№040
Edward A. Murphy
For creating a “law” for stuff to go wrong.
Definition: Murphy’s Law—if anything can go wrong, it will.
The suggestive saying was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on an Air Force project at Edwards Air Force Base. A rocket deceleration test failed to record needed data. Murphy discovered the failure was the result of his assistant wiring a transducer backwards. Murphy got a little pissed about the mistake and said, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.” The project manager wrote this down on his list of “laws” and called it Murphy’s Law.
Shortly afterward, Dr. John Paul Stapp, one of the test riders for the deceleration track, was in an important press conference. He was asked a question regarding safety and how the test riders avoided being hurt during the rocket-sled tests. He said that their good safety record was due to a firm belief in Murphy’s Law and the challenge to try and evade it. The saying stuck after being published in a few journals.
Thanks a lot, Murph! You gave it a name…
Now anything that can go wrong will, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way. All because of your little hissy fit!
Here are a few other unnecessary sayings that precipitate bad things happening just because they were given a name: crying wolf, the domino effect, alcoholism, schadenfreude, and the Bermuda triangle. Even when someone says, “Don’t drop that!”, you are certainly ten times more likely to. When analyzed, it’s more of a chicken-and-egg debate—if there were no chicken there would be no egg—hence no debate. What we have learned is that when you drop a piece of toast with peanut butter on the floor, you can be sure it will land on the bad side. But let’s say it actually landed gooey side up (and you took the three-second rule into account). Would you still eat it anyway?
№041
Clarence Thomas
For calling it “Long Dong Silver.”
Sexual harassment laws are relatively new to society. The United States adopted the 1964 Civil Rights Act, but even then, the first lawsuits filed under its auspices did not happen until the 1970s. Since then, interpretation of the law has broadened.
Unfortunately for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, he was not immune to these laws during his Supreme Court nomination proceedings in 1981. The sexual harassment allegations from Anita Hill ignited a media frenzy prior to Thomas’s appointment. The nationally televised hearing sparked many longstanding water-cooler jokes over such phrases as “There is a pubic hair in my Coke!” and a certain penis in question named “Long Dong Silver.” In the end, the hearing failed to substantiate Anita’s claims. These events didn’t help Clarence’s already skimpy qualifications. Nonetheless, this man made it to the highest judicial position in the land. The Senate elected him with a 52-48 vote (which was the smallest margin in Supreme Court history).
Sexual harassment trials in later years that sided against men show us Clarence acted similarly to guilty parties. Also, Clarence said Anita was a “mediocre” employee. If this were true, why did Mr. Thomas hire her twice? It has to be one or the other: She was either a good employee, or he just wanted to sleep with her. Something smells fishy!
Did he rape her? No, but he still made crude sexual remarks to Anita and made her feel uncomfortable in the workplace. This type of accusation should not be associated with a Supreme Court justice.
So the next time you are thinking about discussing your pubes at the water cooler with a member of the opposite sex, remember that there is a good chance you can get away with it. Hell, you may even be promoted (especially if you are a Republican).
№042
Chemie Grünenthal
For causing thalidomide birth defects.
Wilhelm Kunz, a trained pharmacist, discovered thalidomide by accident while synthesizing drug compounds for the German pharmaceutical company Chemie Grünenthal. The drug was used to treat morning sickness in pregnant women. And while it was quite effective at treating nausea, it was also tragically efficient at disrupting the normal development of fetuses. Thousands of children in countries around the world were born with birth defects that included malformed limbs and supernumerary appendages
Herr Kuntz, Sie haben es für alle ruiniert! What were you thinking? You were a pharmacist, not a scientist. You were trained to distribute drugs, not make them. And shame on you, Chemie Grünenthal! Your greed kept you from properly testing thalidomide before releasing it to the public. You were blinded by visions of beaucoup Deutschemarks in your eyes and sold it anyway. More than ten thousand children in forty-six countries were born with deformities because of your neglect. Let’s not forget, this is the same kind of bullshit that made Harrison Ford a Fugitive.
№043
W.
For calling them “freedom fries.”
George W. Bush set us back decades in so many ways. I don’t have the time, or energy, to express all of my negative views toward his idiocy. The entire book could be dedicated to his blight. Nonetheless, I will focus on merely a tiny blunder of his reign: “freedom fries.”
Bush and his posse decided to rename french fries “freedom fries” after the French opposed the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. Some conservatives, for a while, boycotted French goods in retaliation as well. Bush’s cronies, Robert Ney and Walter Jones, instigated the change in the House of Representatives’ cafeterias, which later caught on to various restaurants across the country. They intended it to express our displeasure with France. However, the name change was a ridiculous and childish way to express irritation. Not to mention that french fries come from Belgium. Many argue that there should have been a more intelligent way to show displeasure.
You dickhead! You ruined our world standing. I have tried to mentally block out all of your wrongdoings about as effectively as sunlight through a window. All I can say is: freedom fries? Are you serious? This was your quiet temper tantrum against the French for not supporting a meaningless war? That’s why French people now call American cheese “idiot cheese.”
I leave you with a few of my favorite Bush quotes:
• “See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” October 3, 2003.