As the people at the wake passed us by, my thoughts consumed me.
“Vick, you okay, hon?” Marie came over and embraced me in a hug.
“The best I can be in this situation,” I respond with a sad smile. I hadn’t fallen apart yet, and I assumed that what didn’t kill me would only make me stronger.
“If you need anything you let me know.” She tilted her head assessing me. Marie had known me since I was a baby. I suddenly felt self-conscious, as if she might know my little secret.
“I’ll be okay Marie, you don’t need to worry. Joe is home now, and he promised not to take off again, or at least he promised to stay in touch and I believe him.”
“Okay, hon, but you know I’m here if you need anything at all,” she insisted, making me feel even more self-conscious. Did I look pregnant? I didn’t think so… my stomach was completely flat.
“Thanks Marie, I really do appreciate all your help with organizing this. I couldn’t have handled it on my own,” I said, giving her a small hug.
“It’s my pleasure, hon, you know I consider you and Joe like my own,” she said through sad eyes. Marie and her husband Hal never had any children. I didn’t think they were able to. They had been like the aunt and uncle we never had growing up.
“I know Marie and it means so much.” I squeezed her hand. Suddenly I felt a familiar figure in the shadows. As Jamie made his way toward me, my heart dropped out from under me. My parents both really liked him. They believed we would get married one day. I never told my mother about what happened because she had enough of a burden to carry with her sickness.
“Hey, Vick,” he said waving his hand down low. He was hesitant and nervous. He was wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt. I guess that was his way of paying respects. “I’m sorry for your loss.” He leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. Contact with him still hurt. The wound he inflicted was still deep. He shook Joe’s hand and gave his condolences then he walked toward the casket while Joe eyed me warily.
Soon after, people started to leave. Marie announced that there would be refreshments at the Molino house right after, and my eyes went wide because I hadn’t prepared anything. I was hoping to go home to a quiet house.
“No worries, hon, Hal took care of setting everything up over there, we brought food from the diner. All is covered.” She smiled kindly and I huffed out a breath. Phew!
“Marie, I need to pay you…” I insisted.
She cut in, “Don’t even go there, little girl.” She pointed her finger in warning, but she had a smile on her face that was light and kind.
“Thanks so much.” I gave her another hug.
“You ready to go, Vick?” Joe came around and placed a hand on my back, guiding me outside. We both got into the Tracker and I opened the window needing the fresh air.
“You want me to stop and get you something to eat?” he asked with a worried tone. It was already late afternoon and I hadn’t eaten. I knew I was losing weight because my skirt was slipping off, and I was skinny as it was.
“Yeah sure.” I grinned.
“McDicks?” He smirked devilishly.
My hand went flying up to my mouth, the thought of the Big Mac made me sick. “No way, maybe wonton soup,” I suggested.
“Huh?” he looked at me confused.
“The Chinese takeout place, we can grab some soup,” I reiterated.
“Ah… yeah sure, it’s on the way, so I guess that works. Besides, Marie said she would open up for the guests.”
“Yeah, thank goodness for Marie,” I sighed.
“You said it,” he replied looking out to the road with a far away look in his eyes. I wondered if he was thinking of Eva and Nelly.
After shoving wonton soup down my throat on the drive back home and enjoying every second of it, I needed some fresh air. I noticed Jamie’s Mustang idling in front of the house. When I got out of the Tracker, he cut his engine and stepped out of the car toward me.
“Hey, Joe, I will meet you inside soon.” I said, as Jamie made his way over to me with both hands in his front pockets.
He eyed Jamie in a way that said, ‘don’t mess with my sister,’ and Jamie tilted his chin to Joe and said, “Hey.”
I didn’t want to get into things with him, especially not today, but I understood that he was here to pay his respects. He had spent a lot of time with my family and both my parents loved him.
“I’ll see you inside, Vick,” Joe muttered, then made his way into the house. Jamie and I began to stroll down the street I grew up on. So much had changed, but now it seemed like everything had stayed the same, Jamie and I walking along the street, hanging out at the edge of the court with other friends. Walking with him reminded me of a time of innocence and purity; a time when I didn’t understand the cruelty of life. I hadn’t learned those lessons yet. “So how are you holding up?” he asked, tilting his head to look at me. He still kept his hands in his front pockets and his shoulders were slightly hunched. This was Jamie being nervous. The air around us crackled with uneasiness. We hadn’t spoken since the day I caught him cheating.
“You know, I’m taking it day by day,” I muttered.
We walked along to the edge of the court where there was a bench situated in the middle. “Do you want to sit for a minute?” he asked with hope in his eyes.
“Yeah sure,” I replied and took a seat on the bench. Jamie took a seat beside me but kept a comfortable distance from me.
“I’m sorry for what happened that day, Vick,” he began. I opened my mouth to say something but he lifted his hand to stop me. “Give me a minute, just hear me out.” I nodded in agreement. “You and I we had been so close for so long. I was in love with you, but I always worried that it wasn’t enough. I always worried that I wasn’t enough. You were brilliant. You went to university while I was working on cars. In the back of my head I always figured that the day would come when you would realize what I already knew. When my mother left me, it damaged me. There is no other way to look at. As an adult I understand that she left for her own selfish reasons, but as a kid I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. The reality is that, even today when I know better, I still have that insecurity inside me that makes me feel not good enough. Maybe that is the gift she left me with.” He shook his head. I couldn’t believe he was opening up this much. I had to admit that he was getting to me. There was a large part of me that broke because of what he did. “You have to know, Vick, I didn’t love Lily. That day at the shop was the first time I cheated. I know it’s not an excuse. She was easy and I took the opportunity, but I only did it because I was facing the inevitable.” He looked up to me with droopy eyes. I couldn’t say that I didn’t feel for him because I did. I felt sorry that his mother left the way she did. I knew he was living with that burden. I guess it gave me closure understanding that he cheated because he felt his own inadequacies and not from something that he didn’t like about me.
“I’m sorry you felt that way, Jamie,” I said finally, turning my head and really looking at him. He was very handsome and he was always good to me. Looking into his blue eyes reminded me of the good days. There was something about the first guy you had sex with that tugged at your heart. They may hold a special place, but it didn’t mean that they were your soul mate.