"You're looking at her, aren't you?" asked Dee Dee.
"I can't stop."
"She's a slut."
"Sure."
The slut got up and played pinball, wiggling her behind to help the balls fall in. Then she sat back down, showing more than ever.
The seaplane came in, unloaded, and then we stood out on the dock and waited to board. The seaplane was red, of 1936 vintage, had two propellers, one pilot and 8 or 10 seats.
If I don't puke in that thing, I thought, I will have fooled the world.
The girl in the mini-skirt wasn't getting on.
Why was it that every time you saw a woman like that you were always with another woman?
We got on, strapped ourselves in.
"Oh," said Dee Dee, "I'm so excited! I'm going up and sit with the pilot!"
"O.K."
So we took off and Dee Dee was up there sitting with the pilot. I could see her talking away. She did enjoy life or she appeared to. Lately it didn't mean much to me-I mean her excited and happy reaction to life-it irritated me somewhat, but mostly it left me without feeling. It didn't even bore me.
We flew and we landed, the landing was rough, we swung low along some cliffs and bounced and the spray went up. It was something like being in a speed boat. Then we taxied to another dock and Dee Dee came back and told me all about the seaplane and the pilot, and the conversation. There was a big piece cut out of the floor up there, and she'd asked the pilot, "Is this thing safe?" and he had answered, "Damned if I know."
Dee Dee had gotten us a hotel room right on the shore, on the top floor. There was no refrigeration so she got a plastic tub and packed ice in it for my beer. There was a black and white t. v. and a bathroom. Class.
We went for a walk along the shore. The tourists were of two types-either very young or very old. The old walked about in pairs, man and woman, in their sandals and dark shades and straw hats and walking shorts and wildly-colored shirts. They were fat and pale with blue veins in their legs and their faces were puffed and white in the sun. They sagged everywhere, folds and pouches of skin hung from their cheekbones and under their jowls.
The young were slim, and seemed made of smooth rubber. The girls had no breasts and tiny behinds and the boys had tender soft faces and grinned and blushed and laughed. But they all seemed contented, young high school people and old people. There was very little for them to do, but they lounged in the sun and seemed fulfilled.
Dee Dee went into the shops. She was delighted with the shops, buying beads, ashtrays, toy dogs, postcards, necklaces, figurines, and seemed happy with everything. "Oooh, look!" She talked to the shop owners. She seemed to like them. She promised one lady that she would write when she got back to the mainland. They had a mutual friend-a man who played percussion in a rock band.
Dee Dee bought a cage with two love birds and we went back to the hotel. I opened a beer and turned on the t.v. The selection was limited.
"Let's go for another walk," said Dee Dee. "It's so lovely outside."
"I'm going to sit here and rest," I said.
"You don't mind if I go without you?"
"It's all right."
She kissed me and left. I turned off the t.v. and opened another beer. Nothing to do on this island but get drunk. I walked to the window. On the beach below Dee Dee was sitting next to a young man, talking happily, smiling and gesturing with her hands. The young man grinned back. It felt good not to be part of that sort of thing. I was glad I wasn't in love, that I wasn't happy with the world. I like being at odds with everything. People in love often become edgy, dangerous. They lose their sense of perspective.
They lose their sense of humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores. They even become killers.
Dee Dee was gone 2 or 3 hours. I looked at some t. v. and typed 2 or 3 poems on a portable typer. Love poems-about Lydia. I hid them in my suitcase. I drank some more beer.
Then Dee Dee knocked and entered. "Oh, I had the most wonderful time! First I went on the glass-bottom boat. We could see all the different fish in the sea, everything! Then I found another boat that takes people out to where their boats are moored. This young man let me ride for hours for a dollar! His back was sunburned and I rubbed it with lotion. He was terribly burned. We took people out to their boats. And you should have seen the people on those boats! Mostly old men, craggy old men, with young girls. The young girls all wore boots and were drunk and on dope, strung-out, moaning. Some of the old guys had young boys, but most of them had young girls, sometimes two or three or four young girls. Every boat stank of dope and booze and lechery. It was wonderful!"
"That does sound good. I wish I had your knack of turning up interesting people."
"You can go tomorrow. You can ride all day for a dollar."
"I'll pass."
"Did you write today?"
"A little."
"Was it good?"
"You never know until 18 days later."
Dee Dee went over and looked at the love birds, talked to them. She was a good woman. I liked her. She was really concerned about me, she wanted me to do well, she wanted me to write well, she wanted me to fuck well, look well. I could feel it. It was fine. Maybe we could fly to Hawaii together some day. I walked up behind her and kissed her on the right ear, down by the lobe.
"Oh, Hank," she said.
Back in L.A., after our week in Catalina, we were sitting around my place one evening, which was unusual. It was late at night. We were lying on my bed, naked, when the phone rang in the next room.
It was Lydia.
"Hank?"
"Yes?"
"Where've you been?"
"Catalina."
"With her?"
"Yes."
"Listen, after you told me about her I got mad. I had an affair. It was with a homosexual. It was awful."
"I've missed you, Lydia."
"I want to come back to L.A. "
"That'd be good."
"If I come back will you give her up?"
"She's a good woman, but if you come back I'll give her up."
"I'm coming back. I love you, old man."
"I love you too."
We went on talking. I don't know how long we talked. When it was over I walked back into the bedroom. Dee Dee seemed asleep. "Dee Dee?" I asked. I lifted one of her arms. It felt very limp. The flesh felt like rubber. "Stop joking, Dee Dee, I know you're not asleep." She didn't move. I looked around and noticed her bottle of sleeping pills was empty. It had been full. I had tried those pills. Just one of them put you to sleep, only it was more like being knocked out and buried underground.
"You took the pills…"
"I… don't… care… you're going back to her… I don't… care…"
I ran into the kitchen and got the dishpan, came back and placed it on the floor by the bed. Then I pulled Dee Dee's head and shoulders over the edge and stuck my fingers down her throat. She vomited. I lifted her up and let her breathe a moment, then repeated the process. I did it again and again. Dee Dee kept vomiting. Once, as I lifted her up, her teeth popped out. They lay there on the sheet, uppers and lowers.
"Oooh… my teeth," she said. Or tried to say.
"Don't worry about your teeth."
I stuck my fingers down her throat again. Then I pulled her back.
"I don'," she said, "wans ya to seee my teethhhs…"
"They're all right, Dee Dee. They're really not bad."
"Ooooh…"
She revived long enough to put her teeth back in. "Take me home," she said, "I want to go home."
"I'll stay with you. I won't leave you alone tonight." "But you will leave me, finally?" "Let's get dressed," I said.
Valentino would have kept both Lydia and Dee Dee. That's why he died so young.
20
Lydia returned and found a nice apartment in the Burbank area. She seemed to care a lot more for me than before we parted. "My husband had this big cock and that's all he had. He had no personality, no vibes. Just a big cock and he thought that was all he had to have. But Christ he was dull! With you, I keep getting vibes… this electric feedback, it never stops." We were on the bed together.