“My question is why don’t you do it yourself?” Tom proposed. “I see you’re ready to kill for your cause.”
The impact of Tom’s words twitched every pore of Fabiola’s face. He thought he even saw her hand tremble. The White Queen seemed to have developed a certain affection for Alice. That’s what this really was about. Fabiola’s weakness was now her affection for a Bad Alice.
Damn that Pillar, Tom thought. The man is a genius. Why not, when Tom couldn’t yet figure out how the Pillar entered and left his cell with no one ever knowing how?
Fabiola dropped her sword. “I hate you,” she said.
“Come again?” Tom said.
“I hate you for making me love someone so bad.”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” Tom said. “Are you sure you’re talking to me?”
“Of course I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the Pillar, wherever he is.”
Chapter 77
THE PAST: BUS STATION, OXFORD
Jack surprises me, returning within seconds. He is still holding his stomach but stands next to me in the station. “I think I can take the pain,” he says. “I know how much the trip means to you.”
I don’t give a damn. It’s good that he is back. I grip his hand tighter so I don’t lose him this time. I don’t even thank him.
“What happened to your professor?” He points at the girls gathering around the Pillar, making sure he is all right.
“Don’t bother,” I tell Jack, then I turn to the girls. “Hey, you don’t want to miss the bus. Come over here.”
One of them swears at me, describing how cruel I am. As if I care. The rest of the girls are too naive to comment or get back at me. Frankly, all I see is jealousy. They’re jealous of Jack’s devotion to me. How I managed to make him love me, I can’t remember.
Across the street, the Queen’s limousine still waits. The Reds are in every corner, watching me. Even Lorina and Edith are standing by the curb. Why hasn’t the bus arrived yet?
Don’t do it, Alice. The nagging voice arises again. You can change the future for the better. You can still purge your sins.
I want to kill that stupid girl inside me, but don’t have an idea how. But it doesn’t matter; soon enough the bus will arrive and we’ll get this over with. I’m in control. The Bad Alice is in control.
No you aren’t, the nagging voice says. You really aren’t.
The nagging voice is too confident this time. I wonder why. It scares me. Why is my good side so confident I will fail?
Look at him, it says. Just look at him.
Look at whom? I tilt my head and stare at Jack. He is still aching, but he’s nothing but a ring on my finger now. I’ll tell him where to go and what to do. Not him, the voice says. But him.
Who? I look left and right, panicking. Is the Good Alice trying to play games with my mind?
There is no one here that can change my mind. No one.
I keep repeating this to myself… until I see him.
Not Jack, but the boy the Good Alice is pointing at. A boy who is going to change my life. How? I’m not sure.
I find myself staring at a boy wearing an exquisite black hat. He is standing across the street. He has a confident and rough attitude about him, but that’s not what attracts me. I know him.
I know him in the strangest ways.
It’s not even logical that I recognize him. But I do. I can’t forget the voice of the man I’m going to marry in the future. Did you wake up, baby? I remember him saying when I was in the future in the Wonderland Compound.
I’m staring at the boy I don’t know but will change my life.
But even so, the Bad Alice in me is still stubborn enough to complete her mission. I am still determined to kill everyone on the bus. Who said I have to marry this boy in the future? Who said he has an influence on me?
You really don’t get it. The nagging voice is laughing at me now. Wait until he crosses over to the bus station. You’re toast. The Good Alice will win. It’s going to be painful, but I will win.
The boy does cross the street. And with every closer look at him, I begin to understand how the Good Alice will win.
Again, in the strangest ways.
With each step closer, I see the boy in a very different way. I recognize him and relate to him — although I’ve never seen him before — in the most emotional ways.
It’s in his eyes. It’s in his cheeks. In his walk. It’s in my children I see through him.
I gasp, noticing Lily has his eyes. Tiger has his pompous and manly walk. Lily has his cheekbones. Tiger has his pursed-lipped smile. I can go on forever.
Chapter 78
Unconsciously, I let go of Jack’s hands. It’s illogical. Unexplainable. As mad as love is. The Good Alice surfaces.
Whether I’m going to marry this boy or really have his children in the future, only one thing matters now. I’m myself again. The self I choose to be, not what Black Chess wants me to be. Jack has to live. So do the girls on the bus.
“Something wrong, Alice?” Jack asks me.
I fill my eyes with his gorgeous face. I want to tell him that he is going to live. I want to tell him that I’m okay. Everything is going to be all right.
But he wouldn’t understand. His love for me is too strong.
Not only do I know that from my feelings, or the way he came back from dead for me, but from what happens to the Cheshire in the future. Jack’s love for me is so strong it will soften the cat’s heart.
Which means Jack will never let go of me in the future.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jack’s eyes sparkle.
I know why. Because I know Jack will never stop loving me. And even if I stop him from getting on the bus today, even if I don’t kill him, he will never be safe around me. Who guarantees I don’t turn into the Bad Alice five minutes from now? And if not, Jack could be easily hurt in the future, whether by the Cheshire or anyone else.
I know why I’m staring this way at him. Because it’s the last time I will be staring at him so lovingly. The last time he will love me at all.
Slowly I turn away from Jack, unable to imagine how he is going to feel a minute from now. True, I won’t kill him. But I will do worse. I will make him not love me again.
Stepping ahead, I wave at my future husband, the pompous boy, and wrap my arms around him.
The boy welcomes me. Either because he is used to girls doing this to him, or because it’s just fate we can’t change. I pull his head closer to me and kiss him. The boy kisses me back, and I start to make out with him in the craziest ways.
I am so blunt about it, it looks like I do this a lot. Hisses saturate the air around us. Girls gasp, others whisper, and Jack… I have no idea what’s happening to him.
A tear threatens to squeeze out of my eye. But I lock it in. Jack has to believe I mean this. And the boy, well, he is enjoying this a lot.
Images of Tiger and Lily flash before my eyes. Maybe I am not going to marry the one I love, but the one whose children I will love.
After the kiss, and the incredible scene I made, I slowly catch Jack’s reaction from the corner of my eye.
Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry.
Jack is simply dying in front of my eyes. The damage is done. Mission accomplished. Everyone lives happily ever after, except Jack.
Chapter 79
THE PRESENT: THE PILLAR’S LIMOUSINE, OUTSIDE THE INKLINGS, OXFORD