If you think the toilet-seat lever is the dirtiest thing in your day, think again. The door handles to the stall and bathroom door are usually dirtier. If the inventor wanted to get anal with the lavatory experience, he should have created an automatic door opener. Here are some other things usually dirtier than a toilet: a cell phone, a keyboard, a mouse, a faucet, a kitchen sponge, a purse, a wallet, money, and makeup.
With that said, just how clean are you? It takes about twenty seconds of washing to get your hands germ-free. When was the last time you did that?
№060
Photoshop
For tricking us into online dating.
Adobe Photoshop is a photo-editing software application used for many things, including photo altering and enhancing. Every single picture you see in a magazine was altered in some way to look better than it really is, usually through Photoshop. Unfortunately, a law preventing overembellishment while using this type of software has not been passed. Now the online dating community is flooded with suspiciously enhanced and/or modified photos.
Just look at some of these dating and social networking sites. These people are HOT! The not-so-fine line between enticement and porn has been crossed. It’s basically soft-core smut. Check it out. Forty million Americans already do!
If you’re single and looking, you’ll soon find that there aren’t many social outlets to search for a soul mate. I mean, you can always try flowers or a compliment like “You smell nice,” but in today’s nonsocial environment you will probably be served with a sexual harassment suit. You could also ask your friends to set you up with someone, but only if you are interested in burning a bridge or two. Or maybe you’re old-fashioned and you want to take your chances at a bar. Guess again: If you’re a dude, you only have a 2 percent chance of any relationship ever happening there. Ready to give up? Well, hold on… there is one choice left… It’s called online dating. This can be a viable solution—BUT BE WARNED: Photoshop has made it tricky. You now have to look at photos of people who might not be as hot as their pictures may appear. There is really no way of knowing if a smudge on a forehead isn’t really just a post-edited third eye. And here’s the kicker: Why do we have such high expectations to begin with? It’s because the magazine covers are ALSO being Photoshopped. You bastards!
Here are some online dating photo don’ts (from a man’s perspective):
• Ditch the photo of you and your dog. Do I even have to explain?
• Black-and-white photos are not allowed. Don’t use them unless you’re Rita Hayworth.
• Get rid of photos with friends. Unless you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.
№061
R. Stanton Avery
For leaving a sticky residue.
In 1935, R. Stanton Avery manufactured the first self-adhesive label (a.k.a. the sticker). It had a paper surface with a coat of adhesive that peeled from a silicone backing and stuck to just about anything. Today, stickers can be found on almost every consumer product we buy.
It’s not the sticker that upsets most people. It’s the removal of it! And the sticky residue marring your brand new purchase.
Enough is enough. Life is complicated already without the added grief of having to remove this gooey crap from everything we buy. Lately, it seems retailers have become even more sticker crazy. I want a refund on my time! If you want to make it come off in a few pieces so shoplifters won’t be able to reassemble it onto a more expensive item, then do it. But for fuck’s sake, use easily peeling adhesive.
I have tried everything to remove this stuff: WD-40, a hair dryer, Scotch tape, razor blades, rubbing alcohol, lighter fluid, even profusely cursing at it. However, nothing seems to work. The most successful way to get rid of the sticker is to simply throw the entire product in the dumpster. Once it is trash, it becomes someone else’s problem, and then you can sigh with relief.
Here is a list of other things that are annoyingly impossible to remove: pine tree sap, magic marker, wax, bubble gum, buffalo wing sauce under fingernails, salmon smell, the lid on old maple syrup, wrinkles, oil-based paint, scratches on the new car, wine stains, orange patina from Cheetos, purple-sucker tongue, safety info on car sun visors, loud neighbors, hair, funnily shaped moles, cancer, acne, and most politicians.
№062
Germaphobes
For ruining immune system development.
Is there such a thing as too clean?
Ever wonder why they tell you not to drink the water in Mexico? Mexicans seem unfazed by drinking their H2O. It’s because your body has not built up an immunity to the extra germs in their water. Germs are what STRENGTHEN an immune system. The more you encounter at a young age, the more your body will learn to fight them off. Take note, I am not telling you to go lick your nearest gas station commode. I am, however, telling you to stop overdoing it with the antibacterial stuff.
Believe it or not, most bacteria out there are serving a good purpose.
Germaphobes are ruining the development of our children’s immune systems. Parents think they are doing the right thing by overprotecting their kin from bacteria. However, we need these bacteria for proper development. Just like children need exercise for strong bones and muscles, they need germs to build a healthy resistance to infections. This includes being exposed to allergens ranging from dust to pollen to cat dander.
It’s believed that antibacterial soaps promote super-resistant BAD bacteria. Not to mention these harsh cleansers destroy GOOD bacteria as well. Good bacteria are vital for digestion, germ fighting, making vitamins, and protecting our skin.
But don’t throw away your antibacterial gels and soaps just yet. Use them when someone at work or home gets diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease or when a pandemic is in effect. Also, you can do other things to fight bacteria, such as avoiding using the same towel for drying your hands over and over (this is one of those bad-bacteria traps). And seriously, don’t drink the water in Mexico.
№063
The U.S. Department of Agriculture
For inventing the four food groups.
Since 1894, the USDA has been developing and redeveloping the dietary food standards for the American people. It’s the agency that suggests what we should eat and how much. Ever hear of the food pyramid? Thank the USDA. Once upon a time, the USDA even stuffed all of our food into four groups. I mean, it was quite profound, especially since there used to be twelve groups around. It even made one group just dairy, and then forgot to categorize the Bloody Mary…
Are you hungry? I am—damn. Damn, I am! And I do not like that USDA scam! I would not like it here, I would not like it there, I would not like it anywhere! It doesn’t even have a group for Spam, and I like my Spam. It makes me hungry. Damn, I am!
After the four-group-to-pyramid switch, we found choosing food to be a bitch. Do we eat a tasty fox, or add mustard to a cardboard box? This whole thing’s just too confusing. And it’s not weight that we’re losing! Hey! USDA. One day you’ll pay. If not today, then soon, with little delay!