• “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” February 21, 2001.
• “The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our No. 1 priority and we will not rest until we find him.” September 13, 2001.
• “I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.” March 13, 2002.
№044
Barack Obama
For promoting a dying technology.
Barack is doing a pretty good job mopping up the Bush mess and presidentially sweeping it under the oval rug. Let’s just say he hasn’t ruined anything major—yet. And I hope by the time you’re reading this he hasn’t been caught next to an intern with his pants down while signing a communistic health care-reform document.
If you are not aware, Obama has allocated a large wad of cash into America’s broadband infrastructure. About $8 billion is being poured into the construction of new broadband Internet networking in hopes of improving connectivity in rural areas.
The allocation of monies is a bit vague. However, I guarantee the cable and phone companies’ mouths are salivating to add more customers through cable and improved fiber optic telephone lines. The problem is that this technology is on its way out. The world is going wireless. We should be allocating most of the money to wireless connectivity. If we don’t, we are just going to be left with a lot of useless wires blocking our view of the deer and the antelope at play, purple mountain majesties above the fruited plains, and the rockets’ red glare!
We know what you are trying to do, Barack—you are trying to create jobs, stimulate the economy, and better America’s Internet connectivity at the same time. You even mention how well it worked with our road system back in the day. But why spend time and money laying down thousands of miles of broadband Internet lines in rural areas when it’s not economical? Instead, we should be investing in 4G and other wireless technology. Yes, we would still be No. 20 in the world for landlines, but we would be No. 1 in wireless connectivity. Boo-ya! Take that, Japan!
Yes, the idea worked in the past with creating roadways and bridges to improve our economy. However, it’s a different era, and we need to allocate our resources intelligently. If you want to invest in old technology, develop better pothole fillers that can last longer than one winter!
Barack, try not to make it on the list again, and stop apologizing for every little thing (it makes you look wimpy).
№045
Albert and Joe Cobble
For making carpet affordable.
Carpet sucks.
In 1949, the Cobble brothers teamed up with a bedspread company and made the first tufting machinery wide enough to produce carpeting in a single pass. This, along with the use of cheaper backing materials, made wall-to-wall carpet accessible and affordable to the masses. Eventually, carpet became a cheap way to cover unfinished wood floors. This, of course, led the way for scuzzy landlords to quickly resurface floors by covering up stains and chalk outlines in trashy low-rent apartments.
Al and Joe, I blame you for making our living spaces harbor microscopic filthiness. To put it mildly, carpet is disgusting. It looks cheap and trashy. The only way to really clean it is to burn it. Aside from being aesthetically grotesque, it can contain lead, dust mites, allergens, bacteria, and the memory of everyone’s smelly bare feet. The fuzzy bacteria trap also harbors everything that is spilled on it, not to mention every human byproduct under the sun, including, but not limited to, dead skin, dandruff, dried deodorant, boogers, sneezes, sleepy seeds, scabs, spit, sweat, toe jam, barf, earwax, pubes, and anything that can be projectile-launched from a baby. Thanks!
Like a tree’s rings, I am certain our future culture and even extraterrestrials will study present-day living habits by analyzing the spills in our carpets. God knows they’ll last longer than we will.
№046
Dr. Seymour Butts
For inventing the hospital gown.
Dr. Seymour Butts invented the hospital gown. He may have collaborated with someone else, but I assure you it was not Tim Gunn. This garment—also known as a patient gown, exam gown, or johnny shirt—is a short-sleeved, thigh-length, awkwardly sized garment worn by patients in hospitals and other medical facilities. If you have never worn one, you must be the picture of health, or perhaps have been imprisoned since birth in an Austrian basement, having never seen the light of day.
Whether worn frontward or backward, they’re awkward, uncomfortable, and quite revealing.
The “better” hospital gown is made of cotton that can withstand repeated laundering in hot water and is fastened at the back with twill tape ties. However, 80 percent of hospitals now use disposable hospital gowns made of ungainly paper or thin plastic. Both suck equally.
Mr. Butts, you stink as a designer. And, quite frankly, we must put some blame on the fashion industry too. Why hasn’t someone designed something better? It seems to me that there is a lot of money to be made if every patient in every hospital needs one. And Tim Gunn, you should share the blame as well. Though few would debate that the old version looks better when worn by Heidi Klum, why have your “designers” NOT had a “challenge” where they had to create a fashion-forward hospital habit?
№047
William Harley and Arthur Davidson
For making us deaf.
Harley-Davidson is an American motorcycle company that got its start at the beginning of the twentieth century. If you haven’t heard of it, that’s probably because loud exhaust noise has made you deaf. Many people (with the exception of a few men who really like leather) believe the two-wheeled chick magnet is a sound nuisance. I’m sure you’ve had a peaceful outdoor meal in the summertime ruined by a gang of hog riders cruising by.
But stories like that do not compel Harley-Davidson to quiet its ride. In fact, the Milwaukee motorcycle maker loved its uproariousness so much it even tried to trademark its loud self-proclaimed “potato-potato-potato” sound in the nineties. A battle in court with a couple of Japanese motorcycle companies lasted about six years before Harley-Davidson decided to throw in the bandana. But Harley claimed it had won in the court of public opinion anyway.
So if you’re a Harley rider, we just want you to know: You’re so macho—you ma-cho ma-cho man. I’m sure you notice that everyone turns their heads when you ride by. But take a moment away from tightening up your leather chaps, wipe the exhaust from your biker goggles, and focus on their facial expressions. Aside from the one guy who is winking and lickin’ his lips at you, I assure you that everyone has a look of disgust that nearly parallels the look the Speedo guy gets (see RIFE No003).
Okay, it’s like a state of mind, freedom, the open road, and “screw the system” all wrapped up in an American-made grease bucket. I get it—I really do. I mean, nothing shouts liberation like shiny studded jewelry, fringe, saddlebags, and leather vests. But seriously, when you set off more car alarms than California’s earthquakes, it’s just too much. Ride AWAY from town and go explore your freedom on the open (dirt) road. Then, afterward, maybe you can meet up with your gang at the Blue Oyster Bar and show off your shiny tailpipes.