He shook his head. It was so simple for her. And so hard for him. “I’m a violent man.”
“You are also a man sickened by violence. A man triggered by violence to violence. Do you suppose I am so different? If I saw a mugging in progress, do you mink I would turn away?
If I were attacked, wouldn’t I defend myself? Wizard, there is only one rule about violence. Do whatever you must do to make it stop.“
He was so far beyond what she could imagine. It made her seem vulnerable and young as be told her, “I can’t agree with that.”
“I can’t make you. I can’t force you to believe that the magic hasn’t deserted you, either. And because of that, you just may the.”
His eyes snapped to her face. She suddenly looked very old. He crossed the room to her and sat at her feet, looking up at her. There was something in her eyes he knew. “Were you in Viet Nam?” he asked suddenly.
“My friend, I have been in them all since the wooden horse was dragged into Troy. They haven’t unproved them any.”
“Viet Nam was the worst.”
“It was different,” she agreed. She leaned her cheek on her fist and looked at him sadly. “Do you know, since I met you, I haven’t eaten a pigeon.”
He was touched. “Don’t look so sad. I feel like you’re saying last words to me. I’ve listened to you, I really have- I’m going to go back and get it all straightened out. It’s going to be alt right.”
“Fool,” she said fondly. “The time I can shelter you here is ticking away. Then I must put you out, back into the streets.
And Mir will have you. Tonight. This is the night it takes you away.“
“I’m not ready.” His mouth was dry. “You threw away your weapons to pretend there was no war.”
“Cassie, what am I going to do?”
“You’re going to get yourself killed. And maybe take down the rest of us as well.” She slid forward off her chair to sit on the floor beside him. “Why didn’t I ever see what a child you are?”
“I’m not.”
“You don’t think so, perhaps.” Her fingers traced the pattern on the nig. “But when did you really have the chance to grow up? You were just a kid when they took you. And when you came back, you were older than God, but without the wisdom.
Only the knowing. Not adults, but wizards. You and Rasputin and Euripides. The difference is they found themselves sooner, and have put in enough time to do some growing. You’re not going to have the chance.“
Her words were chilling. He wrapped himself in bravado, leaning back against her chair as he spoke. “And just what makes you so different, then?” ‘
“Me? I remember the befores.” Soft as a challenge, those words.
A silence fell. Meaning hummed in me words sinking into the quiet, but Wizard could not quite extract it. He only knew it had immense importance to him. It dangled tantalizingly out of his reach. There were only Cassie’s eyes begging him to pick up on it. He shook his head at her. “So what should I do?”
“Pick up your weapons. Call out the allies you’ve groomed for this battle. Stop pretending that you’ve been pretending.”
She was talking in riddles. Despair washed over him. “ don’t know how. I don’t know what you mean. I don’t know what you want me to do.”
‘The I-Don’t-Know Wizard.“ There was no mockery in her voice. She leaned forward to put her hand against his cheek.
The touch of her skin against his tingled, like an exchange of electricity. It was both heady and familiar. Yet he could not recall that she had ever touched him before. He found himself leaning into it. moving his face against her hand.
“Why can’t you just tell me?” he begged in frustration, and was surprised at his own words.
“I’ve tried, in every way that I’m allowed. Don’t you think ay magic has its own rules?” A fierce edge to her voice.
That stopped him cold. “Oh. Then there’s nothing left but for it to happen. I suppose I should leave now.”
“I suppose.” Her hand fell from his face. She picked up both of his hands in hers and looked at them, as if marveling at their emptiness. A tear fell into his hand and the wet touch galvanized him.
“Don’t. Please, don’t. I never wanted to make you sad.”
“You never wanted to make me anything!” she accused suddenly in an anguished voice. She pushed suddenly into his arms and he found himself holding her. She smelled like spices, ginger and vanilla. Closing his eyes, he pulled her closer. She pressed her face into the side of his neck and her arms clung to him. Startled, he loosened his hold. She didn’t. He patted her awkwardly. Her voice came from the hollow of his shoulder, sounding below his ear. “Do you remember the first story ever told you?”
He cast his mind back. “No. There have been so many.
Wait—about a little girl in a garden“
He felt her nod. It rubbed wetness against his neck. He sighed and pulled her in close again.
“That’s all you remember of it. You don’t remember the rules she was given,” She probed hopelessly.
“Not really.” So long ago, and it had seemed like a pointless little story at the time. Her breath caught raggedly as he admitted his lack of memory. Could it have been that important to her?
“They were all about giving and taking,” he hedged. “She couldn’t take what she wanted most because it wasn’t offered to her.”
“Until it was freely offered. Not that it makes any difference now.”
“And she couldn’t offer anything…”
“She could offer…” Cassie hissed angrily.
“Right,” he amended. “She could offer, but she couldn’t give, because…”
“Because no one wanted it.” She pushed away from him abruptly, but he caught at her wrist and dragged her back down to his side.
“Because someone was too stupid to know what was being offered. And too scared to accept it. And too afraid of what might come of it if he did; afraid of himself.”
Her eyes met his, stubbornly hurt. Refusing all comfort that he offered now, too late.
“Cassie,” he said brokenly. “I never meant to refuse what you offered. I didn’t realize it. Or maybe I did, I suppose, but it was forbidden to me. I don’t do—”
“Yes, you do!” she replied fiercely. “You just refuse to enjoy it. Or to do it with me!”
“It’s not safe to be with me.”
“Nothing is safe anymore. And me time is gone.” She began untangling herself from him. The finality of her words slapped him. The feel of Cassie moving away from him was more grievous than the departure of his magic. As she rose, he clutched at her hand.
“Cassie. Come back.”
She turned to his words, her face strangely uncertain. Wistful. She looked down at him. “You don’t remember the garden at all,” she said sadly.
He was confused. “Not the whole story, but—”
“Never mind,” she said abruptly. For a long moment she stood stiffly apart from him. Colder than frozen. Then she turned to look at him, and a sudden smile flooded her face. A decision had been reached in her mind and her face mirrored it. She came back to him and he rose to take her in his arms.
She was trembling.
“Are you scared?” he asked her.
“Not as scared as you are. And it’s not you I’m scared of.”
She was right. He held her and as she put her arms around him, he felt her magic wrap them both like a mantle. Within that shelter, all was safe and right. Her breathing became slow and steady as the sea swells, calming them both. He closed his eyes. This was right.
And more than right, her magic promised. It was the pathway back to where a touching was not a hurting. It was the missing arc of the circle that took him back to an unspoiled beginning. To a garden on a summer day, with bees buzzing in honeysuckle on the garden wall.