn’t abandonment. It’s real and it’s worthy.” As I said the last words Luc climbed off the floor and crawled into bed beside me, snuggling me into him. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he was listening. “I know I have been scared to trust, but if I use my father as an example I know he was the most loyal man to my mother. He loved her so deeply.”
“I’m a loyal man too,” his husky voice brushed my ear and I quivered.
I closed my eyes, “I know.”
I let out a contented sigh, feeling like the world was a little lighter and feeling grateful to Luc for warming my heart back from its frozen state. Suddenly I realized that my purse was in the coat check. I usually read Mama’s letter every night before I closed my eyes, but I figured my stuff was safe downstairs and my anxiety subsided. Instead I closed my eyes. Luc thought I should fear him, what he didn’t realize was that I felt safe having this broken ogre beside me. I knew he would protect me if need be and something about that thought was fulfilling. I watched the light seep through the door of the master en-suite. I could still hear the thrum of music throughout the house and shadows passing by the door and despite everything, I felt peaceful. I knew if he opened up to me the way he did that he wanted to try to be with me for the long haul, and now I wanted the same thing. The revelation scared me and warmed me.
As sleep overtook me I dreamed of Mama, making her pizza and Joe as a little boy. I must have been asleep for a couple of hours when I heard a banging sound. The apartment was quiet. The music stopped and the sounds of lust and moving bodies ceased. It took me a minute to pull myself out of my dream and gauge my surroundings to see where the banging noise was coming from. As I opened my eyes, I saw Luc thrashing violently beside me; it looked like he was living in his own personal hell. I quietly called his name but he didn’t wake. I didn’t know which angle to nudge him at since his strong arms were flailing about, and I didn’t want him to accidentally knock into me, the guy was living with enough guilt as it was.
“Luc,” I shouted a little louder, but there was no response. “Luc,” I called out even louder, still no response. Whatever he was dreaming about was intense enough to pull him under. I leaned over to where his head was resting on the pillow and tried to tame down his muscular arms and stop his head from thrashing. As I caressed his forehead lightly I began to sing a lullaby my mama sang to me when I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad dream. Slowly he began to calm down and moments later his eyelids flicked open. Looking at him from this angle, I got to see how handsome he really was with thick eyelashes, a wide set jaw, and sharp nose. He was so masculine and perfect. As I caressed the stubble on his cheeks he looked up to me with a guilty grin.
“Was I having a nightmare?” he asked, as if he already knew the answer.
“Yes, you want to talk about it?” I smiled softly.
“Are you a therapist?” he grinned shyly.
“No, but I want to help you if I can.”
“You have the voice of an angel,” he sighed. “I dream about hurting Alexis. Because I don’t remember the night I hurt her, I dream of different scenarios where I lose control and beat her. Or I dream that Henri shoots her and not me,” he admitted shamefully. I felt guilty that maybe telling me his story dredged up the bad memories for him.
“Oh, Luc.” I wrapped my arms around him.
“Is this okay?” I asked not wanting to make him feel worse from the contact.
“Yes,” he sighed, “it’s more than okay,” I leaned in and put my head on his shoulder and he didn’t flinch.
“Is this okay?”
“It’s more than okay, Vicky, I don’t know how you walked into my life, probably at a time when I was feeling the most alone, but I am grateful to the stars above that you did,” he said, kissing the top of my head. His words penetrated me. Feeling needed by him makes me want to get even closer. Was I lacking love so much that I had turned into a cold shell of a person? I had locked my emotions down in fear of falling apart. I began to wonder if I had it all wrong, or maybe I was just waiting to meet him to understand my pain. Maybe I was waiting to meet him to begin living again. What I had been doing wasn’t really living; it was getting by day by day, the only way I knew how. I closed my eyes and drifted off to a peaceful sleep wrapped in warm caring arms.