“I don’t want you to think that just because I’m sixteen… and because of what happened… you know… at your aunt Rita’s…” I shouldn’t have mentioned that, because when I did, I wasn’t sure about the truth of what I wanted to say next. This wasn’t going at all like I’d hoped. Sal was so close and his kisses sent summer running through my veins. Before I got lost there, I blurted out, “I don’t want to have sex.”
The minute the words were out, I knew they were a lie. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that afternoon on Rita’s porch. When I lay in bed at night I could almost feel Sal’s hands on my bare skin and I wanted them there again. Not just around my waist either. Thinking about this made it difficult to breathe.
“Who said anything about having sex?” His voice was husky and he was kissing my neck. “I just want to be close to you. Kissing you. Touching you.”
“I want that, too.” I closed my eyes and leaned into him. Then a flash of Ed’s sex vids came into my head. I sat up. I did not ever want those vids and Sal in the same thought.
“Did I do something wrong?” He moved a lock of hair out of my eyes.
“No.” I couldn’t tell him about the vids. Just the thought of putting what I’d seen into words made me feel sick. I forced myself to concentrate on the moment. “It’s the whole sex-teen thing…” I stumbled around for more words. “I don’t want to.”
“I know that. I would never try to make you either. If it happens, it will be because we both want it to.” He pulled me close. “Sex is not why I’m here.”
“I have to know it isn’t a big deal for you.” I gazed in his eyes.
“You are the big deal for me, Nina.” He wrapped his arm around me, and we sat together until the streetlights came on—which wasn’t nearly long enough for me.
“We’d better get back,” I said.
As soon as we left the privacy of the oasis, my PAV beeped—Gran.
“Nina. Where are the two of you? I’ve been calling for half an hour. It’s supper time.”
“I’m almost home. We were down by the river. Didn’t Dee tell you?”
“Dee? No. Isn’t Dee with you?”
XXXIX
I grabbed Sal’s jacket. “Dee’s gone!”
“Gone? How can she be…” His face turned pale.
It was as if all the blood drained out of me, and I sank to the ground. “No, no, no…” I shook my head, moaning. Ed couldn’t’ve. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have left her. I knew better. He’ll…”
Sal knelt beside me. “Nina, it’s okay. We’ll find her. He won’t do anything to her. Remember, it’s you he wants. Besides, he’s her father. He wouldn’t hurt her.”
I couldn’t even look at Sal. Pushing him away, I bounded up. “You don’t know that! He could use her to get to me… he… This never would have happened if I hadn’t been… if I wasn’t so stupid sex-teen! I hate it!” I pushed him again. “I don’t want this body. I don’t want it to feel so good when you kiss me, when you touch me. It’s not fair.”
He snatched my arms, pinning them to my sides. “Nina, stop it! Now’s not the time. We’ve got to figure out what to do, okay?”
I looked up, and saw all his feelings right there in his eyes. I knew mine were in my eyes, too. A shudder ran through me. He was right—it was not the time. We had to find Dee, find out what happened.
“We’d better get upstairs,” he said.
In the elport, Sal and I fashioned a plan. He would call his brother while I got a hold of Wei. Between the four of us, we’d figure out what to do next. When the pod stopped three floors below mine, Sal and I fell silent. Even if it was just some old folks heading upstairs for a card game with friends, we couldn’t take chances.
The door opened and there stood Dee.
I yanked her inside. “Where have you been? We’ve been worried to death! You were supposed to stay in the apartment.” All the time I was talking, I alternated between holding her at arm’s length and hugging her. She finally managed to get out of my grasp.
She ducked behind Sal, looking at me like I was insane. “What’s the matter with you? I just went to Harriet’s. She came over to borrow some sugar, and since I was alone she invited me for some cookies. Gran says Harriet’s is a safe place to go.”
“It’s all right, Nina.” The elport had stopped on our floor and Sal was holding the door open. “She’s fine. It’s okay.”
I felt like I’d been sucked into a black hole and jettisoned out the other side. All the what-ifs in the galaxy whizzed through my brain—mostly what if Ed had gotten his hands on Dee? I didn’t know how much more of this I could handle. I wasn’t Dee’s mother—and I hated feeling like I was. Gran was her guardian. But I was her sister. And Ginnie’d told me to take care of her. Even though there was no one to take care of me.
Doesn’t matter, I told myself. I’m almost an adult. I can handle this. I willed myself calm.
My insides were awhirl, but I managed to keep my voice from wavering when I spoke. “Dee, you’re almost twelve. You know better. Never go out like that again without leaving a note on the message center.”
“Okay. Sorry. You’re not mad anymore, are you?”
“No, I was worried, that’s all.” Liar, I thought. I was angry, but not at her. With myself. I’d wanted to be with Sal so much, I put Dee in danger. I’d let my feelings for him take over, and ignored what was most important. I couldn’t let that happen again.
Dee hurried into the apartment. I could hear her apologizing to Gran before the door closed behind her. I turned to Sal. “I shouldn’t have—”
“We shouldn’t have,” he corrected. “We were both stupid. It won’t happen again. Don’t worry.” He kissed me, and while it wasn’t toe curling, it was close enough.
After dinner, Sandy called. “I haven’t talked to you in forever! You have to see my tattoo, Nina! And Mike has beeped me almost every night.” Even through the PAV, I could tell she was eating something. “He even called on my birthday; which, by the way, was lame because you couldn’t come out. How’s your face now?”
“See for yourself.” I clicked a digi on my receiver and sent it. I ignored her comment about the tattoo. That was the last thing I wanted to think about. “You know, you and Mike have a lot in common.” A thought was forming in my brain. “You both love cows…” I couldn’t think of another love they shared, unless it was Sandy herself. Saying that would be cruel, and besides, she really was sweet when she wasn’t being sex-teen of the century.
“He told me Derek’s playing at Soma on Saturday. I plan on being there. I’ll take the six-fifteen and meet you guys like before. I suppose Wei will come, too?” I heard her huff. “Oh well. We’ll party anyway. She’s sixteen, too, isn’t she? Doesn’t act like it. Wait till you see my tattoo. It didn’t hurt at all.”
She made her XVI sound like a badge of honor.
“Wear shoes you can walk in, okay?”
She laughed and then told me every single thing she’d have on. Exactly how she was planning to do her hair, etc., etc., etc. Eventually, we were both laughing and being as silly as we used to be. I missed those times in Cementville. Even with the stress of Ed in my family’s life, I’d been close to happy. I loved Sandy, even in her craziness.
XL
We’d only had a half day of school on Friday, and I was home, in my room, sketching my makeshift dresser. I noticed the corner of Dee’s baby book jutting out from under my clothes. It had been well over three weeks since Sal and I had been to his aunt Rita’s and told Rita about it. I’d been waiting for some kind of word from her so I could get Dee’s baby book to my father.