NINETEEN
‘I’ll go feed the parking meter,’ I offer, opening my bag and getting my coin purse out.
‘No, stay in the car. I’ll do it,’ Dom says.
I shake my head. ‘Dom, it’s just there across the road. I’ll do it,’ I insist, and, opening the passenger door, get out.
I cross the road, put enough coins into the machine for two hours of parking time, and get a receipt. When I look up, I see that he has got out of the car and has his forearms resting on the roof as he stands looking at me. A breeze blows at his hair and he smoothes it down. He is so gorgeous I still get butterflies in my tummy just looking at him.
I grin at him and step onto the road. There’s a loud blare from someone’s horn, and I wake up from my little dream world where only Dom and I exist. I turn my head and see a white van coming, so I quickly step back onto the pavement.
The van passes, and Dom comes back into my sight, no longer casually resting his forearms on the roof of his car, but standing with his hands at his sides and staring at me in disbelief. His face is white and his mouth is hanging open.
‘What?’ I mouth, shaking my head.
A car goes past. The road becomes empty and I run across it.
‘What?’ I ask again.
He shakes his head slowly, blankly. ‘Nothing.’
‘You’re as white as a sheet.’
He looks at me strangely. ‘Am I?’
‘Yes.’
‘I thought that car was going to hit you.’
I laugh. It’s not really a proper laugh. I’m disturbed by the sudden change in him. His expression and demeanor are so bizarre and out of character. We were laughing two minutes ago. ‘Well, it didn’t,’ I say.
‘I know. I saw that,’ he says robotically.
‘Dom, it wasn’t even a near miss. I had plenty of time.’
‘I know,’ he says again.
I take his hand, and I’m shocked to find it trembling.
‘What’s the matter, Dom?’ I ask urgently.
‘Nothing. Let’s go to dinner.’
I give him the parking receipt and he displays it on the dashboard and locks the car. Then we walk to the restaurant and sit opposite each other. I look at him and he looks away.
‘Dom, what the hell is going on?’
He turns to me. ‘Leave it alone. Please.’
Because I can see that he is so extremely affected, I drop it quietly.
The waitress comes and he orders a triple whiskey. My eyebrows rise involuntarily, but I say nothing. When the drinks come, he downs his in one go and calls for another.
We order our food. It comes and we eat. All the while, we talk in a wooden manner. He tells me Lily is pregnant. She just found out today. Shane has started dating a magician called Tanya. Jake is sending their mother on holiday to Spain. And I tell him my mother has invited us to dinner on Saturday. He nods. He smiles. But his face is a mask.
Dessert menus are flourished. He wants nothing. So I follow his lead. He refuses coffee. And then I know he doesn’t want to spend any more time with me.
He’s pushing me away.
And it hurts like mad. Why? What have I done? How can he just shut me out for no reason like this? I start to feel angry, but I’m unable to express my anger. Some part of me knows that whatever it is, it’s serious. It’s eating him up. The bill gets paid.
‘Come, I’ll take you home,’ he says, getting to his feet.
I nod and pick up my purse. Yes, he definitely wants to get rid of me. We walk to the car in silence. We drive in silence. Outside my apartment, I turn toward him.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow,’ I say quietly.
‘Yeah, OK.’
He bends and kisses me lightly on the cheek. ‘Goodnight.’
He’s dismissing me as if I’m some woman he doesn’t give a shit about. I feel utterly abandoned. I peer into his closed face. ‘Have I done something wrong, Dom?’
He shakes his head. ‘No, it’s not you.’ And then he grips the steering wheel. ‘It’s not you,’ he says again. As if in those three words lies the solution to what is eating him.
‘Goodnight,’ I say.
‘Goodnight, Ella,’ he says softly.
I get out of the car, sad and confused. He waits until I get into the door of my apartment building before he drives off. I lean against the wall of the foyer and listen to his car blast off into the night before I slowly climb the stairs up to my flat. I let myself in. There is a lamp burning in the living room. I walk to the sofa and sink heavily into it. It feels as if my whole world has just collapsed.
I’m in love with a man I cannot understand. A man who is closed off to me. The only time he’s real with me is when we’re in bed, but tonight, for no reason that I can see, he has rejected even that from me.
I know we have something.
It feels so real, but is it enough?
I go into my bedroom and sit in front of my dressing table. My face looks dazed and lost and I feel like crying, but I don’t. I tell myself that I am strong. I can be strong for him and for me.
One day he will tell me what’s wrong.
One day I will make his demons go away. Until that day, I will be here waiting and loving him. I cleanse my face, get into my pajamas, and finish my toilette. Then I go back into the living room and listen to music.
I listen to Heart singing ‘Stairway to Heaven’. And the sadness of the song makes me tear up. The song ends, and my phone buzzes. A message from Dom. I am so desperate to open the message that I drop the phone. I pick it up and click on the text.
Are you still up?
My hands shake as I type in my one word reply: Yes. And click send. I cover my mouth and wait. The phone sounds again almost immediately.
Don’t go 2 bed. Coming round in 10 minutes.
I stare at it. And suddenly it’s as if I’ve been told I’ve won the lottery. I leap up from the sofa and run to the bedroom. I get out of my PJs and slip into a sexy nightie. It’s see-through with a plunging neckline and little pearl buttons. I light some scented beeswax candles. I slick on nude lip gloss. Standing in front of the mirror, I brush my hair and dab perfume onto my wrists.
Once I’m satisfied with my appearance, I go back to the living room and because I gave him a key to my flat last week I arrange myself in a sexy pose on the sofa. I hear his key in the door and hurriedly fluff my hair. The door opens. He stands for a moment in the doorway and sways slightly. Then he comes in and, closing the door, leans against it. I stare at him. He is dead drunk!
‘Hey there, tiger,’ he drawls.
‘Hey, you,’ I say cautiously.
He starts walking toward me, stumbles once, rights himself, and continues on his journey to me.
‘You drove here like this?’ I ask incredulously.
He nods.
‘God! Dom. You can barely stand. You could have killed yourself. Or someone else.’
‘I didn’t,’ he mutters, ‘kill anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
I stand. ‘I’ll make some coffee for you,’ I say, heading toward the kitchen. I love him, but I’m not going to condone drunk driving. As I pass him, his hand shoots out and he pulls me into his hard body.
‘I spent a lot of time and money to get into this state. I don’t want to sober up just yet, thanks,’ he says.
I look into his eyes. There’s no real focus in them. If I’m going to find out anything, now is the best time. ‘OK. Come sit with me and let’s talk.’
He shakes his head slowly. ‘I didn’t get this way to sit and talk with you.’
‘What do you want to do, Dom?’
‘What I always want to do when I’m around you, Ella.’
A chill comes into my body. Here. Cold, clear proof that I am nothing but a good fuck. I’m in love with the guy, and all he wants from me is sex.