WOMAN I’m not going to sleep with you.
ANDREW I don’t want you to sleep with me.
WOMAN I can get one of those girls if this is just a way to get a bit.
ANDREW Can you please take this seriously.
WOMAN What then?
ANDREW I don’t know. Sacrifice something. Take your clothes off.
WOMAN I’m sorry?!
ANDREW No I don’t mean – just all you’ve got is you, like you said a woman standing in a room. And we need to establish some trust. There’s nothing else I can do. You know everything about me. You’ve got the resources and I’ve never hidden anything, but you need to give me something in return and you’re absolutely right, all you’ve got is what’s tangibly in this room. So I’ve got that far.
You come up with something then.
She thinks.
Sits opposite him.
Then takes out a safety pin from her bag.
A relatively large one.
WOMAN Okay. So here’s my idea.
She unbends the safety pin so it’s a needle. Then gets a lighter and lights the end. Holds the tip of the needle in the flame.
So that you trust me. I’m going to put this needle through my skin. This piece of skin here, between my thumb and forefinger. I will put an actual hole in it. And yes, that hole will heal, but it will leave a scar. And I don’t have any other scars on my body. Not one. You can check if you like – well the bits you can see I’m not taking any clothes off – and I certainly don’t have any other marks on my hands like this. So if I do this you will know that you are unique and this is real and it matters to me and that I mean what I say. What do you think?
ANDREW Are you heating it up?
WOMAN I think it sterilises it or something I’ve never really done this before and I don’t have a crack habit so I’m basically a novice but it can’t do any harm right.
ANDREW Okay.
Beat.
WOMAN You’re sure you need this?
ANDREW Yes. It’s a start.
WOMAN A ‘start’! Jesus. Ready?
ANDREW Yes.
She’s about to do it.
Why does the phone have nothing in it?
She stops.
WOMAN I’m sorry?
ANDREW The phone. I opened it and there’s nothing inside. Just a speaker and some electronics.
WOMAN Well that’s what you’d find inside a phone that’s basically –
ANDREW No you’d normally find something to operate the buttons, a little circuit board but in there it’s literally just a speaker really.
WOMAN You want to – shall we do this in a minute?
ANDREW I thought it might… I thought it might be relevant.
WOMAN Well it’s the Russians they’ve given you a fake phone haven’t they? Bloody Russians.
ANDREW But it was you who said you had it disconnected.
WOMAN I know! And now it turns out it wasn’t a real phone anyway, waste of bloody time! Look we’re good, Andrew, but we can’t get everything right.
ANDREW just looks at her.
May I?
ANDREW Okay.
Beat.
WOMAN This is really going to hurt, isn’t it?
ANDREW I would imagine.
WOMAN You’re going to let me do this?
ANDREW I think it will help. Yes.
WOMAN God. I’m glad I’m quite drunk. Actually get me that bottle of whiskey from the thing. The one I had before.
He does.
She takes it. Drinks it. Sploshes some over the needle.
Alcohol’s supposed to – oh fuck it.
She puts the needle through the piece of skin. Winces.
ANDREW Are you okay?
WOMAN Yeah.
Blood comes out.
It’s really painful.
She finishes.
Can you get me some tissue?
He does.
He gives it to her.
Jesus that hurt.
She stops the bleeding.
Okay. Okay.
She drinks from the whiskey.
Okay. So. Right. So. Happy?
He nods.
Good. Cos you can believe what you like but you saw that – that was like some blood, an actual bodily act. You want to see?
ANDREW Yes.
She shows him.
WOMAN Okay?
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN Right.
Beat.
So you see it does matter to me. To us. You matter a huge amount. You are unique. We do need you. I am who I say I am, and I’ll always have a scar to prove it. If I did this all the time, my hand would be covered in scars, which as you can see, it’s not.
So?
Are you in?
So you’re in? Tomorrow we’ll call him, and say that you’re on board and you’ll do what we say, and you’ll let us help you.
So?
Very long pause.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN Good to have you with us.
She puts her hand out for him to shake.
You want to shake?
He doesn’t. She puts her hand away.
She stands. Drinks from the whiskey.
I’ll see you in the morning.
ANDREW Yes.
WOMAN You going to put some clothes on now?
ANDREW Maybe.
WOMAN You like the hat?
ANDREW Yes.
WOMAN Good.
Beat.
ANDREW What are you going to do now?
WOMAN Well I’m – surprisingly enough I’m not so tired any more so I think I’m going to go downstairs and get another drink and maybe a sandwich, they do these all-night sandwiches that are only one type – it’s like ham and something but they’re very moreish so I’m going to have one or two of those and sit and drink, and maybe you know what even have a cigarette to mask this fucking pain you made me go through, and I’ll hang out with the prozzies until they get carted away. And eventually I’ll fall asleep in my room and in the morning I’ll come and get you. Nine o’clock.
ANDREW What then? In the morning.
WOMAN Firstly, get you out of this fucking room.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN Then get your position in Russia secure.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN Passport. Get you granted asylum. Get Putin onside. We’ve got calls we can make. We’ll try to get you on the phone with him as well.
Beat.
ANDREW I can’t believe you actually just did that.
WOMAN Like you said. We’ve got to start somewhere. In the cold war we’d have had to sleep together to prove mutual trust. Now it’s just self-mutilation.
ANDREW Progress.
WOMAN Exactly.
She goes.
He sits.
He stands.
He goes to the wall.
Puts his hand on it.
4.
The next morning.
The WOMAN and the MAN stand in the room with ANDREW.
ANDREW I’ve been thinking about the phone.
WOMAN You know we’re both here right?
ANDREW Yes, but that’s not what bothers me.
WOMAN Okay.
MAN What about the phone?
ANDREW That there’s nothing in it.
WOMAN He was going on about this last night –
ANDREW It doesn’t make sense.
WOMAN There is something in it, you said there’s a speaker and we told you it was the Russians.