Happy and safe, Rebecca settled in and closed her eyes to enjoy the security of this moment. Her breathing settled in to the soft, regular rhythm of sleep.
--*--
I lie here, holding this beautiful woman in my arms, my body hungering for more than just holding her. Oh God, dear God. What have I done?
It has been so long, and she feels so soft and sweet. She feels so right in my arms. I want to stay here. I want the damned war to go away. I want this to be real. But tomorrow I will rise, and eventually orders will come and I will have to ride away.
Will I take her heart with me?
I will leave my soul behind.
Dear God. What have I done?
I want to stay. I want to winter here in this beautiful place, with this beautiful woman and pretend that this is not the winter camp of an army at war, but instead a fine horse farm, breeding the most beautiful beasts in the state. A happy home, a place where others may come and be safe.
Please God.
I am so tired. I just want to lie in this lovely soft bed, holding this lovely tender woman and rest. I want to rise in the morning and have it all be real. I want to have a life that is not mud and miles, sweat and stuffy tents, waiting and being afraid, bleeding, death and more mud. Always mud. Sometimes brown, sometimes red with the blood of men and horses, but always mud. What would it be like to have a home, to have the love of a woman like her? But it cannot be, can it?
That hated voice in Charlie’s head spoke into the darkness –– that voice of the proper southern woman, of Charlotte. You gave up any hope of real love, of family, of a normal life that day when you left, did you not Charlie? That day when you killed me.
Charlie is not real, you fool. Charlie is your armor, the place you hide. You can never marry. You cannot raise a family. What woman would want you, Charlie –– really want you? You are no man. You act like one, you talk like one, you dress like one, but take away the title, the clothes and you are not one. When the reality sinks in, she will not want you.
Yes, you are safe. You are worlds better than the men out there who will use her and hurt her. You are better than that. You are safe. For the simple price of her body, you give her protection from rape or worse. And you are novel –– something she has never felt before –– her dirty little secret that she can take out on cold nights and remind herself that once she was naughty and bad and wicked and sinful. On those nights when the dullness and drudgery of her life are more than she can stand. That is what you are good for, Charlie Redmond.
Something stirred in Charlie’s soul. Some small light of hope had been kindled in the tenderness of this night, of Rebecca’s trusting love. For the first time, Charlie answered that taunting voice. What if you are wrong? What if she really does love me? Have not I paid my prices? Is it so bad that two people can find some comfort, some love in this world? I do not care what it costs. I am going to try. And I will be here. I will love her. I will give her whatever she is ready to accept from me. For as long as she wants me.
When sleep finally came, Charlie had a small, hopeful smile on her face.
CHAPTER 11
Thursday, November 24, 1864
Rebecca rolled over, reaching for Charlie, who was long gone from the bed. She smiled and stretched, allowing the memory of the previous night to wash over her. Her body still felt Charlie’s touch and she relished it, "Oh, Charlie."
Sighing, she rose from bed and called for Lizbet. She was slipping into her dressing gown when the young woman entered the room. "Yes, Ma’am."
"Have you seen Colonel Redmond this morning?"
"Yes, Ma’am. The Colonel rose early and went to camp. He said to tell you he would return for lunch."
"Thanks you. Could you please draw a bath for me."
"Yes, Ma’am. What would you like to wear today?"
Rebecca smiled, an indulgent look crossed her face. "Something bright and pleasing. I feel good today, Lizbet, and I want the world to know it."
The young woman smiled, crossing to the wardrobe. "I would guess that Colonel Redmond is feeling very good today as well, Miss Rebecca. He had a very bright smile on his face all through breakfast this morning. I have not seen him eat so much since we arrived. Sarah said if his appetite stays like this, he will need to have his uniform altered."
The blonde snorted at the thought. Knowing what she did about Charlie and his uniform, she could only imagine what kind of alterations he could make.
--*--
Charlie looked around his tent and the furnishings that had been packed up. Jocko was placing the last of his things in a crate. "Well, it will be nice to have the spare tent," the batman mumbled as he moved the crate to the opening.
"If you would like Jocko, you can take it for yourself. Give yourself the treat of a little privacy."
"And what do you think the boys would do without me yelling at them?"
"Give me a medal for getting you out of their hair?"
Jocko looked to his friend. "So tell me, Colonel C, what has you acting like a man reborn overnight?"
Charlie smiled gently. "I found a healing to a part of me that has been wounded for so long I did not realize it still hurt."
"And I take it that this healing has happened in the company of one Miss Rebecca?"
"Well, she has been tending to my injuries and illnesses." .
Jocko gave his friend a sly grin, before turning away and adding. "I think she is tending to more than your physical body. Charlie, she soothes your soul. Do you have any idea how much you smile now?"
"Who me? I always smile when I am relaxed. You just rarely see me relaxed. Seriously, though, old friend. She is a very special lady, one I hope I will be allowed to see grow old."
"Is it that serious now? What are you thinking, Charlie?"
"Between us, old friend, I am thinking that when this conflict is over, I will take my twenty year retirement and come back here and properly woo and marry the lady. If she will have me."
"Marry the lady?" He turned around, the shock registering clearly on his face. "You are serious."
"I am."
"And what does the lady say about this?"
"I do not know. I have not asked her."
"Marriage? Good Lord, Charlie, has it slipped by your good senses that you have only known this lady for a month?"
"No, it has not. That is why I am taking things slowly, and why I will not take any radical action until the war is over."
"I hope for your sake, and the sake of the lady, you know what you are doing, Charlie. I want you to be happy; I do not want you to be hurt. And I do not want to see the lady hurt either."
"Nor do I, Jocko. I want her to be cared for and loved as she deserves to be." A wistful look came over Charlie's face. "And if someone came along who could do that better than I...."
"Well, I doubt that will be the case. I think you are the man for the job, Charlie. Now all we have to do is get you through this war in one piece so you can come home to your lady." Jocko gave a quick laugh. "Of all things I thought we would be discussing about the end of the war, this was not among them."
"Jocko? You and I started at the same time. What had you planned to do when your time in the army is up?"