№086ed
General Motors
For killing the electric car.
The EV1 was an electric vehicle introduced by GM in 1996. The futuristic car was the first modern production electric car available for lease from a major automaker. This zippy vehicle was high-powered, produced zero emissions, and could run for approximately one hundred miles on one charge. Its drivers loved it. Of course, GM did not see it as a moneymaker and decided to destroy all of the vehicles once the leases were up. However, a kindergartener could have told GM to just sell the cars to recoup some lost revenue—instead of pulverizing them in the car crusher. After that, General Motors decided to abandon its electric vehicle technology and put its efforts towards the petrol-pounding Hummer. Hindsight surely mocks them with a resounding DOH! It’s speculated that the EV1 program was eliminated because it threatened the excessively powerful oil industry. But who really knows?
Way to go, GM! You had a good thing and you ruined it. You took our only affordable option for an electric car away from us. You ruined it for yourself and everyone else who wanted an alternative to gasoline-gobbling SUVs. Lots of people loved the subcompact and wanted to buy it when their leases were up. However, you 86’d it. Is there any wonder why you had to declare bankruptcy? Next time the wheels in your head start spinning, be certain they are not lug-nutted to a gas guzzler.
As of the year 2009, your latest slaughter tally was around 66,500 jobs lost, 1,100 dealerships closed, and the near-collapse of Detroit. And that’s the good news. Try not to forget you still owe 450,000 retirees $90 billion in pensions all while trying to pay back the $27 billion borrowed from the bailout and another $5.7 billion from other governments. We all hope you can pull it together, really. We’re excited about the hype for the new electric car, the Volt. But maybe you should call it the Déjà Vu. Hopefully we can actually keep this one…
№187
Michael John Anderson
For the first Craigslist murder.
Katherine Ann Olson responded, via e-mail, to an ad on Craigslist in Minnesota for a babysitting job. She accepted the job and showed up expecting to look after the children of a woman named Amy. A day later, her body was found in the trunk of her car, ankles bound with red twine. Her killer was a cold-blooded nineteen-year-old named Michael John Anderson. He lured her into his house and shot her. Police say Anderson killed the twenty-four-year-old woman in his parents’ bedroom.
According to Craigslist, this was the first murder involving the widely used online resource for classified advertisements.
Okay, Mr. Creative, ever watch CSI? First off, computers are highly traceable. And why couldn’t you just have been a normal serial killer? You know, someone who leaves a calling card like bugs in your victims’ throats. Or someone who owns an albino pet. Besides, you should’ve waited until you were highly educated and entirely off the grid before you got caught. You could’ve toyed with the cops by burning off your fingerprints and FedEx-ing severed heads to the desert. Or you could’ve just stapled an I DID IT note to your forehead while lying on your victim’s trunk. But maybe that would’ve made it harder for the police to find you…
I guess it was inevitable that someone would eventually die as a result of our beloved Craigslist. But it still makes me shake my head in denial. So we must blame Anderson for leaving us wondering if we’ll be the next victim. Now we are scared even when we want to sell an old stained couch online to a couple of college freshmen! I still wonder if it was a contract killing. I smell a conspiracy here. Did eBay hire you? Someone get its marketing department on the phone…
№088
Henry Phillips
For screwing things up.
Phillips, slotted, square, or Allen. Just pick one, for Christ’s sake!
In 1908, square-drive screws were invented by Canadian P.L. Robertson. This was the first recess-drive-type fastener for production usage. The previous single-slotted head allowed for too much tool slippage.
Then, in 1933, the Phillips-head screw was invented by Henry Phillips. Automobile manufacturers were now using assembly lines. They needed screws that could take a lot of torque but could also slip out (or cam out) to prevent overtightening. The Phillips design solved this problem.
From there on, everybody and their little sisters invented a new type of screw head just because Phillips started the trend. Here are a few: Torx, tri-wing, torq-set, triple square, spanner head, spline drive, double hex, polydrive, clutch, and Bristol.
Phillips, you’re a tool. We were doing just fine with the square one. Did we really need another type of screw head? I don’t buy that automotive “slip out” theory. Perhaps Sears hired you so they could sell more tools? Whatever your reasons were, to this day, no matter what type of screw needs tightening, we will always have the wrong type of screwdriver in hand.
And please, if you are a company manufacturing something that comes unassembled and includes or requires a “special tool” to construct it, STOP the madness. We don’t need any more crappy tools we can easily lose. Yes, we are talking to you, IKEA!
№089
Tian Wenhua
For poisoning milk.
Melamine is used in making many industrial products. It can be found in countertops, fabrics, glue, Formica, cleaning products, and pesticides. It is, however, quite dangerous and even deadly if ingested. Not exactly something you would want to pour into your morning coffee.
Tian Wenhua was chairwoman and general manager of the Sanlu Group, one of China’s largest dairy companies. She is responsible for adding melamine to the company’s milk in order to spike the protein levels for quality control testing. As a result of Wenhua’s decision, at least six infants would die and three hundred thousand others would suffer from kidney stones and other urinary problems. She is now serving a life sentence in jail for her role in the tainted-milk scandal.
Hundreds of edible products were affected around the world, including powdered baby milk, cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, and more.
FYI—the amount of pesticide that should be in your 2 percent is 0 percent! Tian’s recklessness and blatant disregard for human health and well-being is difficult to fathom. What could have driven the milky judgments that lead her to believe this was acceptable? It’s one thing to profit from stealing, but quite another to profit from poisoning people.
You can’t help but wonder what drinks she avoids in the slammer—we’ll just assume she’s lactose-intolerant.
№090
Walter Diemer
For making a sticky mess of things.
In 1869, William Finley Semple became the first person to patent chewing gum. The first attempt at bubble gum was made by Frank Henry Fleer, in 1906. He called it Blibber-Blubber. Fleer’s recipe was later perfected by Walter Diemer in 1928, who called his product Double Bubble. This gooey pink concoction changed regular ol’ boring chewing gum into the lip-smacking good time of blowin’ bubbles. Until, of course, the flavor wears out…