“Nothing to worry about.” I kept it short, wiping away the sweat on my face with my shirt. I always kept shit to myself, bottled up so deep inside of me that sometimes they fought to spill out.
“What happened wasn’t your fault. You know that and so does she. Why can’t you guys just talk it out like civilized adults?” Chance questioned and it only served to piss me off further. I wanted to lay him the fuck out for sticking his nose somewhere it didn’t belong, but at the same time I couldn’t because I knew he was only doing it because he cared.
“There’s no excuse, it happened right in front of me,” I growled, driving my fist into the bag harder.
“I don’t think what Simon did is the only thing that is hurting you.” Chance grabbed the bag, holding it steady as I landed blow after blow against it. The only sounds in the room being that of the chain above clinking and my own heavy breathing. He could assume whatever the fuck he wanted to. I wasn’t going to admit shit to him, my lips were sealed.
“Seeing her break, seeing her that vulnerable was hard. That’s why you feel you’re to blame.” His words stung my skin as if he had poured salt into an open wound, but instead of admitting out loud that he had hit a nerve I punched the bag that much harder, pretending it was his thick skull and I was shutting him up.
“Admit it, Chase,” he taunted me.
“Nothing to admit, Chance,” I retorted quickly.
“You need to talk to her, or at least try to.” I reached for the structure deep inside of me that kept me sane, holding on to it as I pulled away from the bag.
“I can’t,” I sighed.
Chance laughed like I had told him a joke, which caused me to slacken my hold on that one thing that kept me sane at the moment.
“Can’t is simply a word used by lazy people,” Chance laughed like I had told the joke of the year, before continuing on, “You can. You just don’t want to. You’re afraid for the same reasons she is. I heard her talk with Taylor the other night and she’s hurting bad, she’s never felt deeply for anyone like you, and I know you feel the same way.” I couldn’t help the surge of anger that rattled me, I lurched at my own brother without another thought.
“You’re lying, Chance!” I hissed in a fit of rage as we stood nose to nose.
“No, you are! You’re lying to yourself and to her!” he yelled back, pushing against my chest. The intensity in his eyes held me still, wrapping itself around me and causing my frozen heart to beat again, yet it didn’t make what he had said hurt any less.
“I fucked up. The things I said, Chance… I don’t know if they can ever be undone. I don’t know if she will ever believe that someone like me could want more with her. We used each other selfishly, even when our feelings were right there knocking us on our asses. This whole thing is a clusterfuck and I just…”
What Chase, what the fuck did you want to say?
“Just say it,” Chance urged.
“I can’t love someone because I don’t know if they have the same power to love me back. I feel like Gia could be the one, but I’m terrified. Hurting her is the last fucking thing I would ever want to happen, but protecting myself from the same hurt is a natural reflex. What if I fall and she isn’t there to fall with me? I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” I grabbed my hair at the scalp and pulled until it burned. Once again I had poured my heart out to my brother, and I wasn’t even drunk this time.
When I looked up between my hands I saw a smile marring his face. It wasn’t an ‘I told you so smile’, but a ‘thank heavens you saw the light’ smile.
“That didn’t hurt so bad, now did it?” Chance winked.
“Doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. Everything is still the same.” I reminded him, brushing everything off as I ripped my shirt from my body and headed towards the kitchen. I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard Gia’s laughter. It radiated warmth through me, causing all the dark in me to diminish.
“I think you should go for it. Life is too short to not at least try, especially when it’s something that you want. This time if it’s him who tries to run then you chase behind him as fast as you can, pulling him right back to you.” Taylor’s words settled deep inside of me. She spoke as if she had already experienced love and heartache all at the same time.
The air in the room seemed to catch fire as I entered, my chest heaved out a breath as I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. This whole distance thing was hard. What was harder was wanting to be near her, but knowing that keeping her at an arm’s length was the right thing to do. It was a love hate thing that almost always ended in me hating myself, yet I couldn’t help myself any longer, I needed to see her face. I turned around and caught Gia’s eyes locked on me, they looked into my soul and rooted me to her.
“I’m thinking pizza and a movie tonight?” Chance interrupted my thoughts before I could even get a word out. I didn’t know if what he was trying to do was a good idea, all I knew was I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off of her.
“Umm…”Gia hesitantly murmured, “It’s okay if we don’t, I have work to do anyways. You three could have a movie night and I could just, you know−” Taylor elbowed her in the side causing her to stop midsentence.
“Oh stop it, Gia. Of course we’re doing pizza and a movie tonight.” Taylor shot her a look that said shut up or I’m going to cut you. I felt as if I was invading on their circle of friendship by standing here watching every movement between the two of them unravel.
“I’ll order two pizzas. Taylor and Gia, you can pick the movie.” Chance chimed in quickly causing my stomach to growl at the thought of pizza. It had been at least a week since I had eaten anything other than a protein shake or bowl of cereal.
The room stayed quiet, Taylor and Chance both waiting to see who would give in first. My body seemed to be going through a tug of war, my head said I was making the right choice giving her the space and time that she needed; where my heart was begging for me to take her, to claim her as my own before the chance was gone. My hands turned to fists as the fire she stirred inside of me started to come back to life.
This is your chance, your choice… I could either give her what she wanted or teach her just what it was that I wanted.
“Sounds great.” I sealed the deal with those two words. Gia’s dark brown eyes glazed over as if she was in shock, as if she expected me to run and hide from her presence. Didn’t she know I did this all for her?
“Uh−uhh,” Gia stuttered, her words tumbling from her mouth in an incoherent mess. I knew I needed to say something, to man the fuck up at the very least and show her that I was really fine with this.
“We can be friends for one night, Gia. It’s not like it would kill either of us to be nice to one another. Let’s like each other today, you can go back to hating me tomorrow,” I said the words, but I didn’t mean them. I didn’t want her to hate me tomorrow either.
The tension in her eyes seemed to lessen as it filled the air between us. Gia nodded then smiled, and it was in that smile I could see the insecurities she had. They were the same ones I had.
“Yay!” Taylor squealed almost jumping from her seat, her eyes passed over Chance’s and the fire between them sizzled. I smiled to myself knowing that I wasn’t the only one going through some type of turmoil when it came to starting a relationship.
Everyone said it was easy and it should’ve been. It should’ve been as simple as I like you, you like me, but it was a lot more complicated than that with Gia and I.
Chance and Taylor discreetly dismissed themselves from the kitchen, leaving us alone with each other for the first time in a while. I stared at her for a long moment, trying to figure out if I should slam her against the wall and take her lips, forcing her to feel how much I cared for her; or if I should just let everything run its course.