For destroying Enron.
Enron started as an energy company. It dabbled in many investment areas and rapidly grew to be the seventh-largest corporation in America. Then it quickly folded in what became one of the biggest scandals of fraud and greed in history. Its bankruptcy took jobs, investor savings, retirement funds, and even a few lives. Now no one can ever really feel secure with his or her employer ever again.
Enron achieved great success the old-fashioned way—by cheating. The company paid out millions of dollars in speculated profits that never arrived. The energy giant hid its losses by burying its debt into ghost companies it created. Then it paid off outside accountants to lie about its tax audits. And just before Enron tanked, its top executives liquidated their holdings while conning their loyal employees into holding on to the doomed stock. The head honchos made off with BAGS of cash while the employees and investors lost billions.
• Ken Lay: CEO and chairman of Enron. He was a forerunner of deregulation, which ultimately paved an easy path for his corporate abuses. He was found guilty of conspiracy and fraud. Unfortunately, he died before we could send him up the river.
• Jeff Skilling: He started the mark-to-market accounting that gave access to money made on speculation. Well, now he can speculate if he’s next on Bubba’s prison-bitch list, because he’s currently rotting in jail.
• Arthur Andersen: This was the “independent” accounting firm hired to review Enron’s books to protect the public. But nope, they took bribes and cooked the books.
• The politicians: Both political parties had their hands in Enron’s deep pockets. And if we asked for a show of those hands, George W.’s administration would raise both.
• The consultants: Enron’s lawyers, accountants, bankers, and advisers all knew it was a scam. They just kept their mouths shut and collected their kickbacks.
• Enron employees: You guys lost so much it’s hard to blame you too—but we will anyway. Were sunglasses and canes part of your work-issued uniforms? It is amazing just how powerful denial can be. Want your money back? Turn the CEOs’ lawyers upside down and start shaking!
№068
Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus
For ruining professional sports.
Remember Bob Sugar in the film Jerry Maguire? He was the asshole sports agent who stole Jerry’s clients. Well, Drew Rosenhaus is the real-life Bob Sugar. In fact, the character was based on him. Make no mistake, Rosenhaus is a real-deal high-profile sports agent. He represents many NFL superstars. He’s an aggressive negotiator who drives up the prices and gets athletes ridiculous salaries. Similarly, Scott Boras is another notorious sports agent. His clients are baseball players. He is known as “baseball’s most hated man.” Boras also gets unheard-of deals for his clients. As a result, these deals usually hurt Major League Baseball by widening the gap between wealthy and poor teams.
You greedy dicks. Here is the rundown: They get the high-profile players huge sums of money, which alienates them from the average professional player. The problem is, the big names already get multi-million-dollar endorsement deals anyway. Are they really increasing a star’s quality of living by negotiating an extra six million when they already make five? Or are they just worried about increasing their commissions? All they are really doing is raising our ticket prices, and, of course, just like Charlie Sheen’s love life, we pay for it.
What is throwing a ball through a hoop worth? What is the cost of seeing someone whack a ball with a wooden stick or kick a ball into a net? Is it equal to someone saving a life? How about educating a child? Or fighting for others’ freedom? We really need to rethink who the heroes are, and how they should be rewarded. Teachers, doctors, and firemen should be our heroes. Perhaps they are noble because they follow their hearts to do the right thing, all for shitty pay. Or maybe they are selling themselves short. Perhaps they should seek agent sponsorship. Give Scott or Drew a call and see what kind of contract they can fetch for you…
In defense of the accused, Rosenhaus did once save the life of a young boy who nearly drowned by administering CPR to him. There might still be a spot for you at the Pearly Gates after all (but don’t hold your breath).
№069
Monica Lewinsky
For sucking.
“I’m going to the White House to get my presidential knee pads,” were the inevitable words uttered by Monica Lewinsky to a friend before leaving for her internship. In case you missed the nineties, she wore those knee pads right down to the bone. She had an eighteen-month fling with Bill Clinton that involved oral and phone sex. Their actions nearly took down a good U.S. president and permanently rubber-stamped his career with the words SEX SCANDAL.
Monica, you were such a sucker (no, the other kind—get your head out of the gutter). Did you really think the president of the United States was in love with you? Let’s be realistic. But actually, the scandal wasn’t entirely your fault. You just gave the nobber. Your attention-seeking hobgoblin friend Linda Tripp was the one who spilled the beans.
Okay, fine, you wanted to blow a president. That makes sense; I’m sure every young girl has dreams. So congratulations, you did it. But you should’ve just wiped your chin and kept your mouth shut! Next time wait until his term is up before showing off your oval rug burns to your friends. Well, anyway—we’re not mad anymore. What’s done is done. Besides, we are angrier about having to look at you in that stupid beret you wore on the cover of Time magazine.
And now everyone thinks Clinton getting his knob shined by a pudgy, patriotic vixen distracted us from his goodness. But take a moment and look at his legislation—was he good or was he just protecting his own interests?
• The Brady Bill. It’s the five-day handgun waiting period. Clinton probably passed that one just to protect his own hide from angry boyfriends and husbands.
• The Three Strikes and You’re Out policy. A good piece of legislation—but I think that was just a typo on a leaked memo to Monica. It should’ve read: Three BITES and You’re Out.
• The Safe Drinking Water Act. We all know how thirsty one gets after suckin’ on a cigar.
• The Direct Loan Program. It was good for funding higher education. But what it comes down to is this—he just wanted his interns better educated on the theory that loose lips sink dicks.
№070
Tyler Durden
For questioning the safety of our cars.
Fight Club is a movie starring Ed Norton and Brad Pitt based on the novel written by Chuck Palahniuk. This movie is clever, exciting, and fun. A total guy flick that girls love too. The plot is witty and extremely well acted. Ed Norton plays the narrator, an automobile recall appraiser. In a small part of the movie, he reveals, in detail, the equation used to assess the potential of a car recall. Ed Norton’s character explains, “You take the population of vehicles in the field (A) and multiply it by the probable rate of failure (B), then multiply the result by the average cost of an out-of-court settlement (C). A times B times C equals X. This is what it will cost if we don’t initiate a recall. If X is greater than the cost of a recall, we recall the cars and no one gets hurt. If X is less than the cost of a recall, then we DON’T recall.”