If you took a “raw” almond pre-2007, planted it the ground, watered it, and gave it sunlight and love, you would eventually see a sprout rise. If you did that now, you would get more rise out of Nicole Kidman’s eyebrows. This is because ALL almonds grown in the U.S., by law, are NO longer sold raw. They must be pasteurized before they can be sold. In case you didn’t already know, this process kills the life force and the valuable nutrients your body needs.
Okay, I know we’ve already covered the orange juice pasteurization conspiracy—so maybe we should just blame Louis Pasteur already for inventing it in the 1860s. But he lived in a time when you couldn’t exactly seal in freshness with Ziploc bags and Tupperware before you stuck food in your electric fridge. So give Louis a break. It’s the FDA’s fault for promoting it.
“But it says ‘raw’ on the packaging!” Well, it’s not. It’s a lie. The FDA allows the almond companies to still use “raw” in their deceptive labeling—sort of a consolation prize, I guess. Don’t care? Well, you should, because the nutrition’s being taken out of your food and you don’t even know about it. Wake up, man! “But they did it for our health, right?” Not really. More to cover the food companies’ own asses after the salmonella-tainted-almond scares of 2001 and 2004. Just thirty-three people were hospitalized. If you think that’s bad, check out the tomato’s track record.
The raw deal is that, whether or not it’s pasteurized, food produced and stored in unsanitary conditions is what actually causes disease. Pasteurization just promotes unclean factories. Other foods that have mandatory pasteurization in the United States: milk, butter, cheese, cream, vinegar, sauerkraut, yogurt, and eggs. When you’re filling the shopping cart, look at which labels say “pasteurized” instead of only worrying about the ones that say “organic,” because that food trend is stealing thunder from other important issues. Remember, if you buy “organic,” it only means it was once covered in shit.
№079
Ron Popeil
For coaxing people to buy hair in a can.
Ronald M. Popeil is an American inventor and pitchman for many products sold solely on television. He is the founder of Ronco. If you have ever watched off-hour TV, he was the king of infomercials. He coined the phrases “But wait… There’s more!”, “Now how much would you pay?”, and “Set it and forget it!” Some of his inventions include the Chop-o-Matic, the Dial-O-Matic, the Veg-O-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, the Showtime Rotisserie, and, of course, his reason for making the RIFE list, the GLH Hair System.
Embarrassed by that bald spot? Don’t worry, Ron Popeil’s hair in a can will fix you in a jiffy. Just match your hair color, give the can a shake, spray, and PRESTO, you will have the look of more hair instantly! You can, once again, have the confidence you deserve for only $9.95! But wait, there’s more. Call within then next fifteen minutes and we will double your order and also include a depleted sense of self-worth and the loss of most of your dignity.
Ron didn’t ruin it by being a pioneer in selling gimmicky products on TV—hell, he provided us with countless hours of late-night entertainment. Ron ruined it by tempting normal, rational (but apparently desperate) people to believe in sketchy products they see on TV. Even though common sense tells them it won’t work, they still think there’s a chance it might. History has proven time and again that it’s just too easy to believe in something you really want to be true. Thanks, Ron; not only did you destroy self-esteem, you also made people look stupid with dark beads of sweat running down their bald spots.
Other products and techniques for hair loss:
• Hair plugs. Okay, these sort of work, but in the end, you look like a freaky life-size doll.
• The comb-over. Come on, you’re not fooling anyone.
• Toupees. Only good if you feel like hatching some robin’s eggs.
• Pills and topical agents. They barely work and you need to take them for the rest of your life!
• Hair transplants. This is the only thing that works. They take hair from the back of your head and relocate it to the bald spot. It’s expensive and you might have to do it twice.
№080
James Mack Jr.
For adding MORE worry to nursing homes.
In 2001, James Mack was employed at an old folks’ home in Tulsa, Oklahoma. One night, he showed up at work when he was not scheduled to and snuck into a patient’s room. Then, instead of walking out the door, he decided to exit through a window—while dragging an eighty-five-year-old female Alzheimer’s patient with him. Then Mack proceeded to rape her somewhere outside the building. She was later found lying on the street by an off-duty police officer at 5 AM.
The sleaze, of course, denied the accusation. While medical evidence showed she was indeed raped, he claims she initiated their encounter by grabbing his “little jimmy.” Experts agreed that, given her medical condition, the elderly lady was of unsound mind and was not capable of giving consent. And with the help of DNA testing, he was tried and convicted of first-degree granny-rape and sentenced to thirty-five years in prison.
It is a somber decision to relocate an elderly family member to a nursing home. People who do are often riddled with guilt and fear about improper treatment and care for their ailing loved ones. But until Mack, no one feared a hoary medicated molestation. Now, not only do we have to worry about negligent treatment, but we also have to fear that the staff may forcibly ravage our helpless relatives. As if our consciences weren’t already giving us an ulcer.
James Mack is the true definition of scumbag. We now have a limitless understanding of just how far a rapist will go. How do people like this sleep at night? Hopefully, in Mack’s case, teary-eyed from posterior pain after a hard visit to the prison shower. It’s nice when life comes full circle… don’t you think?
Oh Jimmy Mack, we hope you never come back.
№081
Barbra Streisand
For crimped hair.
If you are like me and already despise Barbra Streisand, or if you were just waiting for a reason not to like her, then this one’s for you…
The modern crimping iron was specifically invented for Streisand’s hair in 1972 by one of the founders of Sebastian. It was undoubtedly one of the biggest hair mistakes ever conceived. The fear of having to see any additional images of this hairstyle resulted in me not finding the designer’s intent or inspiration. We can only assume it was to detract from certain facial features. What we do know is that this hideous hairdo, in its time, became hugely popular; the rest is bad-hair history. This fact alone should make you cringe at the sound of Barbra’s voice.
What else is wrong with Babs? She always seems to stick that self-righteous beak where it doesn’t belong. She is annoying and egotistical, not to mention that she sues anyone for anything. She even sued a California coastline website for having an unmarked aerial photo of her house. Of course she lost and had to pay the defendant’s legal fees, hooray! Humorously, these events triggered a new term called “the Streisand effect.” It encompasses an attempt to censor information that only results in greater exposure. (This book could always use some added press… Go on, Streisand, I dare you!)