Barbra’s smug attitude crimps our style. She ruins it whenever she opens her mouth. Go away. In honor of Barb’s bad hair, here are a few other bad ideas for the head:
• The mullet. Its ambassador was Billy Ray Cyrus. And just when we thought nothing worse could happen to pop culture, Cyrus spawned Miley.
• The rattail. A less conspicuous variation on the mullet. No, it doesn’t look better braided.
• The flattop. If you have one of these, keep it and hope someone thinks you’re being ironic.
• Teased bangs. Bangs are debatable. But eighties-style seven-inch Aqua Net-teased bangs, need I say more?
№082
Edward Seymour
For inventing aerosol spray paint.
In the 1940s, the concept of aerosol was already in use by a bug spray from the U.S. Army. Edward Seymour built upon this idea and invented spray paint after a suggestion from his wife. The innovation was ingenious and became immediately popular. His very first color, “aluminum,” revolutionized the paint industry.
Unfortunately, like most things, the invention had a serious downside: The propellant, made from chlorofluorocarbons, was adversely affecting the earth’s ozone layer. If you are not aware, this protective atmospheric layer is critical to life on this planet because it protects us from the sun’s harmful radiation and ultraviolet rays (see RIFE №011).
After it was discovered that CFCs were harmful to the ozone, several nations and organizations worked together to ban the use of the propellant on a global scale.
I know you didn’t mean to, Edward, but you put holes in our ozone layer.
If that’s not bad enough, you also gave delinquent kids a medium to express their “art” all over buildings and bridges. Prior to the invention of aerosol paint, the prevalence of graffiti was low, since carrying brushes and paint cans was a bit cumbersome. And I won’t even get into the “huffing” subculture you instigated.
Whatever happened to our depleting ozone layer anyway? Did it ever re-plete? Will someone please ask Al Gore for me?
№083
Thomas Hamilton
For causing the handgun ban in the U.K.
In 1996, Thomas Hamilton went on a killing rampage at Dunblane Primary School with four licensed handguns and seven hundred rounds of ammunition. He committed suicide with a shot in the mouth after murdering sixteen students and one teacher and wounding seventeen others.
Shortly thereafter, the British government banned virtually all handguns from public ownership in hopes of reducing the number of gun-toting freaks. Unfortunately, the plan has surely backfired. The number of gun-related killings and injuries rose more than fourfold since the ban. Whoops! It’s been difficult to pinpoint the reason for the surge in gunplay; for simplicity, we’ll just blame Guy Ritchie’s movies.
As it is written on the T-shirt of 007’s nemesis, Jaws, in Happy Gilmore, “Guns don’t kill people, I kill people.” The main problem is that you cannot legislate against mentally disturbed people. The “bad guys” will still get their hands on guns, and the “good guys” will not even have an option to defend themselves with arms. Even if you could keep guns out of the hands of villains (which you can’t), villains would just find another murderous tooclass="underline" a knife, a bomb, an airplane, or a car. Perhaps, you should just have stricter laws about who can purchase a gun. Then you could take advantage of the fact that it’s easier to keep tabs on someone when a gun is registered. Just look how well it works in the U.S., where gun violence in schools is virtually nonexistent!
№084
Dean Kamen
For making the future look dorky.
Dean Kamen invented the Segway in 2001. It’s an electric two-wheeled personal transporter. The apparatus uses very precise gyroscopic sensors to keep its balance. The operation of the device is simple—just lean forward to advance, lean back to reverse, and lean the handle bar left or right for either direction. It’s quite an extraordinary invention. It practically defies gravity. Unfortunately, when you ride it, it makes you look like a complete dumb-ass.
As the joke goes, “What do mopeds and fat chicks have in common? They’re both fun to ride until your friends catch you.” Now we can add the Segway to that list for the trifecta.
The thought of what the future might be and look like has interested and perplexed us all. We speculate as to what buildings, cities, cars, computers, fashion, and many other things will look like in the years to come. Usually, our mind conjures up something very cool and original. We see this translated into concept designs, movies, and art. Unfortunately, our perception is always much more sophisticated than the actual usable end products. The Segway is a prime example of this. Gliding along a flat surface without moving our legs is exciting in theory. However, the actual apparatus and the person riding it look lamer than Screech on rollerblades.
Aside from poor aesthetics, the Segway doesn’t exactly promote good health, either. In fact, it encourages obesity and laziness. Sure it’s fun, but do you need really to glide everywhere? Remember, the more you exercise in life, the better off you will be. So ditch the Segway and start struttin’.
№085
E85
For being a sucky fuel.
Everyone knows that the U.S. needs to kick its addiction to petroleum. This environmentally harmful, nonrenewable energy comes mainly from foreign countries. We need to push for energy independence, which can only be achieved by using alternative fuels.
E85 is a fuel blended from 85 percent bioethanol and 15 percent gasoline. Many cars have been produced or converted to use this “flex fuel,” but its popularity faded after certain statistics were revealed. For example, if we used all the corn produced in the U.S. to make ethanol, we would only displace 3.5 percent of our gasoline demand. This amount of fuel could be compensated just by properly inflating our tires. And it takes gobs of gas just to transport it due to the lack of pipelines in the Midwest.
E85 fooled us. We really wanted it to be the answer to our problems. But we should have known there’s no such thing as a quick fix. The reality is that we have to stop using food crops for ethanol. It creates an entirely new kind of stress on the planet by reducing both our food supply and a vital global export. Even if we switched to cheaper non-food crops to produce ethanol, it would still create volatility. If you think gasoline prices are unsteady now, just imagine how a drought would affect the cost of ethanol. And can you really call it an alternative to oil when E85 is only 85 percent ethanol—and 15 percent gasoline? It doesn’t sound like much freedom from oil dependency to me. But that opinion may differ if you ask a politician who has his or her hands deep in Big Oil’s pockets.