For those of you with a lead foot who have trouble keeping the speedometer at the double-nickel, keep an eye out for potential speed cameras in the future. And cameras, why don’t you make yourself useful by photographing men shaving and women putting on makeup while driving? (You know who you are.)
№056
Overprotective parents
For ruining children.
There are roughly forty million children between five and fourteen years old in the U.S. About one hundred and thirty die every year from riding a bike. That is 0.0003 percent. To put things into perspective, your odds of getting struck by lighting are 0.0002 percent. So basically, the odds of a child dying due to not wearing a helmet are slim to none. Also, the odds of your child being stolen in a non-custody-related child abduction are about one in a million. Your kid is one hundred times more likely to have a genius IQ. It’s time to stop hovering. Lay off constantly giving instruction. Quit ruling out activities based on a danger factor. Not wearing a condom is dangerous and you still did that! You cannot protect children from everything, so STOP overdoing it! Worrying too much can have negative consequences.
Overprotective parents are ruining our children’s futures. Parents today are taking physical and emotional protection of their kids too far. I am neither promoting neglect nor am I discouraging helmets. I am, however, advocating healthy mental growth in our youth. Don’t teach children to fear failure. Sometimes kids must fall and hurt themselves to learn what not to do. If you never experience failure in what you are bad at, you will never feel accomplishment in what you do well. Nobody is good at everything. Yes, they will cry, and yes, they will bleed. This is called CHARACTER. Allow them to build it, because one day (believe it or not) they will have to function on their own.
Here are a few things the older generations survived just fine: no helmets, no cell phones, no childproof containers, no antibacterial wipes, rides in the back of pickup tucks, shared drinks, eating paint, eating sugar, going to the store alone, breaking bones without filing lawsuits, eating worms, playing with firecrackers, and staying out past dark while still making it home alive.
№057
Jack Welch
For security tag false alarms.
Jack Welch invented the annoying beeping you frequently encounter at the entrance/exit of your favorite store. He didn’t invent the sound; he just created the device that triggers the noise. Jack, along with his cousin, invented and produced the noisy antitheft device in the 1960s. Little did they know that they would be creating the world’s most worthless security device (well, second only to the car alarm). Their company still leads the electronic security market worldwide. They sell over a billion dollars’ worth of the noisy anti-shoplifting tags every year, although I don’t understand why store owners waste their time with these ineffective devices.
Take note of what really happens the next time one of these buzzers goes off. Once the alarm sounds, if a clerk even turns his head, be surprised. Usually, nobody will. If someone does, they will glance for a quick racial profiling and see if you look like a thief. Then, if you don’t run or impersonate Winona, they’ll probably just wave you on.
Thanks for nothing, Jack. I am sure we would give praise if you had actually invented something that worked! As far as I can tell, this POS just creates a lot of noise and frustration. Cell phones and purchased clothing with metal strips sewn in account for most of the false alarms.
Maybe this device works in theory, but the execution sucks. The problem is fueled by user error—employees don’t remove tags and forget to demagnetize the strips.
The excessive amount of false alarms has desensitized us. The alarm should go off only when an item is being stolen, with NO exceptions. Remember, the best theft deterrent is fear, the fear of being caught and the fear of punishment. Maybe it’s time we started cutting off fingers! Or even worse, locking shoplifters up in white padded rooms with the security device alarms blaring for a couple of days. Ah… the sweet sound of justice.
№058
Alex Rodriguez
For teaching children it’s okay to cheat.
Alex Rodriguez is the highest-paid ballplayer in Major League Baseball. He has played ball for the Texas Rangers, the Seattle Mariners, and the New York Yankees. Many believe him to be one of the best players of all time. He is also the youngest player to hit five hundred home runs. It’s quite amazing how far he can whack that white ball with the red stitching. However, it has come to light that he had a little help from a “friend.”
In response to the revelation of his steroid use, Alex stated, “I’m guilty for a lot of things. I’m guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions… To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.” Spare us. You knew exactly what you were doing and exactly what you were taking.
Poor little A-Rod. You are just a victim, boohoo. We all feel so sorry for you and the pressures society has put on you. Oh—wait a minute… you cheated your way to the top by taking performance-enhancing drugs. No—we don’t feel sorry for you—AT ALL. We should start issuing a no-tolerance law for this sort of bullshit.
Some say he wasn’t hurting anybody, only himself. You know, he didn’t train dogs to kill other dogs, or rape some underage girls or intentionally injure another player. Screw that! He was our hero and he lied. It’s not okay to break the rules. He taught our children it’s okay to cheat your way to the top! This is their idol? Great role model, A-hole. And worst of all, you’re still allowed to play. Hey, A-Rod, hopefully you can right this wrong and do some good in your life. Maybe tour high schools teaching sports safety and how to hit the right vein?
I’m sick of all of the “asterisks” that keep popping up in the record books. It’s disappointing for the ballplayers who played it straight. Here are some “top” players we should denounce for their alleged drug use: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, and Jose Canseco. Since you weren’t sacked from baseball—you’re fired from being our heroes.
№059
The automatic-flush toilet inventor
For a cockamamie idea.
I am not even going to waste my time looking up who invented this worthless contraption.
Everyone poops—it’s a fact of life. Every household and business has at least one toilet. It’s a big industry. There’s a lot of money to be made in the disposal of human excrement. Unfortunately, there’s not much room for improvement. But of course some idiot had to go and ruin a good thing.
Many public restrooms now have auto-flush commodes and urinals. The only benefit to the auto-flush toilet is sanitation, but it’s nothing a simple hand washing (which everyone should be doing after dropping the kids off at the pool) can’t fix.
The negatives certainly outweigh the barely positive. Auto-flushing never seems to work when it’s supposed to. There’s no opportunity to either pre-flush or courtesy flush. It’s scary for small children. If it flushes too often, water is wasted. If it works too little, it’s unsanitary. There’s just too much room for error, especially when a highly effective foot or hand lever will do the trick.