"Me? I would never hurt Charlie." Rebecca felt tears well in her eyes and her heart at the mere thought. "I would never hurt him. I promise you, Elizabeth."
"Rebecca, if you offer your love to Charlie and then find that the opinions of society are more than you can handle, you will hurt him very badly indeed. I am just asking you to be very sure before you do anything. I think Charlie would prefer the company of women no matter what happened in his life. But the circumstances that forced him to give up his true identity have made that even harder for him. Please be gentle with him."
Rebecca nodded her understanding. "I know that. That is why I am so confused. I know I should care what other people think, but when it comes to Charlie, I just cannot. I do not care that his men think we are lovers and I do not care that the entire community of Culpeper is sure that the Colonel and I are carrying on an illicit affair. I enjoy his company and I simple drown in those eyes every time he looks at me. I have never felt anything like this before in my life."
"Rebecca, are you sure you are not just responding to having the company of someone who is charming and attentive and who has eased your loneliness after your husband's death?"
" I know my feeling for Charlie are real; born from caring for him. Does it matter why they have manifested themselves?"
"It may. Many times, I have seen people who have been beaten down by the effects of war and need to affirm the reality of life through passion. If that is the case, then you may find your feelings for Charlie will fade as life returns to something more normal."
"I do not believe that will be the case." She bit her bottom lips, fighting tears. "I love Charlie. I want to be with him. I want him with me."
Elizabeth wrapped her arm around the woman's shoulder. "Rebecca, why are you crying?"
"I am just so confused. I know I love Charlie. I think he cares for me. Why must this be so hard?"
"Sometimes loving someone is very hard, my dear. But loving oneself is often even harder. For both of your sakes, I am asking you to really look. Are you falling in love with Charlie or with the idea of Charlie?
The look she gave Elizabeth was truly confused. She shook her head hoping that would help, but it did not. "I do not understand. What?"
Elizabeth thought for a moment, trying to find the best way to express a rather complicated set of thoughts. She sighed, and then started in on explaining her concerns. "You were married to a gentleman, with position and rank in the society here. The war took that away. It took away your family and it basically took away your home. You have been surviving here, alone for how long?"
"I was married, but he was no gentleman. And my life, such as it was, was over long before the war. Yes, I have been alone a long time, and I am tired of being alone, but I want to share my life with Charlie."
"I hate to ask you this, but what do you really know about Charlie that makes you so sure you want to be with him? Is it possible that it is because he is charming, gentle, courtly - in fact all the things that are written about in the romance novels. In other words, the image of Charlie, that you know he has carefully created, is what attracts you."
Rebecca began to feel utterly defeated. "Perhaps." She said softly. "I could never win Charlie. He needs someone who..." She smiled her bravest smile. "But I will remain his friend and I will continue to see to his comforts as long as he is here."
Elizabeth felt the defeat in the slender shoulders under her arm. "My dear lady, I have not said a word about how Charlie may or may not feel. I am asking about how you feel. I assure you, you are exactly the kind of woman that Charlie finds compellingly attractive." What is going on here? She asked the woman about the genuineness of her feelings for her dear friend Charlie and all of a sudden, she turned into one of the most sadly defeated souls Elizabeth had ever seen.
"Elizabeth, you ask valid questions I can not answer. I love Charlie, why I am not sure but I do. I was a miserable failure as a wife and I am only deluding myself to think I could..." Rebecca wanted to escape and just go have a good cry. She slowly pulled away from the woman. "I promise you. I would never do anything to hurt Charlie."
"Rebecca." Elizabeth's voice was gentle, but commanding. "I do not know what was done to you to make you believe that you were a failure as a wife, but I do see how you care for Charlie - and for all of us here - during very difficult times. I also see his face when he looks at you; when you are in the room; even when someone mentions your name."
"Yes, but maybe it is loneliness, too. He tells me he has been alone for a long time, that he has no one. I am sure after the war, he will find someone..." Rebecca's heart nearly stopped beating at the thought of Charlie not being with her. But she knew Elizabeth was right and she knew that her own failure would only come back to haunt her. Charlie would need a strong woman with a very special outlook to have anything even close to the life he deserved.
"Rebecca, dear lady. I do not think you are a failure, either as a lady or as a wife. You treat Charlie very well indeed. And I am very sure that if he won your heart, you would be a perfect partner for him. I have to confess, I was much more concerned with you finding the, umm, novelty of who Charlie really is to be just that. A novelty. And that the attraction you feel for my friend might pale when the fact of never being able to have children, to have a family of your own became real for you. If your love for him were to fade, I think it would hurt you both very much. I look at him when he thinks no one sees him. I see his face when he looks at you. If you find yourself to be truly in love with Charlie - with the woman as well as the man - I think that you will make him a very happy person."
Elizabeth moved forward and hugged Rebecca again. "My dear, that is as much as anyone can ever ask for. To love and to be allowed to love for who you are, not who you appear to be. Charlie is, without question, the most honorable person I have ever known. He is a gentle and attentive friend, and when you are ready, I think he will be a spectacular lover and husband. I think this is much more a question of whether he can accept your love as being genuine and lasting than it is one of your fear of being inadequate."
"I would do everything in my power to prove that to him, everyday. I do not want you to worry for your friend, although I know you do. Charlie's love is the greatest thing I could have in my life. If given the opportunity I believe we could make a wonderful life for ourselves. But I want Charlie to be with me because he loves me. I could not stand being with another who did not love me."
"I see the love he bears you, dear lady. Longing is painted on his face and burns in his eyes when he looks at you. I suspect he is very afraid of not being enough for you; afraid that you will find a real man who fills your needs more than he can."
"I want no other." She admitted softly. "Charlie makes me feel like no other could. I know the differences between what I have felt before and what I feel now, I am sure I could never feel that way about a 'real' man. Part of my love for Charlie is, that being a woman, she has tenderness and understanding that no man could ever have."
"Then keep exploring how you feel. Go slowly. Be sure. There is nothing about Charlie that is abnormal, just unusual. And very lonely. I thank you for your trust in me, it means a great deal to me, both because I felt an instant affinity for you, my dear, and because I care deeply for Charlie."
"I know." She smiled, slightly embarrassed. "I will admit when I saw you and Charlie together for the first time I felt a great deal of jealousy. May I ask you a personal question, Doctor?"
"Certainly. I cannot imagine getting much more personal than we already have." Elizabeth laughed. "But if you are going to ask me personal questions, please address them to Elizabeth. Dr. Walker must always maintain her air of professional detachment, and I somehow suspect that you do not want that from me."