ANDREW Well you know I kind of think I’m done now, I’m not going to make a habit of it so –
WOMAN Well you can’t mate.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN You’ve shot your load.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN So what now? That’s the question. That’s what’s of interest to us. What happens to you now?
ANDREW Do you have friends?
WOMAN Yes. Loads. Uni friends mostly. We’re a tight-knit group. Argue into the night issues of politics, society, high-level intelligent debate about actually no I don’t have any friends I work too hard.
You see? You just can’t tell.
Pause.
ANDREW I will have that drink.
WOMAN I thought you might.
ANDREW
WOMAN
ANDREW …
WOMAN Lonely.
ANDREW Right at this moment, I am. Yes.
WOMAN You don’t give a shit about any of all of that now do you? You just want a hug.
ANDREW …
She edges closer.
Then squeezes his shoulder, awkwardly.
WOMAN Is that okay? Thought a hug might be a bit… much?
So… just thought I’d give you a… squeeze?
She does it again.
Then pats him.
It’ll be okay.
Her hand comes to rest on him.
Your parents are called Ellen and Harry.
ANDREW Yes they are.
WOMAN You see I know that.
ANDREW Yes I can see that you know that well.
WOMAN You know what else I know?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Your SAT scores for every year you took them.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN You know what else?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Pretty much everything I know about Sam, I know about Michael, I know about Terri – oh – oh well I know about Sara. I know the car you drive, sorry, drove, I know the clothes you wore when you were seventeen with the… wow – hair, I know where you’ve been on holiday every time you’ve been to another country which isn’t that many, if we don’t count Hawaii which we shouldn’t, in fact you’ve doubled that number in the last couple of days.
ANDREW Of course you know all that, it’s on Facebook, Instagram, a child could probably find out all of that –
WOMAN Yeah, that’s my point, the fact is that if anyone really wants to know about someone else now, you can. That’s just how it is, you have no privacy really you have no rights –
ANDREW You do have rights –
WOMAN Oh okay you do, but, you know, in reality, as soon as you get a Google account or go on Facebook whatever and you tick that little box with all the terms and conditions that you never read, you don’t. And it goes further than that if we were going to expend all this energy helping you out we had to go as deep as possible, so I’m not just talking stuff you can find on Facebook, I’m talking everything, I think probably I know more about you than anyone else on the planet right now, I certainly know more than your parents or Cindy, I think I possibly know more than you do about yourself given the amount of cannabis you smoked at college. So you want to know anything about yourself just ask.
ANDREW I don’t.
WOMAN Test me.
ANDREW I really don’t. You know why? Because none of that makes any difference now. This is like the blankest cleanest slate I could start with. I have a single bag of stuff and that’s it, that’s all I now own. I know you, here, and that’s it. As you’ve pointed out I don’t speak Russian, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive here. I don’t know how to get food, I can’t read this fucking alphabet. It’s all strange to me here, all alien, I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or next month or next year, where I’m going to move on to, or what my life is about. I don’t know what my future is – if Cindy going’s to come out and stay or –
WOMAN I thought you split up with Cindy.
ANDREW You said you knew everything about me.
WOMAN I do. I thought you split up with Cindy.
ANDREW –
WOMAN –
ANDREW That was the last call I made.
WOMAN Right.
ANDREW To break up with her.
WOMAN You knew what was going to happen and you made her believe you didn’t love her any more.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN Problem is, when she found out what you did, she worked out why you broke up with her, and she doesn’t believe it and she’s still in love with you and determined to find you, so that plan didn’t work, you should be lucky we’re handling that side of things now, because from the evidence you are a bit shit at it.
ANDREW Is he coming then?
Beat.
Or is he going to call me? Beat.
Or not?
Pause.
WOMAN You want to know some things about Russia?
Beat.
You want to know some things about Russia?
ANDREW I can look on Wikipedia.
WOMAN I’m more fun. Your laptop’s gone mysteriously missing anyway. And you don’t have a phone so –
ANDREW No I do. I don’t have a charger that fits to sockets on the wall so it’s not working right now but I do have one. It’s in my case.
WOMAN It’s not. We took it.
ANDREW Give it back.
WOMAN For your own good. As you are aware, if you have a phone, they can find out where you are.
Pause.
So you want to know some things then?
ANDREW About Russia.
WOMAN Yeah.
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Population?
ANDREW ?
WOMAN 144 million.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN It’s bigger than Pluto.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN Each Russian, on average, consumes eighteen litres of alcohol per year, double what experts consider dangerous.
ANDREW What do you want me to do with that?
WOMAN This is where you are and I think it’s important you know the facts.
ANDREW Why?
WOMAN Because I don’t think you’re that bright, Andrew. I think you’re actually a little bit stupid – I’m not being mean here, but if you’re going to survive, if you’re going to make any contribution going forward the only thing you can rely on is your brain and your ability to articulate yourself. You’re fucking Nick Leeson, by which I don’t mean you’re fucking Nick Leeson, I mean that’s the equivalent of who you are. He could only make a meaningful contribution and do so well in the ‘media’ after he got out of jail because he had a unique combination of experience and intelligence. Now you have a unique experience but your intelligence needs work.
ANDREW I’m smart.
WOMAN You don’t know who Nick Leeson is, do you?
ANDREW Another British reference?
WOMAN Er – yeah, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know it. I know loads of Americans and I’m British – well – sort of –
ANDREW I was employed by the US Government at an extremely high level, which should give some indication of –
WOMAN You’re medium smart, you’re red-brick, middle-scale, mid-league bright, but you need to be elite Oxford Harvard bright.
ANDREW I went to Harvard.
WOMAN Why are you lying? I know where you went.
ANDREW I was testing you because I wanted to do something in the conversation.
WOMAN Then say something – have something to offer and say something.
ANDREW …
WOMAN This is what I mean you don’t have it click click like off the tip of your tongue, it takes a thought, but you need it right there.
ANDREW Why?
WOMAN If you’re going to become a spokesperson for us.
ANDREW Spokesperson?
WOMAN That’s the current idea.
ANDREW No.