"She made me go to college."
"And that's terrible?"
"It wasn't the kind of college you're thinking of. She was the faculty, and I was the student body."
"What happened to her?"
"I buried her."
"With honors? Did you kill her?"
"Booze killed her."
"Merry Christmas."
"Sure. Tell me about yours."
"I pass."
"Too many?"
"Too many, yet too few."
Thirty or 40 minutes later there was a knock on the door. Sara got up and opened it. A sex symbol walked in. On Christmas Eve. I didn't know who she was. She was in a tight black outfit and her huge breasts looked as if they would burst out of the top of her dress. It was magnificent. I had never seen breasts like that, showcased in just that way, except in the movies.
"Hi, Hank!"
She knew me.
"I'm Edie. You met me at Bobby's one night."
"Oh?"
"Were you too drunk to remember?"
"Hello, Edie. This is Sara."
"I was looking for Bobby. I thought Bobby might be down here."
"Sit down and have a drink."
Edie sat in a chair to my right, very near to me. She was about 25. She lit a cigarette and sipped at her drink. Each time she leaned forward over the coffee table I was sure that it would happen, I was sure that those breasts would spring out. And I was afraid of what I might do if they did. I just didn't know. I had never been a breast man, I had always been a leg man. But Edie really knew how to do it. I was afraid and I peeked sideways at her breasts not knowing whether I wanted them to fall out or to stay in.
"You met Manny," she said to me, "down at Bobby's?"
"Yeh."
"I had to kick his ass out. He was too fucking jealous. He even hired a private dick to follow me! Imagine that! That simple sack of shit!"
"Yeh."
"I hate men who are beggars! I hate little toadies!"
'"A good man nowadays is hard to find,'" I said. "That's a song. Out of World War Two. They also had, 'Don't sit under the apple tree with anybody else but me.'"
"Hank, you're babbling…" said Sara.
"Have another drink, Edie," I said and I poured her one.
"Men are such shits!" she continued. "I walked into a bar the other day. I was with four guys, close friends. We sat around chugalugging pitchers of beer, we're laughing, you know, just having a good time, we weren't bothering anybody. Then I got the idea that I would like to shoot a game of pool. I like to shoot pool. I think that when a lady shoots pool it shows her class."
"I can't shoot pool," I said. "I always rip up the green. And I'm not even a lady."
"Anyway, I go up to the table and there's this guy shooting pool all by himself. I go up to him and I say, 'Look, you've had this table a long time. My friends and myself want to shoot a little pool. Do you mind letting us have the table for a while?' He turned and looked at me. He waited. Then he sneered, and he said, 'All right.'"
Edie became animated and bounced around as she spoke and I peeked at her things.
"I went back and told my friends, 'We got the table.' Finally this guy shooting is down to his last ball when a buddy of his walks up and says, 'Hey, Ernie, I hear you're giving up the table.' And you know what he tells this guy? He says, 'Yeah, I'm giving it up to that bitch!' I heard it and I saw RED! This guy is bent over the table to cue in on his last ball. I grabbed a pool stick and while he was bent over I hit him over the head as hard as I could. The guy dropped on the table like he was dead. He was known in the bar and so a bunch of his friends rush over but meanwhile my four buddies rush over too. Boy, what a brawl! Bottles smashing, broken mirrors… I don't know how we got out of there but we did. You got some shit?"
"Yeah but I don't roll too good."
"I'll take care of it."
Edie rolled a tight thin joint, just like a pro. She sucked it up, hissing, then passed it to me.
"So I went back the next night, alone. The owner who is the bartender, he recognizes me. His name is Claude. 'Claude,' I told him, 'I'm sorry about yesterday but that guy at the table was a real bastard. He called me a bitch.'"
I poured more drinks all around. In another minute her breasts would be out.
"The owner said, 'It's O.K., forget it.' He seemed like a nice guy. 'What do you drink?' he asked me. I hung around the bar and had two or three free drinks and he said, 'You know, I can use another waitress.'"
Edie took a hit on the joint and continued. "He told me about the other waitress. 'She pulled the men in but she made a lot of trouble. She played one guy against the other. She was always on stage. Then I found out she was tricking on the side. She was using MY place to peddle her pussy!'"
"Really?" Sara asked.
"That's what he said. Anyhow, he offered me a position as a waitress. And he said, 'No tricking on the job!' I told him to cut the shit, I wasn't one of those. I thought maybe now I'll be able to save some money and go to U.C.L. A., to become a chemist and to study French, that's what I've always wanted to do. Then he said, 'Come on back here, I want to show you where we store our excess stock and also I've got an outfit I'd like you to try on. It's never been worn and I think it's your size.' So I went into this dark little room with him and he tried to grab me. I pushed him off. Then he said, 'Just give me a little kiss.' 'Fuck off!' I told him. He was bald and fat and very short and had false teeth and black warts with hairs growing out of them on his cheeks. He rushed me and grabbed a hunk of my ass with one hand and some titty with the other and he tried to kiss me. I pushed him off again. 'I got a wife,' he said, 'I love my wife, don't worry!' He rushed me again and I gave him a knee you-know-where. I guess he didn't have anything there, he didn't even flinch. 'I'll give you money,' he said, 'I'll be nice to you!' I told him to eat shit and die. And so I lost another job."
"That is a sad story," I said.
"Listen," said Edie, "I gotta go. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the drinks."
She got up and I walked her to the door, opened it. She walked off through the court. I came back and sat down.
"You son-of-a-bitch," said Sara.
"What is it?"
"If I hadn't been here you would have fucked her."
"I hardly know the lady."
"All that tit! You were terrified! You were afraid to even look at her!"
"What's she doing wandering around on Christmas Eve?"
"Why didn't you ask her?"
"She said she was looking for Bobby."
"If I hadn't been here you would have fucked her."
"I don't know. I have no way of knowing…"
Then Sara stood up and screamed. She began to sob and then she ran into the other room. I poured a drink. The colored lights on the walls blinked off and on.
99
Sara was preparing the turkey dressing and I sat in the kitchen talking to her. We were both sipping white wine.
The phone rang. I went and got it. It was Debra. "I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, wet noodle."
"Thank you, Debra. And a happy Santa Claus to you."
We talked awhile, then I went back and sat down.
"Who was that?"
"Debra."
"How is she?"
"All right, I guess."
"What did she want?"
"She sent Christmas greetings."
"You'll like this organic turkey, and the stuffing is good too. People eat poison, pure poison. America is one of the few countries where cancer of the colon is prevalent."
"Yeah, my ass itches a lot, but it's just my hemorrhoids. I had them cut out once. Before they operate they run this snake up your intestine with a little light attached and they peek into you looking for cancer. That snake is pretty long. They just run it up you!"