She did look to him. She smiled, trying not to cry at his kindness. "Charlie, you are the first person to ever tell me that. Is it any wonder you have won my heart?"
He saw the tears threatening to fall, the pain in her eyes. Like a moth drawn to a candle flame, he moved close, gently cupping her chin in his hand. He whispered to her, caught in a moment of awe and longing. The pain burned in his chest. Here was the only cure for the pain that ate his soul away. "Rebecca, dearest lady, you are beautiful. Your face is beautiful, your eyes are as lovely as the new green of spring, and your body draws me so that I want to hold and caress and protect you for the rest of my life. And your heart and soul are pure beauty." He knew that she saw him as a man. He knew that when the reality of loving one such as he was truly sunk home, she would go. He knew that when it did, she would take with her more than his heart. She would take his soul, too.
She placed her hands on his chest, looking at him to try to make him understand her simple words. "I love you, Charlie. And I want to know if you will do something for me."
"I will do anything you ask of me."
"I know what I feel for you is true, Charlie; that I love you. I know what that means and all that goes with it. I need you to trust me, Charlie, to help me, to go slow and easy. I have desires I have never felt before and I find them a bit frightening. I need to learn to deal with them."
Charlie reached up and tentatively cradled Rebecca's shoulders in his hands. On his face was a look that tore at Rebecca's heart. It was the look of a child, lost, wanting so much to please and to be loved, totally bewildered at what to do, and terrified of doing something wrong. "Whatever you need, Rebecca. Whatever you want." She could feel him trembling under her hands.
"Then," She looked down and then back up, a furious blush heating her cheeks. "When we go to bed...would you, would you hold me?"
"I have to confess something. I wake in the night sometimes with you in my arms." Shamed at his own weakness, he lowered his eyes from hers. "I know I should have moved away, but I could not. I could not let you go. Yes, I would very much like to be able to hold you and know that it is what you want." In a much smaller voice, he added. "And I crave the warmth of you."
She smiled, placing a hand gently under his chin to make him look up. "A time for confessions, my dear Charlie. Once I know you are asleep, I roll as close to you as I can get. I crave your warmth and strength, dear Charlie. I feel very safe in your arms."
A shy smile lit his face. "Then you shall have my arms around you for as long as you want them, dear lady."
"Charlie?"
He quirked an inquiring eyebrow at her.
"Let us go to bed."
"Do I have time to change clothes? I am a little overdressed." All of a sudden, Charlie, standing in his uniform, was nervous as a cat.
"Yes of course. I will go and brush my hair. Call me when you are ready." She leaned up on her toes and gave a gentle kiss to his lips then left the room for her sitting room.
Charlie moved quickly to strip himself of his uniform. As he released the binding around his breasts, the voice came back again. The transformation from male to female was once again complete. Ah yes, she does love her strong, gentle Colonel Charlie. But that is not who holds her at night, is it? You are not the person she is falling in love with. She is falling in love with the image you created –– she is falling in love with a fraud. Certainly, you can give her what she thinks she needs for now. Companionship. Comfort. A warm body at night. She has missed these things and you are there and convenient and safe.
And what will she think when you ask for more? When you want her to touch you? When your womanhood is obvious to her hands and eyes? What then?
With a heavy sigh, Charlie washed up at the basin then pulled on her nightshirt. She spent a few moments on purely domestic issues. With a shovel full of hot coals from the fireplace dropped into the warming pan, she carefully heated the sheets to make their bed a warm and comforting space. She fluffed the pillows, and smoothed the sheets, then stepped to the door. "Rebecca?"
The door opened slowly. Rebecca looked to Charlie with a shy smile. Rebecca ran her hand over her hair, which she had been brushing non-stop for the last few minutes. She giggled nervously. "Charlie."
Charlie extended her hand to Rebecca and waited for her to enter.
Rebecca took Charlie’s hand, hoping Charlie would not notice how much her own was shaking. She tried but just could not wipe the silly smile from her face.
A soft, almost bittersweet smile lit Charlie’s features, and she lifted Rebecca’s hand to her lips, whispering a touch of lips over her knuckles. Charlie helped her into the high bed, then banked the fire to burn slow and warm all night, doused all the candles and lamps except for one, and climbed into bed.
Rebecca waited for Charlie to move to her. She did not want to upset Charlie by doing something she would not like. Rebecca felt like a new bride, only this time she was enjoying the feeling and the slight giddiness in her stomach.
Carefully, Charlie moved toward Rebecca, and then gently slipped one arm under her shoulders. "Is this all right with you?"
"It is perfectly all right." Rebecca sighed and cuddled as close as she could. "It is wonderful."
Charlie shifted and drew her tighter against her chest. She buried her face in Rebecca’s hair and savored the unique smell of it, with hints of lavender from her shampoo. A small sound, almost like a whimper, escaped Charlie’s lips.
"Charlie, are you all right?" Rebecca started to pull away. "Should I move? Have you changed your mind?"
"Shhhhh. I am fine." Charlie drew Rebecca gently back to her chest. "Please, do not leave. I... I need to... " Charlie’s voice almost broke. She tried again, in a much smaller voice. "I need to be close to you." Rebecca could feel the tension in her. A fine, subtle tremor quivered through the muscles of Charlie’s body. Charlie could not tell Rebecca that having her in her arms eased that burning hole in her chest, in her soul. That her internal demons warned her that this would not last, that Rebecca would someday walk away. That she was memorizing every moment, every sensation to take out in the future and examine like a cherished prize. That she knew that someday these memories of Rebecca in her arms would be the only thing she had, and that she would use them to both sustain and torture herself for the rest of her life.
Rebecca hummed, getting closer to her. "I love this, Charlie. Love being close to you. Feeling you hold me," she looked up slowly. "Will you do something else for me?"
"Anything." Charlie managed to make her response sound almost normal. It was not easy.
"Kiss me."
Charlie’s eyes fluttered shut. Her breathing stopped for a second. Then she slowly shifted, bringing her body around so that Rebecca rested in the curve of her arm as she held herself above the smaller woman. As she did, Rebecca shifted to slide her arm under Charlie and around her back. With her free hand, Charlie caressed Rebecca’s face then cradled Rebecca’s head in her hand. Charlie lowered her face to Rebecca’s, then very slowly, and very gently, their lips met. It was a dream of a kiss, a reverent salute, sweet and tender and undemanding.
"Hmm," Rebecca moaned, smiling a little. "That was...so nice."
Charlie stayed hovered above Rebecca’s body for a moment. Then she laid her face in the crook of Rebecca’s neck, and wrapped her arm around her waist, pulling her closer still. "Oh, yes."
Rebecca's heart was hammering in her chest and her body was feeling sensations she had never before experienced. "Oh yes." She echoed, her hands running over Charlie’s back.
Charlie felt as if she was suspended halfway between heaven and hell. Rebecca’s touch was like fire. Rebecca’s innocence was a bastion Charlie refused to assault. Nothing had ever felt like having Rebecca in her arms, warm, compliant. Her affection was so tender it brought tears to Charlie’s eyes. The heat from her body ignited Charlie’s core. The knowledge that this would all be taken from her someday beat at Charlie’s soul. She was helpless in Rebecca’s arms.