"That was what made me leave. To him, I was never the child he wanted, could never be the daughter he expected me to be, and after the whipping, I was obviously no better than a petty thief. I waited until my back healed, then I cut my hair, got a couple of suits of boys clothing and jumped ship for Philadelphia, working as a mess lad. My choices were limited; I had few skills. I could be the world’s ugliest prostitute or I could pass as a man and go in the army. With the troubles in Mexico brewing, the army seemed the better choice."
"In January of 1846, President Polk declared war on Mexico. By the end of the month, I had enlisted in the Army in Philadelphia. After some basic training, I was on my way west, to join the ranks of cannon fodder. After that, I got lucky."
Charlie lay there, still and quiet. But Rebecca could hear his heart pounding. The pain that had driven her to become Charlie instead of Charlotte, the agony of betrayal by her own father, and the unending feeling of inadequacy were written on Charlie’s face and, Rebecca realized, on her beloved’s soul. She did not know where to begin to heal such a deep wound of the soul, or if she had the means to do so, but in that quiet moment, she swore in her heart to try.
--*--
Wednesday, November 23, 1864
Charlie looked between the two women, who were laughing and obviously enjoying each other’s company very much. This morning, the good Colonel felt very out of place at the breakfast table and, being a career soldier, he knew when a tactical retreat was in order. He took the last drink of his coffee and placed his napkin on the table.
"Well, ladies if you will excuse me I have a meeting to get ready for." He stood, waiting to be excused.
Rebecca nodded with a smile and Elizabeth merely grinned. She found this whole thing extremely amusing. She could see she had her work cut out for her here and it was more than just taking care of the sick and wounded.
Once Charlie was gone, Elizabeth could not resist any longer, especially after watching Rebecca watch Charlie walk out of the room. The doctor could not help but chuckle. Rebecca looked at her quizzically.
"Oh, Charlie - he is such a gentleman. And he has absolutely no inkling of the impact he has on others."
"You are very right, Doctor. I can never seem to get him to accept credit for his good deeds and kind heart."
"My dear, I suspect he may be allowing you to see more than most. He is without doubt the most private person I have ever met."
"Not that you can blame him. He has to be very careful. If someone were out to hurt him that is all it would take."
"That is certainly true. I must confess, Charlie confuses even me at times, and I think I know more about people like him than most."
"Like him?" Rebecca hoped the good doctor would enlighten her. Maybe it would help clear up some of her own confusion to understand Charlie a bit better.
"You must know that there are all kinds of people in the world, Rebecca. Most follow the traditional path of man and woman. Others prefer the company of their own gender, and still others seem to have been born into the wrong bodies, and have the characteristics of one of the opposite gender. This has been true throughout all history, though not often spoken of."
"And how would you think of Charlie? I mean is not a matter of circumstance that has made Charlie what he is? Could not he, well, change? I mean if he were to leave the Army and start over again. Please help me to understand. There are so many things……" She dropped her eyes, sighing deeply and staring into her coffee cup.
"So many things? Perhaps, Rebecca, it would be easier if you just asked me. I think we both care very much for Charlie and he has so few people he can call friend."
Carefully she raised her eyes and looked at the doctor. She could see concern and new friendship looking back at her. "I think I care for Charlie very much." She said quietly.
"And the way you care for him confuses you?" Elizabeth's concern was obvious in the tone of her voice and the open honesty of her face.
"Yes, very much. I look at him and I see everything I need and want, yet I know I should not feel that way."
"When you look at Charlie, who do you see, Rebecca? Do you see the Colonel, the gentleman, or the woman underneath the image? It makes a huge difference, you know. And it probably makes a huge difference in why you think you should not feel the way you do."
"That is just it. I see both. One moment he is the gallant and charming Colonel and the very next minute he is very much a woman. I am so frustrated because I am simply attracted to him, and all of that does not matter to me, but yet there is a voice that keeps telling me that what might be, could never be."
Elizabeth looked at her new friend for a long moment. She felt sure that even if Charlie had not been forced to assume the identity of a man to survive, he still would have sought the love of a woman to complete him. She also suspected that, for Charlie, the years of hiding his real identity, coupled with whatever circumstances had driven him to totally destroy his identity as a woman, had left him believing he would have to be alone for the rest of his life. Rebecca's concerns would only feed Charlie's insecurity.
"Dear lady, I personally do not believe that caring for someone is ever wrong. But I also know that society does not agree with my point of view. You will have to make that decision for yourself, if you have any desire to keep Charlie in your life."
Rebecca laughed at the situation. "Doctor, I believe the community would be far more scandalized if I took a Yankee officer as a lov……uh……well……" She cleared her throat. "I do want Charlie in my life. I mean I understand it has only been a short time, but God help me there is just something about him that is undeniable. Elizabeth, do you believe in love at first sight?"
Elizabeth broke into outright gales of laughter at Rebecca's first sentence. "My dear lady, you are sleeping with the man. The whole camp knows that the Colonel sleeps at the main house, not in his tent. And they all assume that you two are lovers. It was one of the first things I heard about you. I thought it was a case of Charlie doing one of the silly things he does occasionally to try and bolster his masculine image." She looked at the now blushing Rebecca. "There is more here than just Charlie's image, is not there? And I assume that the rumors are not true - but some part of you wishes they were?"
"The rumors are not true. We do sleep together but it is very platonic, I assure you." Rebecca’s brows came together in contemplation. "Unless you consider the fact that I wake up in his arms every morning less than platonic. And I must admit I am having very unusual feelings and dreams since meeting Charlie."
Elizabeth sighed deeply and walked to the window, looking out over the gentle, rolling land. What she saw was not the beautiful land, but the memory of Charlie's face, torn with pain and emptiness on the one occasion when they had talked of relationships and the future - the time after the war. She had seen the look in Charlie's eyes as he looked at this young woman. The amount of pain that her friend might have to face was terrifying. She drew another deep breath. "Rebecca, Charlie is the most honorable person I have ever known. But he was hurt very badly a long time ago and I suspect has never healed from that hurt. Our mutual friend believes that he is fated to be alone in the world. I have never known anyone who more deserved to be loved and was more capable of giving love, but I fear for him. To be honest, I fear for him because of you."