№048
Insurance frauds
For making insurance rates expensive.
One out of every three car crashes involving bodily injury is fraudulent.
There are many different types of insurance: auto, home, medical, life, etc. They all have one thing in common: They are susceptible to fraud. Insurance fraud has been around since the start of insurance. Even as far back as ancient Greece, people would scam “insurers” by purposefully sinking or hiding a ship to claim the insurance bounty.
So what’s the big deal? Fraudulent insurance scams raise our rates and make us victims. I agree with Ned Flanders, who thinks insurance is a form of gambling. Not to mention that you pay premiums your whole life and when you finally need it, the insurance companies haggle you on the payout. Either way you look at it, it’s a dirty business. The best medicine is not to drive!
Here are the three popular car insurance scams to avoid:
• The Staged Rear-End Accident. A scammer slams on the breaks so you rear-end them. Along with collecting money for the damage, they will fake injury. Lesson learned: Never follow too closely.
• Adding Damage. A fraudulent driver adds more damage after an accident occurs to get a bigger settlement. Lesson learned: Be sure to take pictures at the scene if you are at fault.
• The Phony Wave. This is the guy who waves you on, but then crashes into you, after which he will deny waving you on to collect the insurance money. Lesson learned: Always use your best judgment in traffic.
Good luck out there!
№049
Big Tobacco
For killing its customers. (and smokers, for playing along)
Cigarette smoking is the preeminent source of preventable premature deaths in the world. Smoking-related diseases cause four hundred and forty thousand American deaths each year and cost the U.S. more than $150 billion annually in health care. Cigarette smoke contains at least forty-eight hundred chemicals, sixty-nine of which are known to cause cancer… yada, yada, yada… B-O-R-I-N-G! We already know! Jesus, can we just move forward?
Yes, cigarettes are bad for you. Yes, the tobacco companies lied. Yes, they ruined it for everybody. Yes, they are going to hell. Of course they are to blame for countless deaths, stinky breath, yellow teeth, and streets littered with butts. The only question is: Why are people still smoking? Aside from the fact that you look so cool blowing smoke like a dragon, what’s the thrill? What is it? WHAT? Rebellion? Relaxation? I used to smoke to alleviate stress and to escape for a few minutes at work, but I wised up and quit. What’s your status? Are you a “lifer,” or are you just an unsuccessful quitter?
It’s easy to blame “Big Tobacco” for promoting a deadly product. But that time is over. Accept the facts: Smoking is bad for you and we all know it. So now, it’s your fault if you still smoke. If you want to quit, help is available. Get some and do it!
And by the way, if you ever hear someone say they can’t quit because they’re too addicted, it’s bullshit. Yes, it is difficult to quit smoking. Some even claim it’s more addictive than heroin. Well, have you ever seen someone detox from heroin? I can assure you, it entails a lot more than a few headaches and being a little irritable. If you want to quit, stop being a baby and throw away the coffin nails. Your loved ones will gladly stand beside you all the way (especially after you quit, because then you won’t stink nearly as much).
№050
The Consumer Product Safety Commission
For making it a headache to open aspirin.
If you have found yourself looking for a hammer to finish the job after struggling with a childproof pill container, trust me, you’re not alone. We have the Consumer Product Safety Commission to thank for our lid-popping problems. U.S. law has required locking mechanisms on all potentially dangerous products since 1970 for child protection.
I guess the question is: Is this necessary? I am not anti-child by any means, but how many lives is this saving? If you personally don’t have any problems opening these containers, then just wait until you become elderly. Eventually, you will be shaking your cane at these hard-to-open pill bottles. Don’t forget, you will have more bottles to open when you’re old, and dexterity decreases with arthritis.
When I was a toddler, I didn’t even know pill containers existed. They were high up in the cabinets, a bit out of reach for a sub-three-footer. I was more into the big shiny bottles under the sink! I could reach those things easily and dump them all over the floor. Ironically, you are hard-pressed to find a pill bottle without a safety cap, but most cleaning products are a few twists or a couple squirts away from a call to poison control.
Yet the “protection” we do have just makes life more difficult. Most households rarely need safety devices like these. The CPSC obviously didn’t do its job very well in the first place if it missed security on the more dangerous products. If you were really trying to protect toddlers, you would know it’s easier to get into accessible cleaning products. I guess I should be careful what I wish for before someone sues the big chemical companies and padlocks become mandatory on all kitchen cabinets.
Parents should just lock up all potentially harmful things and call it a day! (Just like you would do with alcohol when your kids become teenagers.)
№051
Michael J. Fox
For causing skateboard accidents.
Great Scott! Back to the Future is the best movie of all time. I watched it so many times in my youth, I can recite the entire movie by heart. I am sure you have seen it multiple times yourself. But in case your religion bans the viewing of PG movies, I will give you a few keywords: Michael J. Fox, the eighties, the fifties, skateboards, time machine, and 1.21 gigawatts!
Here is the only problem with the film: In the beginning, Marty McFly (Fox) is late to school. He rushes off on his skateboard and proceeds to hitch a ride on the rear bumpers of a few vehicles. He does this again toward the middle of the movie to evade his enemy, Biff. This act of being pulled behind a vehicle on a skateboard is called skitching. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen when I was ten years old. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the most dangerous things you can do on a skateboard.
I annoyingly begged my dad for an exact replica of Marty’s skateboard for my birthday. Shortly after getting acclimated on it, I was determined to be like Mike! I had it planned—I would secretly grab on to the back of my mom’s car on her way to the store. I did just that, and quickly lost control of the board. My fingers got stuck on the bumper and I could not let go. I was pulled half a block before I could get free. My mom had no idea, and I hobbled back in bloody shame. After she found out, I was forced, as punishment, to play in the soccer tournament the next day still severely damaged with road rash. Mr. Fox, your cool yet risky actions were not resistant enough to imitation by a die-hard fan. How many other nameless victims injured themselves in similar accidents? We blame you!