It was he. He waved. He was in the same blue sportswear.
"Don't tell me you are zoo dancing here!" I tried to be funny. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't know if I should move toward him or back out of the park. I thought about his naked back, his firm buttocks. I got up to walk toward him, but my feet became tangled. I felt that he somehow knew I had spied on him.
"Oh, I am taking a break here." He stood up to greet me. "I am tired of teaching the dances."
"Why don't you do that at home?" I decided just to stay where I was. We stood about fifteen feet away from each other. The distance was awkward for conversation but it comforted me.
"Well, I'm drafted constantly from my house."
"You mean Wild Ginger?"
He laughed. "No one escapes her."
I tried to figure out the meaning between his lines.
"You look deadly serious, Maple, like a party secretary. Come over, sit down. Let's have a chat, please."
"I…" I looked around as if trying to find a clock. "I'm late. I have to get going."
"Where?"
"A… drugstore. My mother is waiting for me."
"If you are in such a hurry, why did you even come to the park?"
I lost the courage to keep lying. "All right, I am not in a hurry."
"Come on, I haven't seen you for a long time. You must tell me how you have been and you might be curious about how I've been."
I saw you, heard you, and talked about you almost daily, my mind's voice said.
"Tell me something, talk to me, Maple," he said, looking at me.
The image of his naked body kept surfacing in front of my eyes.
"I've been doing fine," I said dryly.
"Have you been with Wild Ginger lately?"
I went silent.
"I am sure you have," he concluded. "You are each other's shadows. Did she… does she confide in you?"
"Sort of."
"Did she tell you anything… about me?"
"I don't know. I… am not sure… Well, I don't think so."
"I need a favor, Maple," he said.
"I am listening."
"It might not make sense to you, but I am experiencing something I'd like to try to share with you. Well, are you ready? Chairman Mao… All right, are you with me? Let me know if I lose you-"
"I am not sure if I want to hear it, Evergreen."
"I'll make it short. Very short. Gee, this is not easy. The Chairman teaches us to be selfless. But I am discovering the self, myself really, as a human being. For the first time, I've started to see things through my own eyes instead of Chairman Mao's… It's devastating. My whole world is upside down now… It's puzzling to you, isn't it?"
"Well, when did you start to change? What happened?"
"The moment you brought Wild Ginger to me. I have discovered something more meaningful than preaching Maoism, something more satisfactory to my nature. Do you know how difficult it is for me to bring this up?"
"You aren't talking about abandoning Maoism, are you?"
"Indeed, that might be exactly the question."
"And it is a very dangerous one too."
"But no, it's not the issue of safety. I know I can trust you. I do trust you-it doesn't make sense but it's true that I feel I can trust you more than I can trust Wild Ginger. It might sound strange. She is a Mao zealot. Her loyalty is beyond reproach. Her eyes see only what's red. You are different. Your eyes reflect the rainbow. Now the risky part is, wait a minute, what do people do with the brain's waste?"
"What do you mean?"
"Give it a try. Your mind is always a step ahead of mine."
"I could have said something else."
"No, I appreciated your frankness." He paused for a while. His hands went into his pockets as if they were cold. Suddenly he asked, "What's Wild Ginger's decision? Can she… does she want to… I mean, does she feel the same way I do?"
My mind struggled. I had the answer but I didn't know how to give it. I couldn't say, Yes, Wild Ginger is attracted to you, but you are not worthy enough for her to break her vow to Chairman Mao.
"I'm not in any position to judge my friend," I finally uttered.
"Do you know that she showed me her diary?" He began walking.
"No." I followed him.
"Do you know she carries a diary?"
I made no reply because I couldn't say, It's a fake diary.
"We're"-he lowered his voice-"we are in each other's lives at the moment. But I am puzzled by the way she acts."
"Are you or are you not in the diary?" I asked.
"No, I am not."
"It doesn't mean that you are not in her thoughts."
"Thank you. That's what I have been trying to tell myself."
"The diary"-I don't know why I suddenly decided to blow this-"is for show. It's going to be published nationwide and printed in textbooks."
"Then why the hell does she write it and call it a diary?"
"She is the Maoist model for the country. She has to do what's expected of a Maoist."
"This really bothers me. Maple, let me tell you something. There is a wonderful part of her character and there is also a phony part. This is what we have been fighting: she wants no other life besides promoting Maoism. Her instincts might want what a human being wants but not her head. She's trying to kill off her human self."
"Well, you must understand that it is not easy to give up one's personal life for a national cause."
"National cause? Are you sincere, Maple?"
I found my defense weak-what bothered Evergreen bothered me too.
"I am not interested in teaching the zoo dancing at all, to tell you the truth."
"Aren't you supposed to say Zhong dancing?"
"I did it on purpose. To me it is zoo dancing-every one has been forced into a barn. People have better things to do, like resting, taking care of their households, being together, cooking, reading, playing, and making-" He cut his words short and lowered his head.
"The first installment of her diary will be out in a couple of months." I brought back the subject.
"I won't read it," he said firmly, then asked, "Will you?"
"I might not enjoy it. But I will read it. I do everything she asks of me."
He turned to look at me suspiciously, then smiled. "You make me want to be a woman so I can get closer to Wild Ginger."
"I don't really feel close to her or even understand her."
"How do you mean?"
"This diary thing, for example. To publish it is to publish and legalize a big lie. It's harmful. It's dishonest. It'll damage the minds of the young. It's a false portrait of a Maoist. Not only will Wild Ginger suffer the consequences, other people will be forced to copy her-the model can do it, why can't you?"
"I shake hands with you, Maple. I shake hands with you. I really do. Thank you for answering my question… Wild Ginger is lucky to have a friend like you."
"Not necessarily." Somehow his compliments made me feel bitter. "She is lucky for what she has. It has nothing to do with me. She and I… I cannot achieve what she has achieved or is capable of achieving in the future. It's not that I agree with everything she does. I can't make myself be such an ardent Maoist. I'm not that driven. I am not that interested, or obsessed. I can recite a lot of quotations, though. It was a way to earn my place in the school and society. Wild Ginger is… I can't really say that she is being dishonest. Let's put it this way: she knows what it is like to be called an anti-Maoist. I won't question her motives. She writes the diary with sincerity. The reason she won't expose parts of herself is because she really believes that her behavior was immoral, and she is determined to fight it. She believes that she can overcome it."
"Will she?"
"She lives to win."
"Will there be a chance that someone might change her mind?"
"I'm not a good person to ask."
"Have you been encouraging her to be a Maoist?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I feel… sad, really sad. She has to give up so much to achieve her goal."