Unfortunately, my favorite childhood movie star was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 1991. But instead of complaining about it, he took action. The Teen Wolf has achieved great strides in Parkinson’s awareness and research. You are more than forgiven for your jovial skateboard stunts. We love you. All we want to know is when Mattel’s gonna start selling those hoverboards!
№052
Mike Ramsay and Jim Barton
For inventing TiVo.
TiVo was invented by Ramsay and Barton in the late nineties. TiVo is great. If you can’t afford one or don’t subscribe to a DVR service, you’re spending too much money on drugs. Put down the pipe, pick up the phone, and order one. When you do, you’ll feel a sudden, almost overwhelming sense of freedom, similar to a pardoned death row inmate. I’m not kidding—your toes will tingle and your head will spin all the way around from excitement once you’ve been paired with this magical recording box. No longer do you have to rush home or fear missing your favorite programming ever again! You are free from being a slave to the inconsiderate network time slots. Channel surfing will be a thing of the past. And commercials? You will never have to hear one more “HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead” ever again!
Take note: This perfect invention does have inevitable flaws. Pure evil will escape and fill the TV room with backhanded selfishness. The evil usually starts seeping out in mass quantities once your significant other and/or roommate discover TiVo’s capabilities. Once this happens they will then turn against you.
Let’s say you live with your lover, spouse, or friend and maintain a healthy relationship. As soon as you begin to share this device, put 911 on speed dial, set up a spy camera, arm yourself with dinnerware, and prepare to catch them TiVo-tampering. And beware: The TiVo can backstab its owner as well. Let’s say you delete a Gilmore Girls rerun to make space for recording a playoff game. Remember, TiVo doesn’t make mistakes; you make mistakes. And you will probably become a statistic on the domestic abuse victims list—NOT by mistake.
If TiVo starts meddling with your domestic lifestyle, I suggest you perform a séance. Break out the candles, face your palms up, and start chanting “Light as a feather, stiff as a board, we shall fight over TiVo—NO more.” And remember, sharing is a good thing (unless, of course, it’s a song and the music industry catches you).
№053
IBM
For inventing spell-checker.
The first spell-checker was created by a group of six linguists from Georgetown University for IBM in the late seventies. The first spell-check program for a personal computer was created in 1980. From there, it became an integral part of all word-processing software. Today, even Web browsers have spell-check support that will alert you with red underlining when the smart side of your brain farts.
Software like this makes us lazy and stupid.
Unfortunately, I am the worst abuser of this spelling aid. Okay, I will admit it: I cheated on my spelling tests as a kid. It has haunted me my entire life. The night before a test, I would press extra hard while writing the spelling words in a notebook. I would then remove the top page, revealing below a sheet of paper that had a faint imprint of the words already spelled correctly. Then I would simply use that piece of paper for the test. Quite deviant, I know.
Maybe I am to blame, ’cause people like me are the reason they invented spell-check in the first place. Maybe it’s the teacher’s fault for not catching me. Or, possibly, IBM is accountable for being too geeky and creating the damn thing. Either way, it’s turning our heads into Jell-O. Consequently, studies have shown that if the average man were forced to compete in a one-on-one spelling bee faceoff, broccoli would win.
№054
The Yellow Pages
For wasting trees.
Every year, five hundred and forty million phone directories are delivered in the United States. That’s nearly two books for every American. Nineteen million trees and 7.2 billion barrels of oil are used in making these over-issued directories.
The Reuben H. Donnelley Company claims that it published the first classified telephone directory for the Chicago area around 1886. The phone book was a great tool for a long time, but most of us have moved on. Unless you need a booster seat, or you are doing experiments on MythBusters, they are a complete waste of trees.
Thanks to advertisements, the publishers of these nearly obsolete directories are making $14 billion yearly in the U.S. Even if the phone book becomes obsolete, these companies will surely fight hard to keep them in circulation, because they account for 97 percent of their revenues. Only 3 percent comes from online directories.
When was the last time you actually looked up a phone number in a phone book? If you are like me, it has been years! Our world has rapidly transformed, and we use digital directories now. But for some Americans, old habits die hard. It’s fine if they want to send an old-timer his big phone index, but I don’t need mine anymore. So STOP sending it to me!
There is a number to call to stop the delivery of the useless yellow book. I called it and opted out, but it didn’t work. They still send me two. If you like, call them to see if you can get them to stop your delivery. Hopefully you get better results. In the meantime, here are some uses for unwanted phone books: recycle it, use it as a kindling for a fireplace or campfire, shred it and use it on your garden to prevent weeds, ball it up and use it instead of peanuts for packing, make it into papier-mâché, or use it for bra stuffing to save on costly surgery.
№055
Maurice Gatsonides
For inventing photo traffic citations.
Maurice Gatsonides was a Dutch rally car driver who invented the speed camera in the 1950s. He originally created the device to measure cornering speed and improve his racing. Unfortunately, he chose to use his invention for evil by creating a company named Gatso and selling his sneaky equipment to law enforcement agencies. European cities use it for red light cameras and photo radar for speeding violations. Recently, many U.S. cities have embraced the “spying” technology.
If you have not seen one of these obtrusive metal contraptions near an intersection of a stop-and-go light, then DO NOT move from the town you’re living in. Red light cameras are now being used in thirty cities in nineteen states.
Studies have shown that red light cameras actually increase the number of accidents at the “enforced” intersections. The problem is that drivers who want to avoid a ticket will dangerously speed through an intersection. Also, many accidents happen because people slam on their breaks to avoid going through a yellow light for fear of a fine caused by the dreaded photo flash, which then causes rear-end collisions.
Gatso, you sold your soul! What horrible irony too: You first made your living from driving fast and dangerously, then you profit from others driving fast and dangerously illegally. You betrayed your passion, along with your fellow countrymen. You became nothing but a glorified tattletale who will be cursed and detested by ticketed victims as the anti-motor-Christ.