I had no husband, no mother, no way of caring for an infant. “Vicky the test result is positive,” the doctor said.
***
“Vicky, Vicky,” Joe was hanging over me patting my face.
“Mmmm, what are you doing? Stop slapping me.” I flicked his hand away from my face as I slowly opened my eyes, and the doctor and Joe hovered above me.
“You are lucky you had the couch behind you to break your fall,” the doctor said sadly.
I looked between the doctor and Joe feeling disoriented. “You fainted, Vick,” Joe said holding his hand over his chest as if he was protecting his heart.
“Sorry if I scared you,” I whispered.
“Joe, will you give us a minute?” the doctor requested.
“Yeah, sure.” He nodded and left the room.
“Do you remember what I said to you?” The doctor looked at me drawing his eyebrows together.
“Yes,” I blushed.
“Okay, I know you have a hard day ahead of you. You need to eat something. Maybe some dry toast will curb the nausea,” he suggested. “You will also need to make an appointment to see an obstetrician. That is a doctor that takes care of pregnant women. You may be about a month along at this point,” he smiled sadly. “I will see you at the funeral home later. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to call me.” He smiled then he took his brown bag and walked toward the door. I wanted to get up and show him out, but I felt glued to my spot on the couch. My legs felt like jelly. I couldn’t keep this baby. I couldn’t do this by myself.
Once the door closed, Joe hesitantly walked back into the family room. He took a seat beside me on the couch. “Everything okay, Vick?”
I had a strong sense that Joe knew I was pregnant. Something told me that he had sensed it all along. I didn’t understand when or how he became so attuned to a woman’s body. I can’t imagine he studied that in school.
“I’m pregnant,” I huffed out, letting my head fall back onto the pillow on our old brown couch.
“I figured,” he let out a sigh, falling back into the couch beside me.
“How’s that Joe, how did you figure?” I asked, lifting my head and looking at him warily. Something about him had changed since his return.
“Honestly, Vick, I wanted to wait until after the funeral to tell you, but when I was back in Mexico I got a girl pregnant. I have a daughter…” he confessed, looking down to the brown carpeted floor in front of him.
The gasp I let out was harsh and rough. “For real?”
“Yeah, my girlfriend's name is Eva, she had the same symptoms like you, throwing up from certain foods…morning sickness,” he drawled.
“Where is Eva now? Where is your child?” I asked feeling like I couldn’t speak fast enough. Joe had disappeared but I hadn’t expected him to have started a family in such a short time, even though a year and a half had been longer than I realized.
“Eva is in Mexico. She lives with her parents. We have a baby girl…her name is Antonella Maria,” he said as his eyes began to redden. “We call her Nelly.”
“You named her after Mama?”
“Eva insisted, honestly, Vicky. Things are a little messed up for me. I’ve been messed up. Eva and I were not exclusive when she came and told me she was pregnant. I was working in a tourist town at a resort, and let’s just say I got around. When Eva came and told me she was pregnant I didn’t man up and ask her to marry me. I’ve been there for her throughout the pregnancy and birth, but I know she wanted more from me and I didn’t have anything to give,” Joe explained sadly. I could see the guilt sitting heavy on his shoulders.
“I get it Joe, I do,” I tried to console him. It was hard to find something to give when you felt so empty inside. But then there was Luc and he made me believe, until he pulled it all away. I sadly had no advice for my brother.
“What do you get, Vicky? I left Eva with a one month old. Flew back to the States for a couple weeks trying to garner up the courage to come home to Papa. To tell him what I had gotten myself into. I needed direction from him, even though deep down I knew I was coming home to a drunk that would give me a blank look when I told him he was a grandpa….do you hear that, Vicky? I was angry at him. I was living with this anger for so long it consumed me. I don’t understand how he backed away from Mama that way, and now I am no better than him. I backed away from Eva. Now Papa is dead and things are shot to hell, and now you are pregnant too,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air completely exasperated. He quickly stood up from the couch and began to pace the family room back and forth in a frantic motion. Tears sprang to my eyes. Things were seriously messed up. We had been without parents to guide us for only about two and a half years .and we had been messing up left, right, and center.
Once Joe had gathered himself together and realized I was crying, he knelt before me and wrapped me in his arms again as I cried on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Vick, I didn’t mean to lose it on you. I’m scared. I know I have to go back to get Eva and Nelly, but I won’t leave you alone either. I’m done fucking up.”
“You don’t need to take care of me Joe, I will be okay, but I agree you can’t just leave the mother of your child and your child back in Mexico.”
“I know, Vick, because if I do then I will be no better than him.” He gritted his teeth referring to Papa. Papa had abandoned us and I felt angry with him too, even though meeting Luc got me to understand that my papa was suffering from an incurable broken heart. I couldn’t hate him for loving my mama that way. My emotions were all mixed up, and Joe seemed to be on the same dark roller coaster I had got on.
“Joe, I know we’ve been feeling angry for Papa’s choices but I think he suffered from a broken heart. He loved Mama so much he couldn’t find a life without her. Can we really blame him for that?” Joe’s gaze softened as he took in what I was saying.
“You may have a point,” he agreed. “I never thought of it that way.”
“Let’s get through this week, then you go back and get Eva and Nelly, and we will figure things out.” I patted his shoulder.
“There you go again thinking of everyone but yourself, you are having a baby. I don’t think you get it, Vick, but trust me it’s real. Who’s the father? Shouldn’t he be manning up?”
As Joe asked the question my stomach sank again thinking of Luc. Thinking of how badly he had wanted a family all his life. He didn’t even know we had created a family, he would never know. “Joe, I don’t know how to tell you this. I wanted to wait until after the funeral but when Mama died she left me a letter.”
“She left me one too,” Joe responded squinting his eyes, assessing me. I’m guessing she must have told him that she loved him forever and what a great man he was. I couldn’t believe she told him the truth because she would never want to lose him or break his heart. He took a seat beside me on the couch again, and I straightened myself out and took a deep breath.
“The letter said that Tony wasn’t my father,” I began as Joe took a lung full of air. He didn’t speak though he was waiting. “Mama had gotten pregnant with me on a cruise ship she was dancing on. She fell in love with my father instantly, and they spent time together. He wanted her to join him in New York. He came from a wealthy family but they didn’t approve of Mama. Mama came back to Thunder Bay and realized that she was pregnant. Nana and Nono helped her out, but by the time she was at the end of her eighth month she realized it was a mistake to keep me from my father, and she left for New York. I made an early entrance and when she called my father, his mother intercepted and tried to pay her off. She left and never looked back. I didn’t know the truth until after she died. I went to New York in search of my father. I have been building a relationship with him. He’s been good to me.” I paused realizing that I had thrown a lot his way. He stared blankly out the window to our backyard. I looked out to the roller coaster I built three years ago with Jamie. My parents never had it taken down after I left. I looked around the room and I knew this house held a lot of good memories. “Say something, please.”