Sorry… I went off on a tangent there. I can’t just end this RIFE on pabulum poems… Did you ever wonder what happened to the “Basic Four” food groups? Well, actually, through the years the USDA has gone from five, to twelve, to seven, to four, and back to five food groups. And then it made some generic pyramid. I’m sure it has some scientific reasoning, but the USDA changes its nutrition rules faster than most fad dieters. The system has become so confusing and depressing, it makes you want to eat only cheeseburgers. It doesn’t separate different types of proteins, suggests all complex carbs are good, thinks all fats are bad, doesn’t mention vitamins, and forgets to recommend exercise. Hope your dinner guest is Tom Hanks: Maybe he can help you decipher the food code! Now the USDA has a personalized “My Pyramid” scheme to complicate things more. But I think it’s all a scam. Check and see… Soon you’ll be yelling—LET ME BE!
№01/64
The imperial system of measurement
For not going away.
The imperial system of measurement is a system of units based on a nearly one-thousand-year-old measuring standard. Its ideology is based on nature and everyday activities, NOT science. The imperial system originated in the U.K., which in turn lent it to the U.S. But differences were acquired over time. For example, the U.S. measuring system’s pint has sixteen ounces, and the version in England has twenty ounces. (Does that mean you will be more lightheaded if you donate a pint of blood in England?)
With the exception of the United States, all major countries have converted to the metric system. How is this possible? Oh, wait a minute, we are talking about the United States—land of the free, home of the pigheaded. While the U.S. has attempted to switch, unsuccessfully, in the past, we nevertheless march on with the inferior and confusing system.
Imperial system, please go away. You are outdated and have no relevance in modern society. You should be hung out to dry like your old buddy Latin. The system was created by farmers one thousand years ago and it’s much more difficult to learn. Hell, just converting units is enough to give a student Tourette syndrome. The advantages of the metric system are clear: It’s a modern system based on scientific principles. There are only seven basic measurements. It’s easy to understand, because all the units in the metric system are multiples of ten. It’s smart and has relevance in today’s society. Which seems more logical to you?
a. Metric system: 1 meter = 10 decimeters = 100 centimeters = 1,000 millimeters.
b. Imperial system: 1 yard = 3 feet = 12 inches = various fractions of an inch.
We are in a digital-viewing, nano-researching, space-exploring, and technological era. Come on, America, it is time to get rid of a measurement based on some dead king’s stinky foot.
№065
John DeLorean
For producing only one car… sniff, sniff.
John DeLorean was an American automobile engineer. A former GM exec well known for developing the Pontiac GTO and the Firebird, DeLorean was obsessed with the idea of creating his dream car, one that was “fun to drive, safe to operate, and long-lasting.” His eponymous DeLorean DCM-12 was first produced in 1981 and had a unique stainless steel finish with gull-wing-style flip-up doors. DeLorean came as close as anyone to successfully challenging the three overly powerful American carmakers. At the time, General Motors, Chrysler, and Ford were all shaking in their safety-buckles over actually having some American competition. On top of that, the car’s fame, and DeLorean’s own, were later catapulted into the stratosphere when the DCM-12 was immortalized as our favorite time machine (see RIFE №051).
Unfortunately, none of this would change the car industry the way it should have. The entrepreneur hit financial turmoil shortly after getting his company off the ground. And what, may you ask, does a venturesome car company owner do when he runs out of money?… He sells drugs.
Undercover federal agents proposed a drug trafficking deal to DeLorean that would supposedly bring in millions to save his business. In 1982, the industrialist was arrested by the U.S. government for trafficking cocaine.
John, you sold out to drug dealing and lost your car company. You couldn’t raise any more venture capital the legal way? People revered the car; if you asked for more money, they would have invested. You had a good thing going with the DeLorean Motor Company. I’m confident the auto industry would be different today if DMC continued with its innovations.
Of course, the feds are to blame too. John DeLorean was found NOT guilty due to entrapment. The FBI simply persuaded a desperate man to commit an act he would not have otherwise considered. Great detective work, guys!
Well, John, you gave a new meaning to the term car “dealer.” Rest in peace knowing, if given the chance, in today’s turmoil, the Big Three automakers would be more than happy to profit from a little booger sugar.
№666
Pope Siricius
For being the devil in disguise.
Pope Siricius was pope from 384 to 399 AD. He was the guy who started the whole no-sex-for-clergy thing. But take note, he wasn’t exactly a purist. He was married, and then left his wife for the church. So basically, the Catholic Church promoted him for getting a divorce? Interesting.
In 1985, sexual abuse by a Catholic priest became a national issue in the United States for the first time. Gilbert Gauthe, a priest from Louisiana, pleaded guilty to eleven counts of molestation of boys. He admitted to molesting at least three dozen more. They gave him twenty years. He got out in ten. Then he got in trouble again. Unfortunately, these cases are not uncommon. It’s time for sex-offender sentencing to include a lobotomy.
Four percent of U.S. priests ministering from 1950 to 2002 were accused of sex abuse with a minor. Roman Catholics spent $615 million on sex abuse cases in 2007—remember that when you place a dollar in the collection tray.
Did these “holy” sex offenders forget to ask themselves, “WWJD?” Seriously, can we ever trust our children with a priest again? Pope Siricius not only ruined it for priests, but more importantly, he ruined it for the altar boys. As for Gilbert, you are one sick puppy. How you made it out of jail alive is beyond me. A priest used to be a figure of respect and trust, but no more. Gilbert surely sacrificed that.
The Catholic Church’s halo isn’t exactly shining all that brightly either. For years, it swept cases like these under its Roman tapestries. If a priest was caught, the church would slap him on the wrist and just transfer him to a different parish (where he would usually commit the same ungodly acts). Gauthe was transferred three times before he was finally brought to justice. It’s time for a change! Seriously, nobody is going to call a priest unholy if he gets married. At least promote promiscuity between priests and nuns so they can release some holy sexual tension! As for Catholic followers, be extra suspicious if your priest drives a windowless van.
№067
Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling
For destroying Enron.