The whole event was a debacle. Essentially, the frequent starting and stopping of the recount process did not allow adequate time to finish the task. After five weeks of edge-of-your-seat drama, we had a schmuck president-elect named George. (Despite losing the electoral college vote, Al Gore still won the popular vote.)
Katherine, you signed an oath to uphold the Constitution, but apparently autographed it with only twelve-hour lipstick. You screwed us. George W. Bush would’ve never been elected president if the recount had been fair. So it’s your fault we went to war with Iraq, had all of our phones illegally tapped, federal prosecutors were unjustly fired, oil prices quadrupled, and the whole world ended up in a recession. Not to mention we would’ve probably found a cure for cancer by allowing stem cell research and bin Laden would more than likely be a greasy spot on some missile head by now. Hope your loyalty was worth it. Shame on you! There’s an old saying in Florida that goes, “Fool voters once, shame on… shame on you. Fool voters… you can’t get fooled again, Florida.”
№36-24-36
Ruth Handler
For making girls bitter.
The Barbie doll was invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler. Ruth was a cofounder of Mattel and named the doll after her own daughter. She noticed that most dolls were infants and felt that it was time for a change. The invention was simple: a grown-up doll for children to play with. Barbie was an instant success.
Barbie’s supposed to be a “real” woman, but, besides having no nipples, her measurements originally were 39-18-33 (bow-chicka-wow-wow). This sparked much controversy with critics, their argument being that Barbie was modeled after an “adult” toy, and the measurements were based on male fantasy. Barbie’s bust and hips were later adjusted due to criticism. However, the proportions are still impractical and will set you back about thirty-five grand in plastic surgery.
Mrs. Handler is responsible for crushing prepubescent aspirations. Barbie’s measurements create unrealistic expectations for young girls to live up to. Ruth claimed that Barbie’s busty bosom would build up a girl’s self-assurance. However, since it is physically impossible to have these measurements, it actually has a negative effect on a girl’s self-esteem. Don’t worry, boys: I hear there are talks of reducing Ken’s bulge size as well.
Come on, Ruth! The world is superficial enough. We don’t need to encourage little Jane’s bulimia and boob job, nor to promote young Billy’s steroid use and penis pump.
Ruth Handler was not all bad. Ironically, after she had breast cancer and a mastectomy, she invented a prosthetic breast called the Nearly Me. Many breast cancer victims found relief in the prosthesis, as it matched the weight and density of a natural breast. Karma’s a bitch, but we forgive you.
№037
Tiger
For actually being a cheetah!
Prior to November 2009, if Tiger Woods stood on a roof and shouted down to fans, “I am a golden god,” nobody would have disputed it—not even Tiger. And why not? Woods has won fourteen major golf championships, is the youngest to achieve the career grand slam, and has held the No. 1 position longer than any other golfer. Oh, and he made more money than any other athlete in 2008—$110 million.
Believe it or not, Mr. Woods originally made it into this book “for not letting anyone else win”! It was a lighthearted story that crowned my (ex-)sports hero king of golf and applauded him for being an all-around swell guy. But NO—what we get instead is a strange car accident involving a tree, a fire hydrant, and a nine iron. And then WHOA Nelly—and Rachel… and Kalika… and Mindy… and Jamie… and another one named Jamiee… and Cori… and Holly… and Joslyn…
Who knows if they are all legit? And really, who cares about the number after the tally gets higher than you can count on a single golf glove?
That was the last straw for me. I no longer watch pro sports. I’ve switched to less scandalous professional entertainment—late night Cinemax.
Tiger made us realize that cute fuzzy gophers weren’t the only sneaky rodents roaming the golf course. But if you’re still a Tiger fan, don’t worry: If he’s anything like his furry friends, he’ll burrow his way out of his hole in no time singing the Caddyshack theme song. In fact, I’m sure by the time you are reading this, Tiger will be back at the top of his game and the forgetful public will be cheering for the cheater and buying sports drinks with his ten-timing face printed on the label.
№038
Peter Cooper Hewitt
For giving us horrible lighting.
American Peter Cooper Hewitt patented the first mercury vapor lamp in 1901. This low-pressure lamp was the very first prototype of today’s modern fluorescent lights. Thanks for nothing!
I wish fluorescent lights would go away. I support great light quality and horrible efficiency! GO INCANDESCENT!
Yeah, yeah, yeah… fluorescents are better for the environment. Unfortunately, they give off horrible light quality, and they flicker and buzz. The fluorescent light is like the Prius of cars. It’s really economical and a good idea, but it’s ugly and we can’t stop it!
Apparently, Ned Flanders is the only one who likes them. He once said, “Oooh, they hum like angels! You’re never lonely if you’ve got a fluorescent light!”
When someone gets a great idea, a lightbulb pops up above his head, but NOT a fluorescent tube! There is good reason for this: It’s because, besides taking a few seconds to flicker on, the fluorescent tube was a crappy idea with poor execution. And thanks to Hewitt’s technology, we now have terrible lighting in countless offices, hospitals, and municipal buildings around the world.
Fluorescent lights downgrade the quality of any space. And their melancholic glow is enough to drive anyone off the edge. How many people have slipped into chronic depression because of badly lit offices? Well, I don’t know the answer to that, but even one is too many (unless, of course, it’s that one asshole who never refills the printer paper).
№039
Dr. Martin Cooper
For making us too available!
Dr. Martin Cooper invented the cellular phone. He came up with the sophisticated technology responsible for the cell phone when he was the director of research and development at Motorola. Now he’s the CEO of the ArrayComm antenna corporation.
Thanks a lot, doc; now we are available, all the time.
The mobile phone could be claimed as one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century. However, I would argue against it. Really, all it does is make us reachable every second of every day. Is that a good thing? Is the trade-off worth it? Do you want to “get away”? Well, too bad, you can’t ’cause you own a cell phone. And of course, you can never NOT answer your cell phone because then you’re an asshole phone-dodger. Not to mention that you always get that itch of curiosity to find out what the call is about.
Besides making us constantly available, the mobile device is probably causing us to develop cancer, making us infertile and impotent due to the digital radiation, and creating a whole new array of repetitive motion injuries. I know Travolta became smart with one in Phenomenon, but I would prefer to avoid a brain tumor! And quite frankly, I am getting tired of loud phone conversations everywhere I go. It happens waiting in line, on airplanes, at restaurants, in elevators and movie theaters—enough already. Stop the insanity! If you are going to do it, learn how to use your “inside” voice. I guess one benefit of cell phone overexposure is knowing that the loud-talking dickwad in line at Starbucks gabbing on his phone is going to eventually have his penis fall off from harmful mobile phone emissions! So at least we have that to look forward to!