She turned over to face him. Her hand reached up to stroke his face. “You haven’t been right since Redden went into the Forbidding. You lost yourself for a while, lost everything that makes you who you are. The way you fussed about Austrum? We talked; that was all. He’s interesting because he isn’t afraid of me. He lets me know right away what he’s thinking. Kissing me was bold. I liked that. But he’s not for me.”
Railing couldn’t help himself. “And I am?”
She looked away. “I don’t know. I’m not sure about you. You’re still out there somewhere, hiding out, keeping apart. You haven’t come all the way back, even now.”
“But this … what we just …”
“That isn’t enough. Don’t you see? It’s just something that happened. Yes, I wanted it to happen. I did. But it was just what I said before—a finding out.”
He locked down everything he was tempted to say and put it all in a safe place. He breathed in the scent of the grasses and the night air and looked up at the stars.
“I want more of you than you’ve given me,” he said. “I want a lot more. Maybe I want everything. I’m saying this to you straight out because I don’t want you to think I would ever take what just happened lightly. I understand what you’re telling me about myself. I know you’re right. I’ve gone way off into the woods, and I can’t seem to find my way back. But I will.”
She was silent a minute, then she got to her feet. “We shouldn’t be out here like this. We might not be safe. Besides, I’m getting cold.”
He rose with her. He tried not to look at her, but failed miserably and was filled with an aching that worked its way from his exposed skin right down to the deepest part of his heart. He desperately wanted to hold on to her, but he didn’t know if he could.
When they were ready to set out for the airship, Mirai suddenly turned back and faced the grave. “Just a minute.” She clasped her hands in front of her. “Good-bye, Farshaun. Thanks for teaching us so much. Thanks for believing in us and always being there. You had a good heart. Railing and Redden and I will miss you every day.”
She paused. “And don’t be offended by what happened between Railing and me. I think it helped us both to cope with your loss. I think if you could tell us, you would say that you approve.”
She turned away again, not bothering to look at Railing. “Come on, let’s go.”
As they walked back toward the Quickening, Railing decided to do what he should have done days earlier—what he knew instinctively she expected him to do if he loved her as much as he claimed. He told her about his meetings with the King of the Silver River and the Grimpond. He told her everything he had been keeping secret from her and held nothing back. He opened himself up and let it all come out. He did it in a clean straightforward way, being as honest as he could about what he thought it all meant and how it made him feel.
“I knew what I was doing by hiding all this,” he said when he had finished. “I knew it was wrong, that I was being selfish and arrogant. I just couldn’t accept having to turn back because no one else felt as strongly about finding Redden as I did. But I couldn’t face the prospect of going into the Forbidding after him, either. I can admit that now. The idea terrified me. Finding Grianne Ohmsford seemed the better choice. I convinced myself of it. If I had it to do over, I might make the same choice again. I can’t say I wouldn’t. Redden means everything to me.”
“And you thought I didn’t feel as strongly about him as you do?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t know. Well, I guess I did. I didn’t think you would turn back. Not really. But if it was just you and me, how could we manage? We need the airship to carry us and the others to help sail it. I was afraid that, if you knew, you might think you had to tell them. I just couldn’t risk it.”
“But now you’ve changed your mind? Why?”
“You know,” he said.
They reached the ship and climbed the rope ladder, which apparently had been left down for them. One of the Rovers on watch grunted an acknowledgment and pulled the ladder up after they were aboard. They said good night to him, and together they walked to the empty pilot box and sat down in front of it, shoulder-to-shoulder, staring out at the night.
“I don’t much like you for being so self-centered,” she said after a few minutes, “but I understand why you did it. And at least you’re telling me now. I appreciate that.”
He looked into her eyes, forcing himself to meet her steady gaze. “In the morning, I’ll tell the others.”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t think that you should. It doesn’t matter now. We’ve come too far. No one’s turning back at this point.”
“But they should know. I have to tell them. It’s bad enough I didn’t do so before.”
“It’s bad you didn’t. No argument there. But you won’t accomplish anything by telling them now. Farshaun gave his life for this quest. Everyone believes in it, and it would be wrong to take that away from them. Besides, you don’t know for sure what the warnings mean. Or even if they’re real. You don’t know what’s going to happen.”
She reached across and gripped his arm hard. “You’ve committed us to this thing, and you can’t back out of it now. We have to keep going.”
They stared out at the stars for a few moments. Railing tried to think what he should say, but it was Mirai who spoke first.
“You’re looking at our task in the wrong way. You’re thinking only of Redden. Find Grianne, bring her back from wherever she is, and maybe she can save him from the Forbidding—that’s your plan. But there’s more at stake now than there was in the beginning. The Ellcrys is failing; the demons are breaking out of the Forbidding. Everyone in the Four Lands is at risk. Bringing Grianne back to face the Straken Lord is about more than helping Redden. It’s about helping everyone. Maybe Grianne can do something to stop the Straken Lord; maybe she can prevent him from invading the Four Lands.”
“If she even exists,” he said.
“Don’t talk like that. You’re the one who thinks she does. That’s why we all came with you. You better not stop believing now.”
He drew back defensively. “Don’t worry. I won’t.”
She shook her head, as if uncertain of his answer. “She was a powerful witch before she left Paranor and disappeared. Everyone knows the stories about her. But that was a long time ago. We just have to find out if she still is. We have to hope she can help.”
She paused. “We need you to return to the way you once were. We need you to be strong for the rest of us. We’ve lost all but two of the Druids, and neither one of those is here to lead us. We’ve lost Farshaun. There’s no one else. You’re the leader. You’re the one we all look to.”
She went silent again, this time for much longer. The Rovers on watch traded positions fore and aft, walking past like ghosts in the darkness. Railing tried to imagine what would happen if his efforts failed and he had to go into the Forbidding and find Redden by himself. He would do it, of course. He would do anything for his brother.
Except give up the girl sitting beside him, he thought suddenly.
Or would he even do that for Redden?
He glanced over and away again, quickly. “I won’t say anything to the others. We’ll just go on like nothing’s different, like everything will work out.”
She gave him a look. “Nothing is different. Not where this quest is concerned. And everything will work out, one way or the other.”
He felt scolded and turned away. “I guess it will.”
He felt her eyes on him, cool and appraising. “I’ll say it one more time. We all need you to be who you were when you left Bakrabru. The man Farshaun knew. You got back to that a little while ago, in a small way. Don’t forget what it took.”
He almost smiled at the implication, but managed with some effort to remain expressionless.