C-3PO
Lo, ’tis forbidden, Gen’ral Solo, for
E’en droids aren’t masters of divinity.
Han
Thou fickle spirit! Deity or not,
I shall a spiritual experience
Enjoy as I do tear thee limb from limb.
[The Ewoks surround and threaten Han Solo.
TEEBO
Na goo, na goo,
Heesall na doo,
Heesall beest ill,
Ya doo, ya doo.
Han
Pray pardon, jolly beasts. Nay, fear me not—
’Twas but a jest, for he is my old friend.
[The Ewoks bind Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and R2-D2 and take them to their village, with C-3PO enthroned.
Luke
Now are we ta’en unto their simple homes—
Plain huts of wood with branches for their roofs.
A simple tribe are these, yet wise as well—
With neither guns nor lightsabers they snar’d
A pilot skill’d, a Wookiee brave and strong,
A Jedi Knight, and two most earnest droids.
’Twas quite a catch for such a humble net.
And now, like spits upon a fire we’re hung.
But what transpireth next? We’ll see anon.
Han
My feelings are o’ercome with thoughts most dire:
They ready for a feast, but where’s the food?
Do they not know I shall a poor meal make?
No supper may be cook’d from Han’s firm flesh,
For smuggler meat is all too hard and tough.
Chewbac.
Auugh!
TEEBO
E krandeh krandeh,
Thessah mandeh,
Thessah kuukah,
Gandeh, gandeh,
C-3PO
Ad toyum toyum,
Lessum goyum,
Nossah dootis,
Noyum, noyum.
Han
—Prithee, tell me, droid, what did he say?
C-3PO
O, it is rather an embarrassment
Good Gen’ral Solo. It appears that thou
Shalt be the main course at a banquet in
My honor. I am quite asham’d, good Sir,
And promise I shall not enjoy the meal.
Chewbac.
Auugh!
[Ewoks begin playing drums.
EWOKS
[ singing:] A gunda gunda,
Thissa funda,
Thessa burna,
Kunda, kunda.
Enter PRINCESS LEIA.
Luke
—Leia!
Han
—O, my heart! My precious one!
My Leia! Now may I go up in flames,
Since I have seen thee safe and well again,
Belovèd.
C-3PO
—Royal Highness!
Leia
—What is this
That doth transpire here? Luke and Han bound up?
[Leia approaches but is stopped by Ewoks.
[ To Ewoks:] Nay, do not hinder me, my newfound friends.
These goodly men are dear to me, they are
The closest that I have to family.
Pray, still your doubtful, cautious minds, and I
Shall show ye that these people mean no harm.
C-3PO, thou somehow art enthron’d,
Which doth suggest thou hast some sway o’er them.
Serve thou as translator, and tell these imps
To free our brave companions from their bonds.
C-3PO
[ to Teebo:] I rooktah rooktah,
Nowyee looktah,
Lessem freeum,
Booktah, booktah.
[The Ewoks continue their preparations for the feast.
Han
It seemeth that thy kingly words did fall
Upon their peasant ears a little less
Than royally.
Luke
—Good 3PO, relay
To them that if they shall not heed thy words,
Thou wilt astound them with thine anger fierce,
And ply thy magic on them.
C-3PO
—Magic, Sir?
I know not what you mean. I have no magic!
Luke
I prithee: argue not, but tell them now.
C-3PO
[ to Ewoks:] No gosh, no gosh,
I yami bosh,
I uzzee prahnkh,
E boomabosh.
[The Ewoks stop momentarily and then resume their preparations.
O, see’st thou, Master Luke? They paid no heed,
As I suspected they would not, the brutes!
Luke
[ aside:] Now Force, come flow within, around, above.
Raise up the droid upon his wooden throne,
And let these creatures think he is their god,
A’raging in his anger. Let them shrink
And cower in their fear, and be so mov’d
That they shall do his every command.
C-3PO lifts up above the ground
And is quite terrified to be so high.
But frighten’d as they are, they do not see
Their god is yet more petrified than they.
They scatter to and fro and up and down,
For here’s a sight they ne’er have seen before:
A being flying sans the use of wings.
O work thy power, Force, be thou my aid
And constant strong companion in our need.
Success! The creatures now are quite convinc’d,
And move with haste to free us of our bounds.
C-3PO doth lower into place,
And now we all are free—O thank the Force,
That mov’d in me so I could move the droid,
And move these creatures to release us all.
[The Ewoks unbind Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca. An Ewok frees R2-D2 and R2-D2 shocks the Ewok. The Ewok runs away.
R2-D2
[ aside:] Now come ye back, ye scurvy, furry things,
I’ll shock ye all for your abuse of us.
Han
O mistress mine, to see thee brings me joy!
Draw nigh and plant upon my lips a kiss.
Leia
Luke hath secur’d your safety with his ploy—
No sweeter meeting can I wish than this!
[Han Solo and Princess Leia kiss. Wicket approaches R2-D2.
Wicket
W’goodo, goodo,
Whoosah yoodo,
Yoosah speccul,
Hoodo, hoodo.
Luke
[ to C-3PO:] My gratitude profound, C-3PO.
C-3PO
Forsooth, I never knew ’twas in me, Sir.
Luke
These little creatures may have value yet
If they our allies in this fight become.
I need thine aid now to convince them so—
I prithee, 3PO, make known to them
Our dire adventures ’gainst the Empire vile.
C-3PO
I know not, Master. I am not a bard
Who can with skillful tongue his story tell.
Leia
But try, C-3PO—the tale relay
In their own language.
[The Ewoks gather and listen.
C-3PO
—All the world’s at war,
And all the rebels in it are the heroes;
They have their battles and their skirmishes,
And rebels in these scenes have play’d their parts,
Their story being seven ages. First,
Our princess that was captur’d was then sav’d,
But Alderaan did pay the costly price.
And then the Death Star battle, with its guns
And awful loss of life, like speeder bikes
We flew unto the final vict’ry. Then
To Hoth, so barren, with a woeful ballad
Compos’d for our lost comrades. Then to
Bespin,
Full of strange imps and fearful twists of fate.
My master fac’d Darth Vader, quick in quarrel,
While Lando, Chewie, and the princess just
Escap’d the cannon’s mouth. But then our Han—
In fair trim belly with good humor lin’d,
With eyes severe and hair of scruffy cut,
Full of harsh tongue and modern instances—
Was plac’d in carbonite. The sixth age shift’d
To Tatooine, a lean and lonely place,
With Jabba there to give us all a fright.
The sarlacc vicious was a world too wide
For us to spend eternity within.
We turn’d again to Master Luke, who with
The Force did save our lives. Last scene of all,
That ends this brave eventful history,
Shall be the Empire’s fall t’oblivion,
Sans pow’r, sans hate, sans fear, sans ev’rything.