David Markson
Wittgenstein's Mistress
For Joan Semmel
"What an extraordinary change takes place… when for the first time the fact that everything depends upon how a thing is thought first enters the consciousness, when, in consequence, thought in its absoluteness replaces an apparent reality."
"When I was still doubtful as to his ability, I asked G. E. Moore for his opinion. Moore replied, 'I think very well of him indeed.' When I enquired the reason for his opinion, he said that it was because Wittgenstein was the only man who looked puzzled at his lectures."
"I can well understand why children love sand."
~ ~ ~
IN THE BEGINNING, sometimes I left messages in the street.
Somebody is living in the Louvre, certain of the messages would say. Or in the National Gallery.
Naturally they could only say that when I was in Paris or in London. Somebody is living in the Metropolitan Museum, being what they would say when I was still in New York.
Nobody came, of course. Eventually I stopped leaving the messages.
To tell the truth, perhaps I left only three or four messages altogether.
I have no idea how long ago it was when I was doing that. If I were forced to guess, I believe I would guess ten years.
Possibly it was several years longer ago than that, however.
And of course I was quite out of my mind for a certain period too, back then.
I do not know for how long a period, but for a certain period.
Time out of mind. Which is a phrase I suspect I may have never properly understood, now that I happen to use it.
Time out of mind meaning mad, or time out of mind meaning simply forgotten?
But in either case there was little question about that madness. As when I drove that time to that obscure corner of Turkey, for instance, to visit at the site of ancient Troy.
And for some reason wished especially to look at the river there, that I had read about as well, flowing past the citadel to the sea.
I have forgotten the name of the river, which was actually a muddy stream.
And at any rate I do not mean to the sea, but to the Dardanelles, which used to be called the Hellespont.
The name of Troy had been changed too, naturally. Hisarlik, being what it was changed to.
In many ways my visit was a disappointment, the site being astonishingly small. Like little more than your ordinary city block and a few stories in height, practically.
Still, from the ruins one could see Mount Ida, all of that distance away.
Even in late spring, there was snow on the mountain.
Somebody went there to die, I believe, in one of the old stories. Paris, perhaps.
I mean the Paris who had been Helen's lover, naturally. And who was wounded quite near the end of that war.
As a matter of fact it was Helen I mostly thought about, when I was at Troy.
I was about to add that I even dreamed, for a while, that the Greek ships were beached there still.
Well, it would have been a harmless enough thing to dream.
From Hisarlik, the water is perhaps an hour's walk away. What I had planned to do next was to take an ordinary rowboat across, and then drive on into Europe through Yugoslavia.
Possibly I mean Yugoslavia. In any case on that side of the channel there are monuments to the soldiers who died there in the first World War.
On the side where Troy is, one can find a monument where Achilles was buried, so much longer ago.
Well, they say it is where Achilles was buried.
Still, I find it extraordinary that young men died there in a war that long ago, and then died in the same place three thousand years after that.
But be that as it may, I changed my mind about crossing the Hellespont. By which I mean the Dardanelles. What I did was pick out a motor launch and go by way of the Greek islands and Athens, instead.
Even with only a page torn out of an atlas, instead of maritime charts, it took me only two unhurried days to get to Greece. A good deal about that ancient war was doubtless greatly exaggerated.
Still, certain things can touch a chord.
Such as for instance a day or two after that, seeing the Parthenon by the late afternoon sun.
It was that winter during which I lived in the Louvre, I believe. Burning artifacts and picture frames for warmth, in a poorly ventilated room.
But then with the first signs of thaw, switching vehicles whenever I ran low on gas, started back across central Russia to make my way home again.
All of this being indisputably true, if as I say long ago. And if as I also say, I may well have been mad.
Then again I am not at all certain I was mad when I drove to Mexico, before that.
Possibly before that. To visit at the grave of a child I had lost, even longer ago than all of this, named Adam.
Why have I written that his name was Adam?
Simon is what my little boy was named.
Time out of mind. Meaning that one can even momentarily forget the name of one's only child, who would be thirty by now?
I doubt thirty. Say twenty-six, or twenty-seven.
Am I fifty, then?
There is only one mirror, here in this house on this beach. Perhaps the mirror says fifty.
My hands say that. It has come to show on the backs of my hands.
Conversely I am still menstruating. Irregularly, so that often it will go on for weeks, but then will not occur again until I have almost forgotten about it.
Perhaps I am no more than forty-seven or forty-eight. I am certain that I once attempted to keep a makeshift accounting, possibly of the months but surely at least of the seasons. But I do not even remember any longer when it was that I understood I had already long since lost track.
Still, I believe I was soon going to be forty, back when all of this began.
How I left those messages was with white paint. In huge block letters, at intersections, where anybody coming or going would see.
I burned artifacts and certain other objects when I was at the Metropolitan Museum too, naturally.
Well, I had a fire there perpetually, winters.
That fire was different from the fire I had at the Louvre. Where I built the fire in the Metropolitan was in that great hall, just where one goes in and out.
As a matter of fact I manufactured a high tin chimney above it, too. So that the smoke could drift to the skylights high above that.
What I had to do was shoot holes in the skylight, once I had constructed the chimney.
I did that with a pistol, quite carefully, at an angle from one of the balconies, so that the smoke would go out but the rain would not come in.
Rain came in. Not much rain, but some.
Well, eventually it came in through other windows as well, when those broke of themselves. Or of the weather.
Windows break still. Several are broken here, in this house.
It is summer at present, however. Nor do I mind the rain.
Upstairs, one can see the ocean. Down here there are dunes, which obstruct one's view.
Actually this is my second house on this same beach. The first, I burned to the ground. I am still not certain how that happened, though perhaps I had been cooking. For a moment I walked to the dunes to urinate, and when I looked back everything was ablaze.
These beach houses are all wood, of course. All I could do was sit at the dunes and watch it burn. It burned all night.
I still notice the burned house, mornings, when I walk along the beach.
Well, obviously I do not notice the house. What I notice is what remains of the house.
One is still prone to think of a house as a house, however, even if there is not remarkably much left of it.