“A door,” Eddie said. “Maybe they came through one of those special doors.”
“Bingo,” Susannah said. She held her hand out, palm up, and Eddie slapped it.
“In any case, what he suggests is not bad advice,” Roland said. “I urge you to consider it most seriously. And if you want to go back to your world, I will allow you to go.”
“Roland, I can’t believe you,” Eddie said. “This, after you dragged me and Suze over here, kicking and screaming? You know what my brother would say about you? That you’re as contrary as a hog on ice-skates.”
“I did what I did before I learned to know you as friends,” Roland said. “Before I learned to love you as I loved Alain and Cuthbert. And before I was forced to… to revisit certain scenes. Doing that has…” He paused, looking down at his feet (he had put his old boots back on again) and thinking hard. At last he looked up again. “There was a part of me that hadn’t moved or spoken in a good many years. 1 thought it was dead. It isn’t. I have learned to love again, and I’m aware that this is probably my last chance to love. I’m slow-Vannay and Cort knew that; so did my father-but I’m not stupid.”
“Then don’t act that way,” Eddie said. “Or treat us as if we were.”
“What you call 'the bottom line,' Eddie, is this: I get my friends killed. And I’m not sure I can even risk doing that again. Jake especially… I… never mind. I don’t have the words. For the first time since I turned around in a dark room and killed my mother, I may have found something more important than the Tower. Leave it at that.”
“All right, I guess I can respect that.”
“So can I,” Susannah said, “but Eddie’s right about ka.” She took the note and ran a finger over it thoughtfully. “Roland, you can’t talk about that-ka, I mean-then turn around and take it back again, just because you get a little low on willpower and dedication.”
“Willpower and dedication are good words,” Roland remarked. “There’s a bad one, though, that means the same thing. That one is obsession.”
She shrugged it away with an impatient twitch of her shoulders. “Sugarpie, either this whole business is ka, or none of it is. And scary as ka might be-the idea of fate with eagle eyes and a bloodhound’s nose- I find the idea of no ka even scarier.” She tossed the R.F. note aside on the matted grass.
“Whatever you call it, you’re just as dead if it runs you over,” Roland said. “Rimer… Thorin… Jonas… my mother… Cuthbert… Susan. Just ask them. Any of them. If you only could.”
“You’re missing the biggest part of this,” Eddie said. “You can’t send us back. Don’t you realize that, you big galoot? Even if there was a door, we wouldn’t go through it. Am I wrong about that?”
He looked at Jake and Susannah. They shook their heads. Even Oy shook his head. No, he wasn’t wrong.
“We’ve changed,” Eddie said. “We…” Now he was the one who didn’t know how to go on. How to express his need to see the Tower… and his other need, just as strong, to go on carrying the gun with the sandal-wood insets. The big iron was how he’d come to think of it. Like in that old Marty Robbins song about the man with the big iron on his hip. “It’s ka,” he said. It was all he could think of that was big enough to cover it.
“Kaka,” Roland replied, after a moment’s consideration. The three of them stared at him, mouths open. Roland of Gilead had made a joke.
4
“There’s one thing I don’t understand about what we saw,” Susannah said hesitantly. “Why did your mother hide behind that drape when you came in, Roland? Did she mean to…” She bit her lip, then brought it out. “Did she mean to kill you?”
“If she’d meant to kill me, she wouldn’t have chosen a belt as her weapon. The very fact that she had made me a present-and that’s what it was, it had my initials woven into it-suggests that she meant to ask my forgiveness. That she had had a change of heart.”
Is that what you know, or only what you want to believe? Eddie thought. It was a question he would never ask. Roland had been tested enough, had won their way back to the Path of the Beam by reliving that terrible final visit to his mother’s apartment, and that was enough.
“I think she hid because she was ashamed,” the gunslinger said. “Or because she needed a moment to think of what to say to me. Of how to explain.”
“And the ball?” Susannah asked him gently. “Was it on the vanity table, where we saw it? And did she steal it from your father?”
“Yes to both,” Roland said. “Although… did she steal it?” He seemed to ask this question of himself. “My father knew a great many things, but he sometimes kept what he knew to himself.”
“Like him knowing that your mother and Marten were seeing each other,” Susannah said.
“Yes.”
“But, Roland… you surely don’t believe that your father would knowingly have allowed you to… to…”
Roland looked at her with large, haunted eyes. His tears had gone, but when he tried to smile at her question, he was unable. “Have knowingly allowed his son to kill his wife?” he asked. “No, I can’t say that. Much as I’d like to, I can’t. That he should have caused such a thing to have happened, to have deliberately set it in motion, like a man playing Castles… that I cannot believe. But would he allow ka to run its course? Aye, most certainly.”
“What happened to the ball?” Jake asked.
“I don’t know. I fainted. When I awoke, my mother and 1 were still alone, one dead and one alive. No one had come to the sound of the shots-the walls of that place were thick stone, and that wing mostly empty as well. Her blood had dried. The belt she’d made me was covered with it, but I took it, and I put it on. I wore that bloodstained gift for many years, and how I lost it is a tale for another day-I’ll tell it to you before we have done, for it bears on my quest for the Tower.
“But although no one had come to investigate the gunshots, someone had come for another reason. While I lay fainted away by my mother’s corpse, that someone came in and took the wizard’s glass away.”
“Rhea?” Eddie asked.
“I doubt she was so close in her body… but she had a way of making friends, that one. Aye, a way of making friends. I saw her again, you know.” Roland explained no further, but a stony gleam arose in his eyes. Eddie had seen it before, and knew it meant killing.
Jake had retrieved the note from R.F. and now gestured at the little drawing beneath the message. “Do you know what this means?”
“I have an idea it’s the sigul of a place I saw when I first travelled in the wizard’s glass. The land called Thunderclap.” He looked around at them, one by one. “I think it’s there that we’ll meet this man-this thing-named Flagg again.”
Roland looked back the way they had come, sleepwalking in their fine red shoes. “The Kansas we came through was his Kansas, and the plague that emptied out that land was his plague. At least, that’s what I believe.”
“But it might not stay there,” Susannah said.
“It could travel,” Eddie said.
“To our world,” Jake said.
Still looking back toward the Green Palace, Roland said: “To your world, or any other.”
“Who’s the Crimson King?” Susannah asked abruptly.
“Susannah, I know not.”
They were quiet, then, watching Roland look toward the palace where he had faced a false wizard and a true memory and somehow opened the door back to his own world by so doing.
Our world, Eddie thought, slipping an arm around Susannah. Our world now. If we go back to America, and perhaps we’ll have to before this is over, we’ll arrive as strangers in a strange land, no matter what when it is. This is our world now. The world of the Beams, and the Guardians, and the Dark Tower.