“She told me, Vicky, in my letter she told me… Papa was a single father when she met him. She told me about your father… She figured we were small enough that we would never remember not being a part of this family, so her and Papa decided to keep the secret. She explained that she felt like she was protecting me from myself. She didn’t want me to feel abandoned by my own mother leaving because she felt like I was hers from the moment she laid eyes on me.” Joe explained watching me with pain radiating from his eyes. I wanted to punch him, hit him, scream at him. I’d been carrying the burden of knowing so long that it was slowly breaking me, and here he knew the truth. We could have discussed it. We could have been there for each other, and he chose to pull away. He ran away. Despite my anger, sympathy washed over me. Joe’s mother met him and walked away from him. That is so much harder than what I experienced because my own father didn’t know I even existed. I now understand why he ran. Why he wasn’t able to cope. He probably felt like his life was a lie.
“Joe, I…” I began to say, but he put his hand up to stop me.
“Don’t, okay? We are clearly on the same boat here, we got those letters the same day, and instead of discussing it, we went in opposite directions. We are both at fault here so none of the self-righteous crap about me taking off right now.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re right. I didn’t think you knew. I didn’t want to be the one to break your heart. You are still my big brother. You are still the guy that beat up Walter Evans when I was in sixth grade because he pulled my pants down at school,” I continued as the salty tears ran down my cheeks into my mouth. As I stared at Joe, I saw the wet pools in his eyes threatening to fall.
“That letter broke me. I didn’t know what to do. My head was spinning so bad I didn’t know which direction I was falling. I had to get out of here. I knew you were hurting bad, but I couldn’t get myself together, let alone help you. I thought I could search for my birth mother. I wanted to know why someone would leave a baby like that. I mean, I knew Jamie had his issues growing up because his mom left. I knew she told his father that small town living was suffocating her. It didn’t make sense. It was cruel and I always thought his mom must be some selfish bitch, and then I realized I was left behind too. The only difference was that I had a mother who loved me unconditionally. I knew what it was like to have her and to lose her, and that’s what killed me even more. I had lost two mothers,” Joe said, taking a hand and holding it to his temples. I could tell he was squinting his eyes hard and trying to hold himself together.
“I’m sorry, Joe, I should have known better. Of course she revealed the truth to both of us, she didn’t want to leave the world with us not knowing about our missing parts,” I replied rubbing his shoulder.
“I’m not sure my mother was a missing part, Vick. I mean, what kind of person takes off on her infant son? Mama told me because of you, because you needed to know who your real father was and that meant she had to explain the fact that I was not her son, or else how would I have been born before you when her and Papa didn’t meet yet?” he paused and took a breath. “I’m not blaming you, Vick, I may have felt angry at first, but you are as much of a victim to this lie as I am.”
“Joe.”
He stopped me again. “The truth is out and it’s better this way. Maybe you won’t be so hard on me for running. I feel like shit for leaving you as it is.”
“I’m so sorry, Joe. I am sorry for your pain and your loss.” I reached over and embraced him in a hug. I dug my chin into his shoulder and he squirmed and laughed. I am happy we could still bond like this.
“I’m better now, Vick. It took me a while, but I’m good. I’m thinking clearly.” He pulled away and nodded his head reassuringly.
“Good and yes. It took me a long time to garner up the courage to go, but I am happy I went to New York to find my birth father. His name is Bryce Andrews…” I began.
Joe’s eyes widened, “The business mogul?”
“Yes.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yes.”
My response was followed by a long bout of silence. I knew he needed time to let this information sink in. It was serious information that affected the make-up of our family.
“Our father was still the only father I knew growing up,” I said almost apologetically.
“I know,” Joe answered knowingly.
“Who is the father?” he asked tilting his head to my stomach.
“It’s a man that works with Bryce. He heads the car plant. I’ve been working as an intern for Bryce. I felt like my life was starting to come together, and now everything seems broken again. I can’t have this baby, Joe, I can’t do it without Mama,” I confessed to my brother now that we had opened up to each other.
“You can, Vick, I will be here. Wait until we get Eva and Nelly. Eva is amazing; she will help you. I will help you,” Joe said so convincingly that I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t see myself living in this house. Living in Thunder Bay. I also couldn’t go back to New York and face Luc either, not after he pushed me away.
I did want to continue to get to know Bryce, but I didn’t know how he would fit in the picture now that Luc had left me.
“Joe, I need to get myself together. We can’t be late for the wake,” I said, patting his shoulder. He stood up. He was already dressed in a black button down shirt and black dress pants. He was a handsome guy with a good heart. I had to believe that things would work out for him, even though there were still missing pieces to his story.
We both stood up and walked through the house. I tried to regulate my breathing before I hyperventilated. I had too much thrown on me all at once. I put on my black heels that Luc bought me and my heart hurt some more. I grabbed a warm jacket since November in Thunder Bay was cold.
“I’ll drive,” Joe said, picking up the keys off the side table by the front door. I followed him outside to the old Tracker and we both got in. When we got to the funeral home, my breaths became shallow as we made our way through the front door. A lot of our friends had already arrived. I walked up to the open casket where Papa lay and I held my breath. This whole situation had felt like an out of body experience. Joe kept his hand on my shoulder as he stood behind me, and we took in Papa's pale face. He looked slim, but he also looked at peace. At this point it was all we could ask for.
I know now how Mama’s and Papa’s choices made Joe question his whole identity. I had faith that my brother would man up and take care of Eva and Nelly. Something about knowing about their existence excited me. I couldn’t wait to meet them, although I never pictured myself as a doting aunt.
As our friends passed, they kissed our cheeks and told us how sorry they were for our loss. Loss had been all we knew for too long now. As I tried to find a distraction and put a light smile on my face, I thought of the baby growing inside my belly. It had been a product of the love that I thought Luc and I shared. I had an unwavering belief in him. I just wished that he had the same unwavering belief in us. Thinking of the way he pushed me away hurt even more now that I knew I was pregnant. I had to call Nessa, I suddenly remembered. Then I realized I had left all my things in New York. I would have to return at some point. Bryce would expect an explanation from me. After he had been so kind to me, I owed him at least that.
I wanted so hard to believe that New York was a fresh start for me; all the pieces of my life had begun to fall into place there. Now everything felt like it had been pulled out from under me all over again. There was one thing I knew after talking to Joe this morning, and that was that I couldn’t have an abortion. As scared as Joe seemed over handling his own situation in the wrong way, he also convinced me that he wouldn’t run anymore and I believed him. Back in New York Luc had shown me how the sex parties and screwing around were not who I really was. He was right, but I had lost sight of that through the hurdles that life sent my way. Luc taught me to care for myself and for him. He changed something inside me. He caused a spark of the old Vicky to reignite, and the old Vicky had wanted a husband and family. The old Vicky had been in a monogamous relationship for four years.