Without Remorse

She took a deep breath. There was nothing more to be said.

'You said you're going away.'

'Yes. If things work out I should be back in about two weeks.'

'Will it be dangerous?'

'Not if I do it right.' Kelly knew she would see through that one.

'Doing what?'

'A rescue mission. That's as far as I can go, and please don't repeat that to anyone. I'm leaving tonight. I've been off training for it, down at a military base.'

It was Sandy's turn to look away, back towards the kitchen door. He wasn't giving her a chance. There were too many contradictions. He'd saved a girl who would otherwise have certainly died, but he'd killed to do it. He loved a girl who was dead. He was willing to kill others because of that love, to risk everything for it. He'd trusted her and Sarah and Sam. Was he a bad man or a good one? The mixture of facts and ideas was impossible to reconcile. Seeing what had happened to Doris, working so hard now to get her well, hearing her voice - and her father's - it had all made sense to her at the time. It was always easy to consider things dispassionately, when they were at a distance. But not now, faced with the man who had done it all, who explained himself calmly and directly, not lying, not concealing, just telling the truth, and trusting her, again, to understand.

'Vietnam?' she asked after a few moments, temporizing, trying to add more substance to a very muddled collection of thoughts.

'That's right.' Kelly paused. He had to explain it, just a little, to help her understand. 'There are some people over there who won't get back unless we do something, and I am part of it.'

'But why do you have to go?'

'Why me? It has to be somebody, and I'm the one they asked. Why do you do the things you do, Sandy? I asked that before, remember?'

'Damn you, John! I've started to care about you,' she blurted out.

The pain returned to his face one more time. 'Don't. You might get hurt again, and I wouldn't want that.' Which was exactly the wrong thing for him to say. 'People who get attached to me get hurt, Sandy.'

Sarah came in just then, leading Doris into the kitchen, for the moment saving both of them from themselves. The girl was transformed. Her eyes were animated now. Sandy had trimmed her hair and found decent clothes for her. She was still weak, but moving under her own power now. Her soft brown eyes fixed on Kelly.

'You're him,' she said quietly.

'I guess I am. How are you?'

She smiled. 'I'm going home soon. Daddy - Daddy wants me back.'

'I'm sure he does, ma'am,' Kelly said. She was so different from the victim he'd seen only a few weeks before. Maybe it did all mean something.

The same thought came into Sandy's mind just then. Doris was the innocent one, the real victim of forces that had descended on her, and but for Kelly, she would be dead. Nothing else could have saved her. Other deaths had been necessary, but - but what?

'So maybe it was Eddie,' Piaggi said. 'I told him to sniff around and he says he doesn't have anything.'

'And nothing's happened since you talked to him. Everything's back to normal, like,' Henry replied, telling Anthony Piaggi what he already knew and following with a conclusion that he had also considered. 'What if he was just trying to shake things up a little? What if he just wanted to be more important, Tony?'

'Possible.'

Which led to the next question: 'How much you want to bet that if Eddie takes a little trip, nothing else happens?'

'You think he's making a move?'

'You got anything else that makes sense?'

'Anything happens to Eddie, there could be trouble. I don't think I can -'

'Let me handle it? I have a way that'll work just fine.'

'Tell me about it,' Piaggi said. Two minutes later he nodded approval.

'Why did you come here?' Sandy asked while she and Kelly cleaned up the dinner table. Sarah took Doris back upstairs for more rest.

'I wanted to see how she was doing.' But that was a lie, and not an especially good one.

'It's lonely, isn't it?' Kelly took a long time to answer.

'Yeah.' She'd forced him to face something. Being alone was not the sort of life he wanted to have, but fate and his own nature had forced it on him. Every time he'd reached out, something terrible had happened. Vengeance against those who had made his life into what it now was did make for a purpose, but it wasn't enough to fill the void they'd created. And now it was clear that what he was doing, all of it, was merely distancing him from someone else. How did life get so complicated as this?

'I can't say it's okay, John. I wish I could. Saving Doris was a fine thing, but not through killing people. There is supposed to be another way -'

' - and if there isn't, then what?'

'Let me finish?' Sandy asked quietly.

'Sorry.'

She touched his hand. 'Please be careful.'

'I usually am, Sandy. Honest.'

'What you're doing, what you're going off to, it's not -'

He smiled. 'No, it's a real job. Official stuff and everything.'

'Two weeks?'

'If it goes according to plan, yes.'

'Will it?'

'Sometimes it actually does.'

Her hand squeezed his. 'John, please, think it over. Please? Try to find another way. Let it go. Let it stop. You saved Doris. That's a wonderful thing. Maybe with what you've learned you can save the others without - without any more killing?'

'I'll try.' He couldn't say no to that, not with the warmth of her hand on his, and Kelly's trap was that his word, once given, could not be taken back. 'Anyway, I have other things to worry about now.' Which was true.

'How will I know, John -I mean -'

'About me?' He was surprised she would even want to know.

'John, you can't just leave me not knowing.'

Kelly thought for a moment, pulled a pen from his coat, and wrote down a phone number. "This goes to a guy - an admiral named James Greer. He'll know, Sandy.'

'Please be careful.' Her grip and her eyes were desperate now.

'I will, I promise. I'm good at this, okay?'

So wasTim. She didn't have to say it. Her eyes did, and Kelly understood how cruel it could be to leave anyone behind.

'I have to go now, Sandy.'

'Just make sure you come back.'

'I will. Promise.' But the words sounded empty, even to him. Kelly wanted to kiss her but couldn't. He moved away from the table, feeling her hand still on his. She was a tall woman, and very strong and brave, but she'd been hurt badly before, and it frightened Kelly that he might bring yet more pain to her life. 'See you in a couple weeks. Say goodbye to Sarah and Doris for me, okay?'

'Yes.' She followed him towards the front door. 'John, when you get back, let it stop.'

'I'll think about it,' he said without turning, because he was afraid to look at her again. 'I will.'

Kelly opened the door. It was dark outside now, and he'd have to hustle to get to Quantico on time. He could hear her behind him, hear her breathing. Two women in his life, one taken by accident, one by murder, and now perhaps a third whom he was driving away all by himself.

'John?' She hadn't let go of his hand, and he had to turn back despite his fear.

'Yes, Sandy?'

'Come back.'

He touched her face again, and kissed her hand, and drew away. She watched him walk to the Volkswagen and drive off.

Even now, she thought. Even now he's trying to protect me.

Is it enough? Can I stop now? But what was 'enough'?

'Think it through,' he said aloud. 'What do you know that others can use?'

It was quite a lot, really. Billy had told him much, perhaps a sufficient amount. The drugs were processed on one of those wrecked ships. He had Henry's name, and Burt's. He knew a senior narcotics officer was in Henry's employ. Could the police take that and spin it into a case firm enough to put them all behind bars for drug trafficking and murder? Might Henry get a death sentence? And if the answer to every question was yes, was that good enough?

As much as Sandy's misgivings, his association with the Marines had brought the same questions to the front of his mind. What would they think if they knew that they were associating with a murderer? Would they see it that way or would they be sympathetic to his point of view?